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If we aren't careful, we may come to take the love of our life for granted.
This may be surprising, especially in Western cultures where there is a lot of emphasis on finding true love.
"How do we get into these relationships with such high hopes and expectations, and then where does it all go wrong?" said Amie Gordon, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Michigan who researches interpersonal relationships.
As relationships evolve and mature, conversations between many couples devolve into discussions of checklists, tasks and events, but not the relationship itself, said Julie Gottman, a clinical psychologist. "They're in danger of becoming a managerial relationship," added her husband, John Gottman, a professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Washington. The Gottmans are co-founders of the Gottman Institute and conduct research on marriage and relationships.
But this change is not inevitable, psychology research and relationship science shows.
• Why we may take our relationships for granted
The beginning of a relationship is usually full of novelty and excitement, and satisfaction is high during this honeymoon phase.
But that passion and intensity are difficult to sustain, and relationship satisfaction tends to decline over time as we fall victim to what Gordon calls "unfortunate human tendencies."
The first is hedonic adaptation, a classic finding in psychology, where we tend to "get used to the good things in our lives unless something comes in and reminds us of what the good things are," said Sara Algoe, a psychologist who runs the Emotions and Social Interactions in Relationships Laboratory at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. This applies to our relationships - romantic or otherwise - and across life, Gordon said.
The second is our built-in negativity bias, which is thought to confer an evolutionary advantage because avoiding harm is more important for survival than seeking out opportunities.
But in a relationship, these tendencies can be detrimental. After the honeymoon phase, couples may look for "what their partner's doing wrong, but not what their partner is doing right and saying thank you," Julie Gottman said. This can become "a habit of mind," John Gottman added.
Life's many stresses also cause us to turn inward "and block us from reminding ourselves of the beautiful, wonderful human that we were interested in," Algoe said.
• Rekindling appreciation for one another
In the face of these challenges, gratitude is a social glue and buffer against taking your loved one for granted.
According to Algoe's "find-remind-and-bind" theory, gratitude helps us find valuable people, reminds us who cares about us and ultimately binds us closer together. As an added benefit, practicing gratitude improves happiness and well-being.
Appreciation is one of the most robust predictors of relationship quality, according to one 2020 paper analyzing 43 longitudinal studies involving 11,196 romantic couples.
In the Gottmans' decades of observations, for couples who nurtured gratefulness, "it just kind of lubricated things," John Gottman said. "It made people more relaxed and more open."
Consider the unfair division of household labor and chores, which research consistently shows is a source of relationship distress and demise. (Women still predominantly handle the cognitive labor of running the households in addition to running their own careers.)
In a 2022 study, Gordon and her colleagues tracked 2,193 people living with a romantic partner during the pandemic and found that over half of the participants felt the division of labor was unfair. And those who felt that they were bearing the brunt of chores were less satisfied with the relationship.
But there was an important exception: People who felt appreciated by their partners did not feel less satisfied, suggesting feeling appreciation can be a potent buffer to relationship stressors.
Feeling appreciation is a "reminder of the value we have in this relationship, in this person," Gordon said.
• How to appreciate your partner
Research shows that we tend not to express our gratitude because we underestimate how much our gratitude means to others and overestimate how awkward sharing our appreciation would be.
Importantly, gratitude is contagious and can kick off a virtuous cycle of appreciation, research shows. Relationships spiral downward with blame and resentment; gratitude instead causes an upward spiral.
Try to notice what's going right. "If you're not paying attention to what they're doing, there's no chance for you to experience gratitude," Algoe said.
The Gottmans advise looking for triggers and causes for what went right so you can look for it again in the future.
"Gratitude can reframe, refocus our attention," Gordon said.
Make your appreciation known. Oftentimes, we may think nice things but not actually share them.
In a 2022 study of 125 couples, Algoe and her colleagues found that setting the intention of expressing gratitude can make a difference. The prompt participants received was simple: "If my partner does something that I appreciate, then I will express my gratitude."
The nudge increased how often the partner expressed gratitude over the following three weeks and led the couple to spend more time together - about 68 minutes more each day.
"When you have a nice thought instead of just letting it die out, like actually take a moment to text the person or share it with them when you're feeling it," Gordon said.
Set aside time for the relationship. The Gottmans recommend couples hold a weekly "state of the union" meeting. Start off by sharing several appreciations. Then bring up any issues that need to be resolved. And end the meeting by saying "what's one thing I can do that would help you feel more loved in the next week?" Julie Gottman said.
Richard Sima is a neuroscientist turned science journalist.
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