Jewish World Review Feb. 24, 2004 / 2 Adar, 5764
SIMON SAYS ...
The last episode of "Sex and the City" was a third-rate ending to a second-rate season to a first-rate series.
When New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson was asked about Ralph Nader running for president, Richardson said: "It's about him, it's about his ego, it's about his vanity." Gimme a break. Being accused of too much vanity and ego by Bill Richardson is like being called ugly by a frog.
Besides, Ralph Nader did not sink Al Gore in 2000. The doofusses who voted for Ralph Nader sunk Al Gore in 2000.
Unless you own a horse, you should not own cowboy boots.
How come everybody is saying "Back in the day" all the sudden?
The question is not whether Iraq will become a quagmire. It already is a quagmire.
Admit it: You'd rather be Vince Vaughn than anybody in the world.
Call me crazy, but I think risotto is just a fancy name for rice.
Do they train waiters to interrupt you just as you're getting to the punchline of a joke?
All radio commercials should ban sirens and ringing phones.
People who lick their fingers before turning the pages of magazines should be beaten with sticks.
I will take an inn over a bed and breakfast any day. What's the difference? At inns you don't have to talk to people at breakfast.
A frozen margarita with salt on the rim is as fancy as a drink should get.
Where do people who live in Phoenix go when they retire?
You have to have at least a small degree of skill to go skiing, which is why I go tubing instead.
Rhubarb sorbet? Somebody has to be kidding.
How come water doesn't come in cans? You can get soda in cans and juice in cans. You can even get potato chips in cans. But not water.
I don't think over-the-counter cough syrups have really worked ever since they took the alcohol out of them.
I'll bet you have many pairs of socks you haven't worn in years.
I'm avoiding carbohydrates only because it's fashionable. I'm not sure what a carbohydrate is or does.
If you still think travel is fun, try flying anywhere on a Sunday. Go ahead, try.
I can't help it: I really like watching "Friends" re-runs. (Which are on just about every hour of every day somewhere in America.)
Instead of censoring all of television, why not just install "b-chips" in TVs so we never have to see Janet Jackson's breast again?
Does anyone still have fuzzy dice hanging from their rear-view mirrors?
No matter what group I am speaking to, somebody always asks me about Josiah Bartlett when I am done.
It seems like every restaurant in the world drags out a fancy chest full of exotic choices when you ask for tea. Personally, I prefer plain old Lipton.
Guaranteed prime-time speeches at the Democratic convention: Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Howard Dean. Clinton will be upbeat, Dean will attack Bush and Hillary will do whatever she wants.
Next time you check out of a hotel take those small bottles of shampoo and moisturizer and unused bars of soap with you. Save them up and take them to your local homeless shelter.
People who motion with their food during meals should not be allowed out in public.
Airlines are complaining that too many people are bringing rolling suitcases aboard, overwhelming the overhead bin space. Memo to airlines: Stop losing so much luggage and more people will start checking their bags again.
One thing I really want to do in my lifetime and probably never will: Learn a foreign language.
The first time I saw "Lost in Translation" I hated it, but the second time I saw it was on a plane and I liked it a lot. I guess some movies are just meant to be seen at 35,000 feet.
You read it here first: Neither Secreteary of State Colin Powell nor National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice will stick around if George Bush has a second term. And six months after Powell leaves, so will Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.
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