Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• The Carter Center in Atlanta held a two-day memorial for Carter's presidency. People attending Carter memorial had to line up the first day by even-number license plates and the second day by odd-number plates. On the drive up to Washington, D.C., Carter's hearse was ticketed for going 70 mph in a 55.

• Washington, D.C., was coated in beautiful snow after the season's first winter storm Monday, which happened to be January 6th. Hundreds of happy kids paired off for a huge snowball fight on the National Mall. We'll never know how many FBI agents were planted on both sides of the snowball fight.

• Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced he will step down from office and resigned as leader of the Liberal Party on Monday in the face of sinking polls and mounting calls for him to resign. Trudeau became prime minister ten years ago. At the time, he was the only black guy in Canada.

• Surgeon General Vivek Murthy issued a report urging a warning label be placed on all alcoholic beverages. His reasons included a study showing that every beer that a man drinks over five a week subtracts nine minutes from a man's life. Thus, according to my calculations, I died September 3rd, 1846.

• The New York Post reported a survey which showed that most people give up on their New Year's resolutions in ten days. I didn't make one until I saw an impressive vehicle demonstration in Las Vegas. In 2025, I'm getting a Tesla Cybertruck to protect the public in case one of my jokes bombs.

• Politico reported the terror attack in New Orleans on New Year's Eve raised the nation's alarm level over ISIS activity in the U.S. Last weekend I received an invitation to a party along with instructions to Dress to Kill. Apparently a turban, a beard, and a backpack is not what they had in mind.

• Allstate CEO Tom Wilson faced angry backlash for posting a video after the New Orleans attack saying if we act nicer that terrorists won't attack us. People are outraged at Wilson for appeasing ISIS. What is it about insurance company CEOs that makes everybody want to shoot them in the back?

• Panama's president slammed Trump's bid to retrieve the Panama Canal. He misses how Anglo-Saxons think. We stole North America, Australia, India, New Zealand and South Africa, so taking back a canal that we built in the first place is no worse to us than O.J. stealing back his own merchandise.

• Donald Trump sided with Elon Musk and came out in favor of the H1B immigration status for hundreds of thousands of high-tech jobs for qualified foreign workers in the U.S. The program is opposed by the GOP's anti-immigration wing. Elon loves H1B so much he named one of his kids after it.

• The Dallas Morning News reported that a dozen large drones hovered in the night sky over North Texas in a fixed formation before zooming off, resulting in more shaky explanations and public panic over these drones. I don't care what the U.S. government says. I am NOT getting the UFO vaccine.

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