Weird Roundup | Likely Story

• On Christmas Day, Deadspin.com shared a "verbatim" list from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission of emergency room visits paid by Americans who inserted items into various body parts, and shouldn't have.

An edited sampling: Into the ear: "Popcorn kernels in both ears, 'feeds her ears because her ears are hungry'"; "Was cleaning ear with Q-Tip, accidentally walked into a wall, pushed Q-Tip into ear"; "Placed crayon in ear on a dare."

Into the nose: "Sneezed and a computer keyboard key came out right nostril, sneezed again and another one almost came out"; pool noodle; piece of steak; sex toy. Into the throat: mulch; "Swallowed a quarter while eating peanuts"; plastic toy banana.

And finally, into the rectum: "Significant amount of string"; cellphone; Christmas ornament ball; "Jumped on bed, toothbrush was on bed and went up patient's rectum." [Deadspin.com, 12/25/2018]

• Vanessa Elizabeth Helfant, 38, of Knoxville, Tennessee, floated a "dog bites man" defense at her DUI hearing on Dec. 13, arguing that several parked cars struck her on March 25, 2017. The jury, however, didn't buy her story after hearing evidence: Witnesses at the scene followed Helfant to her destination, and when officers arrived and knocked on the door, Helfant called 911 to report people knocking on her door. WATE reported that she eventually admitted that she had drunk half a pint of vodka and smoked marijuana. Helfant, who had no prior offenses, was convicted and faces at least 48 hours in jail and her license will be suspended for a year. [WATE, 12/13/2018]