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Jewish World Review Feb. 27, 2004 / 5 Adar, 5764

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Gore endorses Aristide

Government falls seconds later | Embattled Haitian President Jean-Bertrand Aristide fell from power today after failing to survive a ringing endorsement from former U.S. Vice President Al Gore.

Mr. Aristide, who had been tipped off that the former Vice President was heading to the capital Port-au-Prince in order to bestow his endorsement, immediately began packing his bags, hoping to flee the country before Mr. Gore could give his speech.

But just as the Haitian President was busily throwing clothes into a suitcase, Mr. Gore appeared on national television, delivering a stem-winding endorsement of the beleaguered Mr. Aristide.

"Jean-Bertrand Aristide is a man with a plan!" bellowed Mr. Gore as President Aristide stared at the TV screen in open-mouthed horror.

Mr. Aristide’s government, which had been teetering for weeks, fell only seconds after Mr. Gore left the podium.

With rumors swirling that Mr. Gore had departed Port-au-Prince and was en route to Burbank, California, embattled Disney chairman Michael Eisner went into hiding, hoping to avoid a potentially devastating endorsement from the erstwhile veep.

According to sources close to the Disney CEO, Mr. Eisner had burrowed a tiny "spider hole" somewhere on Disney’s Burbank lot and had crept down into it to avoid being detected by the endorsement-happy Mr. Gore.

Elsewhere, Boston Red Sox fans were reeling from the news that Mr. Gore had picked their team to win the 2004 World Series.

"The A-Rod thing was bad enough, but this is really too much to bear," said Sox fan Chuck Mueller, 49.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz