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Jewish World Review Jan. 28, 2004 / 5 Shevat, 5764

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

‘Lord of the rings’ wins Democratic nomination

Party chooses movie blockbuster over Kerry | The Democratic Party ignored the triumph of Senator John Kerry (D-Mass) in the New Hampshire primary last night and instead handed the Democratic nomination for President to the movie blockbuster "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King."

The Democratic nomination brings the film's total number of nominations to twelve, Hollywood insiders said.

In naming the hugely profitable "Rings" sequel as its nominee, the Democratic Party broke with a longstanding tradition of nominating a human to head its ticket, with the exception of the year 2000 when it nominated Al Gore.

Peter Jackson, the director of the acclaimed "Rings" series, said he was "flabbergasted" by the Democrats' decision to have his latest film square off against President Bush in the fall election.

"This is a very flattering comment on our movie," Mr. Jackson told reporters. "Either that, or they think Kerry is a stiff."

But even though Mr. Jackson called the Democratic nomination for President "an honor," he said that "in the long run, the Golden Globes are probably more significant."

According to Democratic pollster Geoffrey Dandridge, electability was the issue that ultimately catapulted the movie blockbuster ahead of Senator Kerry.

"In a head-to-head contest, 'Lord of the Rings' beats Bush in every state but Florida, which is too close to call," Mr. Dandridge said.

Mr. Dandridge said that the Democrats would be well advised to balance their ticket by nominating a human for Vice-President, but added that prospects for a "Rings" victory in November were "extremely strong."

"The only way this movie can lose is if Michael Moore endorses it," he said.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz