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Jewish World Review Jan. 8, 2004 / 14 Teves, 5764

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports


Pop tart becomes Jewish, and a man, in Vegas quickie | Singing sensation Britney Spears was bar mitzvahed last night in what was described as a "quickie" bar mitzvah in Las Vegas, representatives of Ms. Spears confirmed today.

The suddenly Jewish pop tart was bar mitzvahed by the Rabbi Elvis Pearlstein, a rabbi/Elvis impersonator who performs bar mitzvahs in an open-all-night synagogue on the Las Vegas strip.

According to those who witnessed the four-minute ceremony, the saucy songstress eschewed the traditional religious rituals and instead warbled an altered version of her hit song, "I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman."

With Rabbi Pearlstein looking on, the platinum-selling recording artist reportedly sang, "I'm not a girl, not yet a woman. but today, I am a man."

While some fans expressed astonishment at the news of Ms. Spears' bar mitzvah, others took it in stride, sending the pop star savings bonds and gold pen/pencil sets.

But hours later, Ms. Spears stunned the world once more by revealing that she had had her bar mitzvah abruptly "like, un-mitzvahed."

In explaining her decision, Ms. Spears told reporters that she had only gotten bar mitzvahed as a way of one-upping rival Christina Aguilera, who had gotten a license to operate heavy farm machinery the night before in a quickie Vegas ceremony.

"Once I started getting all of those pen and pencil sets, I started feeling really guilty about the whole thing," Ms. Spears said.

On the question of her current religious status, Rabbi Pearlstein said, "The fact that Britney says she is feeling guilty means that she's still Jewish."

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Andy Borowitz Archives

JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.



© 2003, Andy Borowitz