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Jewish World Review Jan. 5, 2003 / 11 Teves, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | Homeland Security said Friday it will scan every fan entering the Super Bowl for past crimes. It's done with face recognition software. Thank goodness they don't cover the players' entrance or there wouldn't be enough players to field two teams.

Michael Jackson starred in a CBS prime time special Friday in which the King of Pop sang his number one hits. He's beyond pop music now. Classical music fans can't wait to hear his first symphony, rumored to be called Lewd Conduct with A Minor.

Mad Cow caused a third herd to be quarantined in Washington Friday. The herd is at risk from eating brains and body parts of other animals. Howard Dean said this should be a warning to the other Democratic candidates to stop picking on him.

Dulles Airport Security Director Charles Brady was arrested for drunk driving after work Wednesday night. It goes with the territory. When you have the power to frisk every woman you encounter, you begin to think you're James Bond.

British Airways canceled three flights to the United States on Thursday and Friday. The pilots refused to fly with armed marshals. The only way to get from London to America these days is to fly to Mexico and walk across with everyone else.

The FBI grounded an Air France flight to Los Angeles when they misread three names on the passenger list. The new system rates each passenger's terrorism risk as red, yellow or green. It works perfectly unless you are Indian, Asian or airsick.

Steve Spurrier, citing personal humiliation, quit the Washington Redskins last week. Six other NFL head coaches were fired. Around this time of year, whenever a football coach tells you this is his bridge night, it could mean cards or jumping.

Wesley Clark wrapped up a Southern campaign swing with a rally in Nashville Tuesday. He moved to the South when he was a boy. He talked about the values he learned growing up in Arkansas, but he promised to reform and the crowd forgave him.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2002, Argus Hamilton