Readers: Right about now, you may be feeling bad about the resolutions you've already broken, crushed into a million pieces and washed down with a pint of banana chocolate swirl Talenti.
But there's no need to hate your ice cream-addicted, never-get-ahead, willpower-of-a-gnat (who doesn't exercise) self. No indeed!
A yearlong resolution is simply too hard. Duh! The trick is to clear your mind and resolve to spend just two hours as the new you. It's easy!
Here's how I did it.
As of 9:30 this morning and for the next two hours, I re-resolve that:
—I will not eat a second breakfast, right down to the extra buttery toast, with the excuse that I get my best work done right after a satisfying breakfast.
—But ... buttery toast. Mmm...
—No, wait! I will eat better! I will welcome kale!
—"Hi, kale! This is the garbage can."
—No, no, no. They say that after you do something for 30 days, it becomes a habit. So if I can just spend the next two hours being good — that's like 30 days on Mercury, right?
—And then I'll be trim and healthy and positive!
—Positive I need more butter-dipped toast.
—No! Positive about life! And health! And exercise! Like, I am positively glad I just joined the gym for a full year starting — um, let me check...
—It started two Saturdays ago?! I've already wasted almost three weeks of this ridiculously overpriced membership to a gym filled with torture equipment and people who gulp their water so orgasmically it's like they're auditioning for a Dasani ad?
—OK. Reset. The joyous exercisers are not "them." They are me. I will become one of them. Hello, yoga for beginners!
—Although, are there any actual yoga beginners left besides me? I remember trying yoga once long ago; it was even before some cynical yogi came up with the idea of yoga mats — something you have to buy to do something that about a billion people who live on lentils do every day. Do you suppose they scrimp and save so that one glorious day, God willing — forget about replacing the dead goat — they can buy a yoga mat?
—Or yoga PANTS?
—Can you believe that stupid gym? Filled with sweaty hypocrites who can't stop gulping water and wear pants that cost more than a microloan that could give the children fresh goat milk every day and lift the entire family out of poverty?
—No way am I going there! I'll just stand more. Standing is supposed to be so good for you. Sitting is the new smoking.
—Or maybe I just won't start smoking. Or even vape. Because vaping is the new smoking, too, except no one can agree about whether it's going to kill you or just make someone want to kill you because you're such a poser.
—Question: How hip is it to smell like a grape Tootsie Pop?
—Resolve: I will not keep drifting off topic! I will concentrate on eating better, exercising more and focusing on my toast.
—Work, I mean! Focusing on my work! Who's obsessing about crunchy, buttery toast? Not this gal! At least not for the next 117 minutes.
This is going to be easy!