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Jewish World Review August 2, 2002 / 24 Menachem-Av 5762
Learning to Like Yourself
http://www.jewishworldreview.com |
I was in a grocery store when a woman walked down the aisle toward me
carrying some empty boxes. She bumped into everyone and everything as she
slowly made her way down the aisle and then she gut stuck between a shelf and
the boxes. With a sigh she said: "I seem to be getting in my own way."
One of the obstacles in the path toward spirituality is the reluctance among
many people to consciously reflect upon themselves. The reason for this
became apparent to me when I attended a health spa to treat my chronic low
back pain. I wanted to avoid potent painkillers for I am all too aware of the
high risk of addiction. When my position as the Director of Psychiatry at a
busy mental health hospital brought me to a point of burnout, I decided to
"get away from it all" in the peace and quiet of a mineral spa.
On the first day at the spa, I was placed in a whirlpool bath in a small
cubicle. It was nothing less than paradise. I relaxed in the warm water,
whose whirling streams gently relaxed my whole body. I was at peace and there
was nothing to disturb that peace. After about five or six very enjoyable
minutes, I emerged from the whirlpool, telling the attendant how relaxing the
experience had been. To my astonishment he said, "You can't get out yet, Sir.
The treatment here requires that you stay in the whirlpool for twenty five
minutes."
I returned to the tub, but not to an enjoyable experience. Every minute
lasted for a painful eternity and after five minutes I could no longer take
it. On my second exodus, the attendant informed me that unless I completed
the requisite twenty five minutes, I could not continue to the next phase of
treatment. Not wishing to have spent my money in vain, I returned for fifteen
minutes of absolute torture.
Later I reflected on what had been a rude awakening. I had been certain that
my distress had been due to the relentless pressures of my practice: a busy
emergency room, receiving cases around the clock; a 300 bed acute psychiatric
hospital for which I was responsible; serving as back up for all of the 300
patients if their personal psychiatrist was unavailable; frequent calls from
distraught family members, police, lawyers, state government officials and
sundry social agencies. Now I had been temporarily liberated from these
overwhelming pressures, yet I found more than five minutes of peace
intolerable. Why?
After a bit of self analysis, the answer became apparent. We are adept at
diversion, at amusing ourselves one way or another, but many of us are unable
to truly relax. We entertain ourselves by reading, watching television,
playing golf or cards, chatting with someone, listening to the stereo or CD
or many other activities. But to be entertained is to be diverted, for that
is what all these activities are: diversions. By focusing our attention on
these activities, we divert our attention from everything, including
ourselves. When all diversions are eliminated, we are left alone with
ourselves, forced into direct contact with our own personalities and the
personality flaws that trouble us, and this is where the difficulty lies.
I realized that when left alone in the cubicle in the spa there was no one to
talk to, nothing to listen to, nothing to read, nothing to watch, nothing to
do. I had been left totally alone, in absolute communion with myself. It is a
common experience that when one is left alone in a room with someone one
dislikes, it can be a very unpleasant experience, and one can hardly wait to
get away.
This realization raised the question: what was there about myself I did not
like? Why could I not tolerate being in my own presence?
I hypothesized that I must have some character traits that I would prefer to
disown, but whose existence I could ignore as long as I was distracted by
various external pre-occupations and stimuli. As I persisted in my
introspection I found myself to be a jealous person, often resenting why
others had more than I did. I was often vain, trying to impress people. I
became aware that when someone offended me that I could hate with a passion.
I had temptations and impulses that I thought should be alien to a truly
moral person. I reasoned that if people ever discovered what emotions existed
beneath this facade that I presented to the world, they would probably reject
me. And how could I ever merit blessings from G-d if I was indeed a base
person?
Along this rather depressing course of self reflection I came across a
passage in the Talmud that enabled me to gain a different perspective. The
Talmud explains (Tractate Shabbas 89a) that the various Biblical commandments
of behavior were given to man precisely because he has a fundamentally animal
body, subject to all the instincts and drives of the animal world. Man's
distinction is that he can become master over these impulses. In other words,
the discovery of animalistic traits within myself was no reason to consider
myself to be a "bad" person.
A bit of investigation with my patients confirmed my hypothesis: many people
are indeed incapable of tolerating themselves, because they harbor
self-directed feelings of negativity. Their discomfort with themselves may be
so great that they employ a variety of tactics, some of them quite drastic,
to escape or deny their identity as they perceive it.
I believe that this sorry state of affairs is a result of a distortion of the
self-concept. In other words, these people are in actuality fine, competent
and likeable people. The problem is that they are unaware of this reality.
Instead of seeing themselves as they really are, they somehow develop a
distorted image of themselves, and it is this distorted image, which they
assume to be their real image, that becomes intolerable.
Needless to say alcoholism and other drug addictions are frequently the
result of a person's trying to blot out a self-consciousness that is
uncomfortable and which is based on spurious and unwarranted notions of self.
Spirituality relates to what is unique in humans and how they master their
animal like instincts. This requires a valid and accurate self awareness
which may be distorted by negative delusions about one's self. For
spirituality to be pervasive, aspects of one's humanity must be viewed
realistically and must be appreciated.
Previously:
Contented cows
By Dr. Abraham Twerski, M.D.
Spiritual animals?
The Believer's Guide to 'Buying' Happiness
Preventing future attacks
American Spirituality
Trust
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): A very real condition
Helping our kids deal with trauma
The Creator helps those who help themselves
Knowing what to expect
Psychological fallout in the shadow of terrorism
Self-esteem in the face of world terrorism
Abraham J. Twerski, M.D. is a psychiatrist and ordained rabbi. He is the
founder of the Gateway Rehabilitation Center in Pittsburgh, a leading center
for addiction treatment. An Associate Professor of Psychiatry at the University
of Pittsburgh School of Medicine, he is a prolific author, with some 30 books to
his credit. He has recently launched a new 12 step program for self esteem development www.12steps2selfesteem.com
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