|
The News According to Sid
By Neil Rubin
FEW OF US CAN REMEMBER a more dizzying blur of
Wouldn't it be more fun to get the latest spin on it all
from Sid, the stereotypical Jewish broadcaster? I'd imagine that the
newscast would go like this:
(By the way, my 80-something-year-old Uncle Sid is not this man. He is
generally regarded as sane.)
The camera zooms in on Sid, who wears a rumpled blue blazer, loud
yellow shirt and no tie. He quickly tucks a Maalox bottle under his
desk.
"Ah hah! You came back! I'm Sid, obviously from the sign on my desk, and
here's the six o'clock news. Yeah, it's 4:30, but I need to hit the
early bird special with Goldie.
"This week we gotta lead with Bill's Follies.
"The president is allegedly caught again. There's no proof and who
really cares if there was? Even if he told her to lie, you never lied
before?
"Regardless of how it turns out, here's some kosher-style advice for
Arkansas Willie: Boychik, this is America and if you want to fool
around -- and I'm not saying you really did -- we find it dandy that you
chose a Jewish girl. So what if she's as active in the Jewish community
as Father Angelino on Fifth Street. You still think we don't brag about
it? Ahh, a few of us are upset. But those are the paranoids who keep
calling the ADL about The Nanny.
"Down at McDonalds this morning, the one with the free coffee for
seniors, we kept making up what her bat mitzvah speech must have been.
Details at 11 when the kids are asleep.
"Then there's this Gulf showdown, Round 36.
"Haven't had this much golf news since Tiger Woods anguished over the
menu at next year's Master's in Augusta. Babump.
"So Madame Insane is giving new meaning to mischegoss. He kicks out
U.N. inspectors, spits in the face of the top guy and then says Bill's
getting ready to pound him to distract attention from you-know-what.
"Seven years of sanctions has been long enough, he screams. Hey Sad Man,
that's what we said about the lox spread in the fridge and look how long
it lasted.
"This definitely ain't good for the Jews 'cause we know he's aiming
bio-nuclear-thermo-plastic missiles at Israel and Miami Beach. Will someone
please kipper this guy's herring already?
"That brings us to the Mideast peaceless process. Check out this little
ditty I wrote:
"They call Elway an old man? This is old!
(Sid shoves his hand into his mouth and extracts an upper set of teeth,
waving them for the camera. After popping them back in, he belches,
loudly.)
"Don't touch that dial, shmegegy! There's lots more news. The Pope
went to Cuba and the American priests with him smuggled home cigars for
their nuns. The Asian market is so low that even that smartypants Dershowitz
wouldn't defend it.
"There's lots of weather, too, but that's nothing new. Go home. I'm
gonna be late for dinner. And don't forget to tune in at 11, or maybe a
little earlier if I'm still real tired. We're going to have a live
report from my cousin Irving's hospital room. Doctors haven't seen a
gall bladder like this since Orson Welles donated his body to the
Smithsonian's Museum Of Unnatural History. Babump-bump!
"Goldie, get a booth. Those chairs murder my back."
It doesn't make the news any prettier, but at least it's a little less
predictable.
major stories than those of recent days. John Elway's impossible Super
Bowl quest. Clinton's alleged conquest. The Pope's Cuban spiritual
quest. Iraq banging loudly on the war chest. Clinton... well, you get
the point.
Bibi came to D.C. wondering if he'd get clobbered
But Bill's life was such a wreck he couldn't bother.
Yasser's pals think it's a Zionist plot,
which shows that their brains have severe mental rot.
Now everyone's more uptight,
wondering if it's heading for the ultimate fight.
"But the best news was that Super Bowl stuff. Perfect for the Jews, you
know, the underdog winning and all. My Wednesday night pitch game
buddies went wacko. So what if it wasn't a long trip.
New JWR contributor Neil Rubin is the editor of the Atlanta Jewish Times.