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Jewish World Review Jan. 30, 2004 / 7 Shevat, 5764

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

James Brown to run Dean campaign

Will Help Candidate Control Temper, Says Godfather of Soul | Former Vermont Governor Howard Dean shook up his campaign staff yet again today, naming "Godfather of Soul" James Brown his new campaign manager.

While Mr. Brown admitted he had no experience running a national political campaign, he told reporters in South Carolina today that he was optimistic that he could right Mr. Dean's ship in the crucial weeks ahead.

"I feel good," Mr. Brown said.

In a joint appearance before the press, Mr. Dean told reporters that the campaign under Mr. Brown's management would become "lean and mean," to which Mr. Brown added, "like a sex machine."

Wresting the microphone from Mr. Dean, the rhythm and blues legend said that his main contribution to the campaign would be "helping Howard deal with his anger."

"Teaching Howard to count to ten, take deep breaths, stop slamming doors in reporters' faces - those are the sorts of things we'll be working on," Mr. Brown said.

In other campaign notes, a heavily armed Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio) barricaded himself inside his South Carolina motel room today, refusing to quit the race.

Ten hours into the tense standoff, police negotiators attempted to communicate with the candidate by shouting out his single-digit vote tally from the New Hampshire primary through a bullhorn, but Mr. Kucinich did not budge.

Having recently collected Federal matching funds, Mr. Kucinich said he had enough ammo and beef jerky to hold out until the Democratic convention this summer.

Elsewhere, after claiming he was building "Joe-mentum" in New Hampshire, Senator Joseph Lieberman conceded today that he was going "Joe-where."

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz