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Jewish World Review Feb. 9, 2004 / 17 Shevat, 5764

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Ralph Nader considers wrecking 2004 election

But prominent crackpots are cool to bid | Activist Ralph Nader is considering wrecking the 2004 Presidential election, carrying on an election-wrecking tradition he began in 2000, associates of the spoiler said today.

Mr. Nader was huddling with prominent crackpots in Washington, D.C. today to determine whether he has enough support among wing-nuts and whack-jobs nationwide to mount an entirely meaningless campaign.

"If I wreck the 2004 election, I intend to wreck it in all fifty states," Mr. Nader told reporters today. "I have no intention of being merely a regional spoiler."

Mr. Nader added: "If you're going to screw up an election, screw it up big-time. My supporters expect nothing less from me."

But across the country, significant numbers of crackpots who have supported Mr. Nader in the past appeared to be cool to his latest bid to wreck the 2004 election.

"If I'm going to waste my vote, I want to be sure I'm wasting it on the right banana-head," said longtime crackpot Harlan Brill, who supported Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio) in this week's Delaware primary. "It is time for Ralph Nader to step aside for a new generation of goofballs."

For his part, Mr. Nader said that he would "listen to the voices of crackpots everywhere" before making a final decision to screw up the 2004 race.

If he decides not to run, Mr. Nader said, he will actively seek out people who are in the middle of "The DaVinci Code" and wreck the ending for them.

"It won't be as satisfying as spoiling an entire election, but I think it will still be rewarding on some level," Mr. Nader said.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz