Jewish World Review Nov. 17, 2000 / 19 Mar-Cheshvan,5761
A: It turns out that in an attempt to save money, the state of Florida had all the votes counted at Disney World in Orlando.
Q: Was there a problem with this?
A: Yes. It turns out that Pluto ate more than 270,000 thousand ballots, Goofy turned 136,000 into paper airplanes and Donald Duck wrote in his name on nearly half a million.
Q: Should we be nervous?
A: No. This is the biggest "disconnect" since impeachment: The media are in an absolute tizzy, and the public is yawning. A CBS/New York Times poll has found that 72 percent of Americans are not worried in the least, an ABC/Washington Post poll found that 85 percent are unconcerned, and a poll I did yesterday of one bartender and two cab drivers shows 66 percent think the Mets should have won the World Series, plus or minus 3 percent.
Q: Are you convinced that everything in Florida is on the up and up?
A: Oh, sure. The governor is George W. Bush's brother, the secretary of state in charge of counting the votes was co-chairman of the Bush campaign in the state. Plus, according to USA Today, "She has been investigated for campaign-finance violations and criticized for spending state money jetting around the world, spending up to $500 a night for hotel rooms in Washington."
Q: Is that a lot for a hotel room in Washington?
A: You can stay in the Lincoln Bedroom for cheaper.
Q: So Florida might not be the most honest state in America in terms of counting ballots?
A: Let's just say that when I die I want to be buried in Florida so I can still take an active part in politics there.
Q: But why were so many people confused about how to vote in Florida?
A: This is a mystery. How come people who can keep track of six bingo cards at one time can't mark a ballot?
Q: Since Gore got more votes than Bush nationwide, why isn't he the president-elect?
A: Because the Founding Fathers invented something called the Electoral College, which was originally a beauty school granting degrees in cosmetology.
A: No, not really. The Electoral College was created because the Founders had an 18th century fear of the masses and wanted to be sure the landed gentry ultimately controlled presidential elections.
Q: Do we still have a landed gentry in America?
A: No, we traded them for Alaska.
Q: But what happens if we don't have a new president by Jan. 20?
A: Bush and Gore could become co-presidents, each serving for two years. Or Plan B.
Q: What's Plan B.
A: Bill Clinton becomes president for life.
Q: Would that be a bad thing?
A: Well, we wouldn't have to repaint.
Q: One last question: What is that thing on George W. Bush's face?
A: A boil. He got it immediately after Election Day.
Q: Is it serious?
A: No, but if it is followed by frogs, gnats, flies, hail, locusts, darkness and rivers
turning to blood ... he better watch