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Jewish World Review July 25, 2001 / 5 Menachem-Av, 5761

Roger Simon

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Consumer Reports

Hey, Condit: Wanna stay in office? Encourage all of your 'friends' to give TV interviews -- IF I were Gary Condit, I would not be despondent or angry each time a past lover of mine came forward to speak to the media.

I would be delighted.

In fact, if I were him -- and I am happy these days that I am not -- I would encourage all of my past (and present) girlfriends to appear on television.

I would book them on Hollywood Squares, if I could. Or, if there were too may for the game board, I would book the Hollywood Bowl and let them parade past the cameras one by one.

Why? Because each past lover is evidence that Gary Condit dated women, but did not kill them.

Each one is evidence that when the magic went out of their relationship, Condit did not stick them in the trunk of a car, fit them for cement overshoes and dump them in some watery grave.

Each one tends to support the theory that Condit is an adulterer, but that is a long way from being a murderer.

True, being a serial adulterer is not the best thing a politician can be (though Bill Clinton proved it's not the worst thing, either).

Still, it's a lot better than being a serial killer.

Theories abound as to what Condit did or did not do to the still-missing Chandra Levy. Although the police say Condit is not a suspect -- there is, as of yet, no evidence a crime has been committed -- he is the only person they are questioning.

And Condit recently did one suspicious, or at least bone-headed, thing: According to media accounts, Condit ducked out of his D.C. apartment just hours before police were going to search it, drove across the Potomac River to Alexandria, Va., and dumped a watch box in a trash bin.

Since Condit's picture is on TV approximately every 16 seconds, he naturally was recognized, and the media and law enforcement were instantly alerted.

According to The Washington Post, law enforcement sources say the watch was a gift from a 29-year-old San Francisco area woman who was a staff assistant for Condit in 1994.

Washington's Assistant Executive Police Chief Terrance Gainer said, "I think he certainly owes us an explanation."

First off, I'd like Condit to explain just how dumb you can be even if you are a congressman.

He wants to get rid of a watch case and so he drives several miles to drop it in a trash bin in a public place?

Getting rid of a watch case is not exactly like getting rid of a piano or even a toaster oven. You can put a watch case in your pocket.

You can take it to work, break it up in little pieces and dump it down a toilet if you had to. You certainly do not have to make some clandestine drive like you are dumping nuclear waste.

Oh, well, nobody ever said Gary Condit was bright. A guy who fooled around as much as he did and expected to keep it quiet was no genius.

This is an age of revelation. People tell their deepest secrets on television. And they are encouraged to "share" and "connect" and "network" with their friends.

So I expect there are many, many past lovers of Gary Condit that we have not yet heard from, but soon will.

All of which is good news for Condit.

The more there are who are still breathing, the better it looks for him.

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© 2001, Creators Syndicate