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Jewish World Review Feb. 12, 2004 / 20 Shevat, 5764

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Gen. Clark admits he detests Madonna

"Pretending to like Madonna's movies was even harder than pretending to be a Dem," Ex-Candidate Says | One day after dropping out of the race for the Democratic presidential nomination, former General Wesley Clark admitted today that he "detests" Madonna, telling reporters, "Sucking up to that 'ho was the low point of my entire life."

For General Clark, whose candidacy attracted the support of many show business luminaries, his admission that "Madonna is even more over than I am" came as something of a surprise.

But even long after reporters attempted to change the subject, General Clark continued his vitriolic rant about the former "Material Girl."

"Before she gave me her endorsement, she made me sit down and watch every one of her damn movies," a bitter General Clark told reporters. "She even made me watch 'Who's That Girl?' three times, because that's her favorite. This dame is completely around the bend."

Calling his private screening of Madonna's cinematic oeuvre "an ordeal," General Clark told reporters, "Pretending to like Madonna's movies was even harder than pretending to be a Democrat."

In a parting shot, Gen. Clark added, "If she thinks I'm going to read that infernal children's book of hers like I said I would, she must be smoking something pretty good.""

As for filmmaker Michael Moore, whose outspoken remarks in favor of General Clark seemed to precipitate his decline in the polls, the General said, "If you took all the bad movies that Madonna ever made, they still wouldn't fill Michael Moore's pie-hole."

In other political notes, former Vermont Governor Howard Dean vowed to continue his campaign despite his crushing defeat in this week's Westminster Dog Show.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz