Least Competent Criminal | Oh, Florida

• An unidentified 39-year-old wannabe carjacker hit a bump in the road on Jan. 7 when he approached the driver of a Chevrolet Volt in San Diego, reported The San Diego Union-Tribune. The thief demanded the driver's keys and mobile phone around 6 a.m., according to San Diego police, and tried to drive off in the vehicle. But he couldn't figure out how to operate the hybrid car, and in frustration he ran away, discarding the phone and keys. Police located the carjacker a short distance away and arrested him on suspicion of carjacking and robbery. [San Diego Union-Tribune, 1/7/2019]

• Heather Carpenter, 42, was charged with damaging property and criminal mischief in Sarasota County, Florida, after expressing in a particularly gross way her dissatisfaction with the principal of the school where Carpenter was substitute teaching. Phillippi Shores Elementary School Principal Allison Foster had been helping Carpenter with a professional issue, but Carpenter was unhappy with the way it was going, according to the Sarasota Herald-Tribune.

So on Dec. 1, in a park where Foster was hosting a birthday party for her daughter later in the day, Carpenter -- whose own daughter was invited to the party -- arrived with human feces, according to a witness, which she spread on the grill and picnic tables. Carpenter pleaded not guilty, but the Sheriff's Office report stated that she admitted she "intentionally placed human waste and fecal matter on the tables at Urfer Park with the intent of disrupting the birthday party planned by Foster." [Sarasota Herald-Tribune, 1/7/2019]