Clicking on banner ads enables JWR to constantly improve
Jewish World Review Nov. 17, 2000 / 19 Mar-Cheshvan,5761

Roger Simon

Roger Simon
JWR's Pundits
World Editorial
Cartoon Showcase

Mallard Fillmore

Michael Barone
Mona Charen
Linda Chavez
Ann Coulter
Greg Crosby
Larry Elder
Don Feder
Suzanne Fields
James Glassman
Paul Greenberg
Bob Greene
Betsy Hart
Nat Hentoff
David Horowitz
Marianne Jennings
Michael Kelly
Mort Kondracke
Ch. Krauthammer
Lawrence Kudlow
Dr. Laura
David Limbaugh
Michelle Malkin
Jackie Mason
Chris Matthews
Michael Medved
Kathleen Parker
Wes Pruden
Debbie Schlussel
Sam Schulman
Tony Snow
Thomas Sowell
Cal Thomas
Jonathan S. Tobin
Ben Wattenberg
George Will
Bruce Williams
Walter Williams
Mort Zuckerman

Consumer Reports

The latest edition of Mr. Answer Man! -- Q: Mr. Answer Man, what is the problem with counting those ballots in Florida?

A: It turns out that in an attempt to save money, the state of Florida had all the votes counted at Disney World in Orlando.

Q: Was there a problem with this?

A: Yes. It turns out that Pluto ate more than 270,000 thousand ballots, Goofy turned 136,000 into paper airplanes and Donald Duck wrote in his name on nearly half a million.

Q: Should we be nervous?

A: No. This is the biggest "disconnect" since impeachment: The media are in an absolute tizzy, and the public is yawning. A CBS/New York Times poll has found that 72 percent of Americans are not worried in the least, an ABC/Washington Post poll found that 85 percent are unconcerned, and a poll I did yesterday of one bartender and two cab drivers shows 66 percent think the Mets should have won the World Series, plus or minus 3 percent.

Q: Are you convinced that everything in Florida is on the up and up?

A: Oh, sure. The governor is George W. Bush's brother, the secretary of state in charge of counting the votes was co-chairman of the Bush campaign in the state. Plus, according to USA Today, "She has been investigated for campaign-finance violations and criticized for spending state money jetting around the world, spending up to $500 a night for hotel rooms in Washington."

Q: Is that a lot for a hotel room in Washington?

A: You can stay in the Lincoln Bedroom for cheaper.

Q: So Florida might not be the most honest state in America in terms of counting ballots?

A: Let's just say that when I die I want to be buried in Florida so I can still take an active part in politics there.

Q: But why were so many people confused about how to vote in Florida?

A: This is a mystery. How come people who can keep track of six bingo cards at one time can't mark a ballot?

Q: Since Gore got more votes than Bush nationwide, why isn't he the president-elect?

A: Because the Founding Fathers invented something called the Electoral College, which was originally a beauty school granting degrees in cosmetology.

Q: Really?

A: No, not really. The Electoral College was created because the Founders had an 18th century fear of the masses and wanted to be sure the landed gentry ultimately controlled presidential elections.

Q: Do we still have a landed gentry in America?

A: No, we traded them for Alaska.

Q: But what happens if we don't have a new president by Jan. 20?

A: Bush and Gore could become co-presidents, each serving for two years. Or Plan B.

Q: What's Plan B.

A: Bill Clinton becomes president for life.

Q: Would that be a bad thing?

A: Well, we wouldn't have to repaint.

Q: One last question: What is that thing on George W. Bush's face?

A: A boil. He got it immediately after Election Day.

Q: Is it serious?

A: No, but if it is followed by frogs, gnats, flies, hail, locusts, darkness and rivers turning to blood ... he better watch out.

Comment on JWR contributor Roger Simon's column by clicking here.


Roger Simon Archives

© 2000, Creators Syndicate