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Jewish World Review Dec. 19, 2003 / 24 Kislev, 5764

Tom Purcell

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FOUND! The captured-Saddam transcript | "What the heck were you thinking, Saddam?"

"What you talk about?"

"Before you became president of Iraq, you actually did some good for your country. You pushed to use your country's oil wealth to build schools, hospitals and improve infrastructure."

"Saddam a great leader, yes."

"By 1979, you worked your way up the ranks and became president of Iraq. You could have used your country's oil wealth to continue investing in the future. But in 1980 you attacked Iran. That war lasted eight years and killed more than a million people."

"But Islamic fundamentalists overthrow Iranian government. Saddam fear they do the same within Iraq. Besides, Saddam chosen leader of the Arab people. He need to expand his territory."

"With your country deeply in debt and your economy stumbling, you made your next bonehead move. In 1991, you annexed oil-rich Kuwait."

"But Kuwait is rightful part of Iraq. The British occupy my people until 1920. It was they who draw up goofy borders that divorce Kuwait from my country. Saddam merely take back what was rightfully his."

"At that point, your country was really a mess. Your closest friends and supporters began to doubt you. So you had them killed. Some estimate that you and your sons murdered a million Iraqis during your 23-year reign."

"Poor Uday and Qusay! We were so close. A family that slays together stays together."

"After America kicked you out of Kuwait, your country was really in tatters. All you had to do was prove you were abiding by UN resolutions. Mainly, the world wanted to ensure you had no weapons of mass destruction, but you routinely interfered with inspectors."

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"But a dictator needs his privacy!"

"In 1998, so brashly did you ignore the resolutions that Clinton bombed your country for four days. You remained in power, of course - and successfully used the bombing to stoke anti-American hatred among the Arab people. You'd probably still be playing your little games if it wasn't for 911."

"But Saddam have nothing to do with World Trade Center and Pentagon attacks!"

"Ah, but documents are surfacing that show otherwise. The London Telegraph reports that, in fact, you embraced and even trained Mohammad Atta, the leader of the 911 attacks."


"You see, Saddam, everything has changed since 911. The way America treats its friends and enemies in the Middle East has also changed."

"All you Americans want is Saddam's oil!"

"Come on, Saddam. You were a power-hungry man. What's worse is you were erratic. We feared that you just might arm Al Qaeda with some powerful weapons and Heaven only knows what kind of suffering might result."

"More lies!"

"It's true we made some strange bedfellows in the past. It's true we treated the Middle East like a big gas pump. We'd load up our tankers and bring the oil home, while overlooking some of the awful things our 'allies' were doing to their own people. All we cared about was 'stability.' That approach clearly didn't work too well for us."

"Yes, Saddam was once friend of traitor Americans."

"Now we're siding directly with the people. Americans are an optimistic people and we're hoping above hope that democracy and freedom, and the prosperity it will bring, can take hold in the region. Maybe we're idealistic and na´ve, but we're hoping that people who prosper in free countries will stop trying to blow us up."

"But Iraqi people were happy under Saddam. Saddam receive 100% of the vote in election last year."

"Look, Saddam, in case you haven't noticed, Totalitarianism is out and democracy is in. Secret police, control over the press and brutality are out. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness are in. Democracy is catching fire all over the world. It's in America's interests, and everyone's, to help spread it!"

"You mean Saddam not able to negotiate his way back into power?"

"Saddam, you'll be lucky to negotiate your way back into a good haircut."

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08/01/03: Do you really want to live until 500?
07/18/03: "Ain't-my-fault" lawsuits are becoming more creative
07/18/03: The real story never makes for good summertime drama in Washington
07/11/03: Government bureaucrats, not elected officials, are really the ones determining what people and organizations can and can't do
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06/20/03: Crime Etiquette in Washington, D.C.
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06/05/03: An Open Letter to Bill and Hillary
05/30/03: We are a busy people
05/23/03: Liar, Liar
05/16/03: Laffer all the way to the bank
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04/21/03: Explaining Democracy to the Iraqis
04/11/03: Major increases to the beer tax? That's a cheap shot right to the beer gut
04/04/03: War humor
03/31/03: Dolphins, PETA and the USA
03/21/03: Traffic Wars
03/14/03: Ronald Reagan's St. Patrick's Day
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02/21/03: I'm worried about my people
02/14/03: George Washington Makeover
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01/24/03: "Gimme the, goo-goo, gah-gah, remote!"
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04/26/02: Zacarias Moussaoui gets expert legal advice

© 2003, Tom Purcell