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Jewish World Review Feb. 18, 2004 / 26 Shevat, 5764

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Dean claims he is winning in parallel universe

Addresses annual sci-fi convention | Former Vermont Governor Howard Dean gave his most detailed rationale for staying in the Democratic race for President today, telling a San Diego audience that he was close to clinching the nomination in a parallel world known as Earth II.

“Every media pundit on Earth says I’m crazy to stay in this race,” Mr. Dean said. “But on Earth II it’s a whole different story.”

Mr. Dean’s revelations about his Earth II electoral victories came in a keynote speech he delivered to the National Association of Science Fiction Fans, holding its annual convention in San Diego.

According to Mr. Dean, yesterday he trounced Senator John Kerry (D-Mass) in Earth II’s version of the Wisconsin primary, and he is looking forward to racking up more big victories in next week’s contests, known on Earth II as “Super Friday.”

But Mr. Dean saved his most surprising news for last: that he expects his impressive string of victories in the parallel universe to translate eventually into victories here on Earth, or as he called it, “Earth I.”

“As my margins of victory on Earth II approach 100% and my vote tallies on Earth I dwindle to 0%, there will be a crack in time and space and the two worlds will converge,” Mr. Dean told the sci-fi fans, who seemed receptive to such a scenario.

Moments after Mr. Dean’s speech, however, Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio) served notice to the Dean camp that, in his words, “A battle is underway for the delusional wing of the Democratic Party.”

Mr. Dean then released his military service records to the press, showing that he won the Vietnam War in 1971.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz