Being a 'good person' is not about being better than others

There are definitely human beings who behave in a more responsible, mature, kind, law-abiding (conscientious) way than others, but are they intrinsically of more worth than other people?

I personally would classify them as "more conscientious beings," not as having “more intrinsic value.” Can you see the difference?

I believe there are basically two mindset options when it comes to seeing the value of people.

1. The first philosophy says human beings must prove their intrinsic and extrinsic value, because they are both in question. I call this a “Life is a Test” mindset. This mindset implies that extrinsic factors like performance and appearance determine a person’s intrinsic worth. When we have this mindset we tend to compare, judge and criticize others and even cast people (especially people who are different) as worse than us, in an effort to feel better about ourselves. This mindset creates a subconscious class system of sorts, where we feel better when we classify others as worse, which can lead to discrimination, racism, arrogance, hate and mistreatment.

2. The second philosophy is the “Life is a Classroom” mindset. This mindset says that all human beings have the same intrinsic value, which never changes and is not on the line. It says that all people deserve compassion and respect because of their intrinsic worth. Even if some people are better educated or are taught to be conscientious beings, while others aren’t given this advantage, they still have the same intrinsic worth. The classroom philosophy says that you can have infinite, absolute, intrinsic value and still have lots to learn on the extrinsic level.

Understand that if we took a person who grew up with value-driven parents and a person whose parents didn’t care about moral values and switched their places from birth, they would probably turn out exactly like the other person did. This reality helps us to understand that we can’t get intrinsic value from extrinsic advantages or circumstances. We must treat all people as having the same intrinsic value regardless of where they are in their extrinsic growth.

This doesn't mean we trust everyone or want to hang out with everyone — but it does mean we respect everyone.

Let me explain this using the sports analogy you mentioned, because I agree with you that the winners should get the trophies. Having winners and losers in a game is healthy and teaches kids to work hard and roll with the punches in life, but they should also be taught that winning doesn’t make you intrinsically better than the losers. It just means you worked harder, were blessed with more athletic ability, or had parents who spent more time practicing with you. That is why you won, but winning does not make you more deserving of respect or kindness. You still have the same intrinsic value as the losers.

Your hard work and conscientiousness will pay off and benefit you in life, but your virtuous behavior does not make other people less than you. They are just "less conscientious" than you. They are in a different place in their journey.

It is really important that children learn this correctly, because if they start thinking that those who win are better than those who lose, this can bleed over into seeing people who are different from them as less than them. It is a short jump from seeing the T-ball team that lost as less than you, to seeing those of a different color, or who live in a different neighborhood, or who go to a different church, as less than you.

I think when you said you wanted to teach your children to be "good people" you weren’t talking about their value being higher than others, you were talking about them being conscientious, responsible, kind people who are driven by moral values and principles. This is something it would serve all of us to work on and teach our children, but it doesn’t involve being better than anyone else.

It is about virtues and principles — not value and worth. We must work on being good people without looking down on people who aren’t working on it yet. That is the trick.

Here are some rules for being a conscientious human to practice and teach your children:

1. See life as a classroom. You are on this planet to grow, learn, develop your character and especially to learn to love G od, life, yourself and other people. Every experience you encounter is here to teach you something.

2. Understand that you have a unique set of classes. Everyone on the planet is in their own unique classroom journey. There will never be another person who gets the same journey as you, so comparing yourself with others makes no sense. Also remember that you have no idea what another person's journey has been like.

3. Be responsible for yourself. Work hard to take care of your own needs and don't expect others to take care of you. Clean up your messes, pay your bills, do the work assigned to you and take care of your things. (Having said that, conscientious people also ask for help when they need it and give help to others.)

4. Be respectful. Respect the rights of other people. Don’t do anything that takes from others. Respect their property, their time, their opinions and their feelings. Be on time. Don’t deface or destroy things that don’t belong to you. Don’t steal or say disrespectful things. You don’t have to agree with the opinions of others, but you do have to honor and respect their right to think and live the way they do.

5. Be kind. Everyone deserves to be treated with kindness (make this the core principle of your life). Make sure you apologize when you do wrong, say please and thank you, and acknowledge the people around you. Never say or do anything that is cruel, hurtful, harmful or degrading toward any other being (human or animal). This says more about your character than anything else.

6. Be honest and keep commitments. People would rather hear the truth, even if it hurts, is boring or is bad news. Be genuine, own your mistakes, accept yourself as you are, and expect others to do the same. If you commit to be somewhere or do something, do it. If you don’t think you can do it, don’t commit. Understand that people can feel dishonesty (in your energy) even if they don’t know you are lying. Being an honest person will create a positive, confident energy people are drawn to.

7. Trust the process of life. The universe is a wise teacher and it will always deliver the perfect lessons you need. Some of these lessons will be painful, but you will suffer more if you resist them. Accept them as your perfect classroom and work on figuring out the lesson. The sooner you learn the lesson, the quicker you can move on. If you don’t get the lesson, it will repeat until you do.

8. Be patient. This is part of trusting the process of life. The universe knows what it’s doing, and waiting is sometimes your perfect journey. Be patient with people and remember that a slower process of learning doesn’t make them less than you.

9. Be a giver. Look for ways to give, lift, help and serve other people. Give compliments, appreciation, acts of kindness, donate to good causes, let other cars merge in, hold doors open for people, and give good tips. There is a universal law called "You get what you give.” The more you give, the more the universe will send abundance and love your way. Be a giver and you will be rich.

10. Be a forgiver. Of course you will experience some anger, but don’t live there. Be quick to allow others to make mistakes, be imperfect and need more education, because you do too. Remember that offenses are in your life to help you grow and become wiser, stronger and more loving. Figure out how an offense (against you) served your education and it will be easier to let it go. Remember when you allow others to have 'intrinsic value' even though they make mistakes, you will have that same standard for yourself. Good forgivers always have good self-esteem. If your self-esteem is bad, practice forgiving.

11. Treat everyone as an equal. Do this because you understand the principle of intrinsic value. Remember we are all one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable human souls with the same worth — we are just taking different classes on a different journey. Everyone deserves respect and kindness.

12. Be mindful. Pay attention to what you think and feel in every moment. Understand you are the one in control of your thoughts and emotions. No one can make you upset, hurt your feelings or make you feel small, unless you let them. You are responsible for your inner state, your reactions and your behavior. Consciously choose a love-based response instead of reacting from fear.

All of these will take practice and patience, but reviewing them often and teaching them to your children will keep the goal in mind.

Peace will come through men of patience, compassion and humility — men of faith.

You are the solution and you can do this!

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Kimberly Giles is a life coach and author of the new book CHOOSING CLARITY: The Path to Fearlessness.