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Jewish World Review Sept. 13, 2002 / 7 Tishrei 5763
Yom Kippur: A formula for self-liberation
http://www.jewishworldreview.com |
A mouse in a psychologist's laboratory remarked to a colleague:
"I've really got this guy conditioned. Every time I push this lever, he
throws me a food pellet".
Trying to control someone else in a relationship usually backfires. It is
replete with internal contradictions and irrationality. Some deny trying to
control others to the extent that they become utterly passive in the
relationship-which is the most insidious type of control to identify and to
remedy-that of passive-aggression. Some people resent being controlled but
actually invite domination. In every problematic relationship-control issues
are the likely culprit.
The drive to control others does not necessarily derive from hostile sources.
To the contrary, it often stems from a genuine desire to help, as when
parents wish to direct their children away from mistakes they themselves have
made, or when a spouse tries to prevent the partner from engaging in
self-destructive acts, as may occur in the family of an alcoholic.
Yet even when the attempt is benign, it is important to remember that power
corrupts, and that what begins as benign and genuine concern may become
domination and control.
Not infrequently, however, the attempt to control is not benign to begin with
and is cloaked in altruistic garb: "I am only doing this for your own
benefit".
It may be difficult to see through the delusions of control. Perhaps Yom
Kippur is an opportunity to do some genuine soul searching-and to liberate
oneself from the need to control and domination of others. Ease up on the
control-and liberate yourself.
The delusion of control may have inadvertently been reinforced by modern
technology. In wagon days the driver would pull the reins casing the horse
some pain that could only be relieved by the horse turning in the desired
direction. What appeared to be "control" was actually the horse "choosing"
the desired action in order to be free of pain. This is totally different
from turning the steering wheel of a car-where there is absolute, unilateral
control by the driver.
We pull levers that move and direct giant machines and robots. Children (and
some big children) play with toys that they masterfully direct by remote
control. A satellite orbiting one million miles from earth obeys orders from
Mission Control. Technology has finally given man a measure of absolute
control, and he may think that this applies to interpersonal relationships as
well.
It is difficult to overcome the urge to control when one sees a loved one
behaving in a self-destructive manner. Parents and spouses often ask: "How
can I stand idly by and watch him destroy himself?"
The answer is that unfortunately we have no option. All we can do is to
advise the other person and try to point out the self-destructive nature of
the behavior. But beyond persuasion, there is nothing we ought do.
A great deal of anger and resentment is generated when we realize how
helpless we are in altering another person's behavior. The "rage of
impotence" has almost no parallel in intensity of emotions. Unless we are
aware of this and refrain from acting-out our fury we may do things that are
counterproductive and as destructive as the behavior we are trying to
control.
Acceptance of this impotence is most difficult. This is where the Serenity
Prayer is of such crucial importance. When we pray for serenity to accept the
things we cannot change we become aware that there are things beyond our
control and that it is fruitless to exhaust ourselves in trying to accomplish
the impossible.
Underlying the urge to control other people is the distorted self concept.
People with feelings of inadequacy may attempt to gain relief from these
distressful feelings by exerting dominance over others. This is where Yom
Kippur can help. We fast and spend the day reflecting on our own
actions-without even an attempt to control someone else. We focus merely on
trying to control and improve ourselves. This can be a 25 hour period to
liberate yourself from controlling others. Give yourself over to G-d and let
go of the delusion that we control anything except our own choices for our
own modes of behavior. Let go-and let G-d.
Part of the process of spiritual growth is to respect the freedom of others.
If we have offended, injured or controlled another then we have encroached on
his or her freedom
and rights. Spiritual growth requires that we make amends and repair the
imbalance that we may have created-called teshuva-returning to equilibrium.
The more we feel good about our own selves the less we will feel the need to
control others. When we hit our hearts on Yom Kippur we are not knocking
ourselves down. We are nudging and motivating ourselves to "return" to our
true selves-where we appreciate our own self worth and value-and in turn, the
value and worth of others.
Previously:
A Time to Fight Back
By Dr. Abraham Twerski, M.D.
Abraham J. Twerski, M.D. is a psychiatrist and ordained rabbi. He is the
founder of the Gateway Rehabilitation Center in Pittsburgh, a leading center
for addiction treatment. An Associate Professor of Psychiatry at the University
of Pittsburgh School of Medicine, he is a prolific author, with some 30 books to
his credit. He has recently launched a new 12 step program for self esteem development www.12steps2selfesteem.com
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