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Jewish World Review August 9, 2004 / 22 Menachem-Av, 5764

Roger Simon

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Consumer Reports

Simon says | Simon Says:

  • For all the dire warnings and gloom-and-doom predictions, Boston handled the Democratic Convention wicked good. New York City in late August? Most New Yorkers probably won't even notice there is a Republican Convention going on.

  • If there is any difference between a root beer float and a Black Cow, I have been unable to discern it.

  • For those of you who missed it, Bill Clinton's appearance on the "Late Show With David Letterman" this week was surprisingly serious. "I wanted to ask you about the status of Africa," Letterman said at one point. Clinton replied, "It is not hopeless," and said that AIDS was the biggest problem. In another exchange, Clinton talked about the expiration of the assault weapons ban on Sept. 13 and said, "Kerry is for extending it." Which leaves me with just one question: So how come Kerry never talks about it?

  • I am not sure why your belt color is supposed to match your shoe color, but it is.

  • The cost of parking overnight in a hotel garage has gotten totally insane.

  • There has been a ruling from the International Crossword Puzzle Commission in Antwerp: Using Google to solve crossword puzzles is definitely cheating.

  • Why do ATMs dispense $50 bills? Nobody wants $50 bills. The standard is simple: If a cabbie won't take it, we don't want it. (The only people who use 50s are drug dealers, and they use them to light their cigarettes.)

  • There is nothing quite as beautiful as a beautiful bridge.

  • Heard that this presidential election is going to be really, really close? Modern history says probably not. When incumbent presidents run for re-election, they tend to win big or lose big.

  • When was the last time you heard a really good marching band? (And when was the last time you really wanted to?)

  • Instead of publicly naming the buildings that we think terrorists are going to attack, why not surround the buildings with undercover agents and catch the terrorists in the act?

  • Until I saw a nighttime golf tournament on ABC this week, I had no idea you could play golf at night. (When did country clubs put lights in?)

  • In my experience, whenever you check into a hotel and the desk clerk tells you that he is giving you an especially nice room, he is invariably lying.

  • In the future, all babies will be given BlackBerries at birth and will learn to communicate solely with their thumbs. Human speech will eventually atrophy and wither away except for talk radio.

  • Quick, name the only state whose first two letters are vowels.

  • Anyone who says, "What you see is what you get" is always hiding something.

  • I really admire people who know how to wrap packages.

  • Blaze orange may be the big color next year.

  • It drives me crazy every time The New York Times refers to Osama bin Laden on second reference as "Mr. bin Laden." How many people do you have to murder before you lose the "Mr."?

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