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Jewish World Review Jan. 2, 2004 / 8 Teves, 5764

Tom Purcell

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Consumer Reports

Making New Year's resolutions for others | "What do you mean you have no personal New Year's resolutions?"

"Look, I'm sick of making resolutions for myself. This year I'm making resolutions for other people."

"Other people?"

"Yeah, I'm tired of so many Americans moaning and complaining and overlooking how good we have it here. So this year I resolve to give some of the whiners and complainers some positive direction."

"A bit presumptuous, but go on."

"Let me start with the Democrats running for president. I understand that in politics the goal is to make the other guy look bad, but if someone handed these guys a bag of gold, they'd say it was Bush's fault for making the bag too heavy."

"How true."

"Take Howard Dean. He was making hay among his party's left wing by running against Bush's decision to invade Iraq. The truth is we won't know the full impact of this preemptive strike for some time. But when we captured Saddam Hussein all Dean could come up with was that America is still NOT any safer. How absurd."

"He said that indeed."

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"Then Libya decides to come clean on its weapons of mass destruction, a clear sign that Bush's aggressive tactics in the war on terror are yielding some positive results to make the world safer. But Democrats pretend like that would have happened anyhow."

"Also true."

"And now, thanks to Bush's tax cuts for everyone including the rich, the economy is really starting to hum. The stock market is blossoming, the economy is growing and just last week jobless claims were they lowest they've been since Bush became president."

"No argument there."

"And last week a Canadian cow is found in America with Mad Cow Disease and the first things Democrats say is that Bush is at fault - even though a Washington Post editorial says the government's beef-screening process is actually working well."

"So what do you suggest?"

"I resolve that Democrats quit whining about how dumb and wrong Bush is and instead raise and debate important issues for the good of our country. Competition is good for everyone, but the Democrats aren't doing anybody any good, least of all themselves."

"I can see you have a lot to get off your chest."

"I'm just getting warmed up. I resolve that all the junk on broadcast television gets canned. You notice that as premium cable channels like HBO air higher and higher quality programming the stuff on the broadcast channels is getting even worse? That means only people who can afford HBO are watching the good stuff. I resolve that everyone purchases HBO this year."

"An odd resolution, but go on."

"I resolve that men stop becoming such wimps. Another study came out recently that shows that every time an episode of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" is aired, men are more likely to go shopping - with other men. Look, men don't shop with other men. In fact, men don't shop until their wives and girlfriends force them to. Goodness gracious, what are men coming to in this country."

"It's the metrosexual trend, I'm afraid."

"I resolve that people with personal problems, especially celebrities, keep their problems to themselves. Nobody wants to know your trials and tribulations, OK."

"Here, here."

"I resolve that Dr. Atkin's is posthumously awarded the Medal of Freedom this year. Thanks to the good doctor, millions of people are free to lose weight eating the tasty whole-food treats of their choosing. I'll bet if we shared this diet with people in the Middle East, peace would finally break out!"

"To be sure. Any other resolutions?"

"Just one. I resolve that Republicans start acting like Republicans again. What the heck happened to the Contract with America? They used to preach thriftiness and small government, now they're spending dough like Martha Stewart at an insider-trading sale."

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12/27/03: Holiday Pork
12/19/03: FOUND! The captured-Saddam transcript
12/12/03: Peace, Man
12/05/03: Who are you, Miss Manners?
12/01/03: Joyless, selfish children
11/21/03: Thanksgiving, updated for our times
11/14/03: Hang in there, tubby America, your day in the sun will come
11/07/03: Morale at Veterans' Day
10/31/03: The Big Picture
10/24/03: A sorry bunch
10/17/03: Conversation with a typical poll respondent?
10/10/03: Men and women and brains
10/03/03: Iraqi Pork
09/26/03: They would not leave
09/19/03: A radical idea
09/12/03: Food Guide Pyramid has a "stupidity factor"?
09/05/03: Flag waving and football cheering
08/29/03: People who have it all, too often don't
08/25/03: Attack of the 'virus twits'
08/08/03: Why not have a whole slew of the world's dignitaries and leaders come by to visit you?
08/01/03: Do you really want to live until 500?
07/18/03: "Ain't-my-fault" lawsuits are becoming more creative
07/18/03: The real story never makes for good summertime drama in Washington
07/11/03: Government bureaucrats, not elected officials, are really the ones determining what people and organizations can and can't do
07/03/03: Overworked Americans
06/27/03: The Metrosexual Male
06/20/03: Crime Etiquette in Washington, D.C.
06/13/03: My Father, the Thief and the MGB
06/05/03: An Open Letter to Bill and Hillary
05/30/03: We are a busy people
05/23/03: Liar, Liar
05/16/03: Laffer all the way to the bank
05/09/03: My mother's house
05/02/03: Teaching the Iraqis how to protest
04/25/03: Iraqi TV
04/21/03: Explaining Democracy to the Iraqis
04/11/03: Major increases to the beer tax? That's a cheap shot right to the beer gut
04/04/03: War humor
03/31/03: Dolphins, PETA and the USA
03/21/03: Traffic Wars
03/14/03: Ronald Reagan's St. Patrick's Day
03/03/03: My Family's Tragic Secret: We're French
02/21/03: I'm worried about my people
02/14/03: George Washington Makeover
02/07/03: Making quiet sacrifices
01/24/03: "Gimme the, goo-goo, gah-gah, remote!"
01/21/03: "Misunderestimated"
01/10/03: Republican night life
01/06/03: Exercise pills
12/31/02: They provide unending joy to those who are wise enough to let them in
12/13/02: Hurried Man Syndrome
12/06/02: In DC, snowstorms have important ramifications --- or, at least, they should
11/26/02: Police advertising
11/15/02: An Interview with Osama
11/01/02: How to vote in America
10/25/02: On edge in Washington, D.C
10/11/02: Giving new meaning to "selling your body"
10/04/02: Bush's Angels
09/27/02: Conservatives, Liberals, Dick Armey and Barry Manilow
09/20/02: Are SUV drivers are the new GOPers?
09/13/02: Bubba is Dubya's man
09/06/02: The Freedom to Picnic
08/16/02: Ah, the $izzle of anti-terrorist pork
08/09/02: Vacationless prez and gutless Americans
07/26/02: Study gives women permission not to hide their emotions
07/15/02: Patriot food
06/28/02: Eavesdropping on a San Fran classroom
06/21/02: The crowded skies
06/14/02: Contemporary Father's Day: A conversation for the ages
06/07/02: Legal rights for animals?
05/19/02: Advice for prom goers this year: Hold onto your money
05/10/02: Don't take her for granted
05/03/02: Letter to the parents of a tubby teen
04/26/02: Zacarias Moussaoui gets expert legal advice

© 2003, Tom Purcell