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Jewish World Review March 23, 2009 / 27 Adar 5769 After all these years, still not ready for my closeup By Dave Barry http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | I figured out why movie stars generally are young. It's not just because they look good naked. It's also because their brains still work. I learned this recently when I became an "actor" in a movie being made in Miami based on a book I wrote about guys. I put "actor" in quotation marks because real actors can, you know, act. Whereas my job in this movie was to walk into the scene where the real actors were acting, and say a line like: "Now, that's a good example of what I'm talking about!" Sounds easy, right? You just walk in there and say one sentence! What kind of moron would have trouble with that? An older moron. Me, for example. Oh, I'd memorize my line all right. I'd say it over and over, walking around the set like a deranged person, muttering to myself: "Now, that's a good example of what I'm talking about! Now, that's a good example of what I'm talking about! Now, that's a good example of what I'm talking about!" After maybe 600 repetitions, I'd be ready to go. The problem was that the movie crew was never ready when I was. Movie crews are, basically, never ready to go. There's always a problem. Sometimes the light is too bright; sometimes it's too dark; sometimes a key actor develops a flagrant booger. It's always something. And on those rare occasions when everything is perfect and you're set to go, suddenly, out of nowhere, a guy will appear about 50 yards away and fire up a leaf blower. It seems to be the same guy every time, no matter where you go. You could be filming a scene at the North Pole, and just when the director said "Action," vroom, there'd be your leaf-blower guy. The point is that there are endless delays on the movie set while the crew scurries around changing the lighting, wiping the booger, shooting tranquilizer darts at the leaf-blower guy, whatever. During these delays, I would strive to keep my line — "Now, that's a good example of what I'm talking about!" — foremost in my brain. But mine is an older brain, already crammed to capacity with vital information, and soon other thoughts would start seeping, like sewer gas, into the forefront. For example, my brain would decide, for reasons of its own, that now — right now, on the movie set, when I was about to do a scene — would be an excellent time to review the song sung in "Animal House" by Otis Day and the Knights, "Shama Lama Ding Dong." So I'd be walking around, with my mouth muttering, "Now, that's a good example of what I'm talking about! Now, that's a good example of what I'm talking about!" But my brain, in a loud brain voice, would be singing, "You're SHAMA LAMA, my rama lama DING dong!" over and over and over until this was all I could think about, and just then the director, Jeff Arch, would say "Action," and, with the camera and microphone pointed at me, and everybody watching me, I would say: "Now, that's an example of a good thing I am talking about!" Or: "I am talking about a good example of a thing now!" Or: "It's a good thing I have been talking now, about that example!" And Jeff would say "Cut," and we'd have to do it again, and then again, until it became clear to everyone that, dialogue-wise, the scene would work better with just the leaf blower. I did one scene with — I swear I am not making this up — a trained Chihuahua named Sidekick. I was supposed to pick Sidekick up off the ground, and, while walking toward the camera, say three sentences. Are you familiar with the old expression, "He can't walk and talk and carry a trained Chihuahua at the same time?" That describes the situation perfectly. I'm holding this dog, walking forward, looking at the camera, sweat gushing from every quadrant of my armpits, and the boombox of my brain is going: "You put the OOH MAU MAU, oh oh oh oh, back into my SMILE, child!" So we did it over and over, me picking up this poor defenseless dog, apparently for the sole purpose of blowing my lines. I bet when Sidekick got home he really chewed out his agent. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Comment by clicking here. Previously: Let's watch out for those conjugal phrases A trip to North Dakota puts me on the map Kicking and hugging This dad has a severe case of wedding belle blues Thanks to the British, I've suffered another art attack My vocabulary is just teeming with synergy A brief emergency It's time for me to come clean about my dirty ways A ruff and ready playmate Sticking it to bad drivers The gravity of skiing Warning: DO NOT READ WHILE SLEEPING! I had fun, fun, fun till someone took my Vega away Attack on language from Shaq to shark Defusing the turkey bomb Driving While Stupid I'm living in a perpetual state of confusion Traveling with little ones is just plane crazy It's time to unmask a more traditional Halloween U.S. needs to shoot for a better class of criminals Mountain man training involves some trash talk Ten rules for making the world a much better place A slide down memory lane reminds me I got burned This latest research is enough to drive you nuts Wrestling with night critters gives me butterflies Silly songs get this old teapot into some hot water Kids better wise up, or they're doomed to repeat Overweight? I'm in training for the next Ice Age The bleu plate special proves just ducky on this trip Just weighting for the day I can build a better body Better to light a single gift candle than to curse your wife These camping tips will make for some happy trails I'm shooting the rapids with eyes wide shut People's bad grammar is enough to make me sic Toilet water as a weapon? That idea really stinks The carefree days of summer begin with the ants in my pants Heartland's moovers & shakers are an udder disgrace I've found a guy who can do this better than I can If you really love Dad, give him a big box of nothing Graduates, the world is your oyster — and it's shut How to look good in a swimsuit — no ifs, ands or butts Trip proves I'm the king of my own castle The writer vs. the writher beats the Hil & Obama fight Complain about gridlock? That's just a dead end New phone tactics help me develop new hangups For faithful readers, a course in Journalism $1.01 How to speak English very much better When it comes to laundry, men are all washed up This houseguest is ready to throw in the towel Fixing your home can truly be a bonding experience The lies about this mammal just drive me batty In spin cycle of love, hard to be delicate It's just not the time to thumb our nose at bagels Latest fitness Rx for men is a yawn My daughter's party, I'll cry if I want to Sanguine ride on rabid transportation One experiment worth repeating Nothing like a good trip to help me see the light The lord of the dance doesn't have anything on me Invention clearly worth the brewhaha Safe on the slopes Why-oh-why-oh-why-oh… A gross national columnist Mr. Language Person: Weird word I (cough) was a teenage smoker! Frogs hop into the headlines Great American turkeys Mr. Fixit strikes again ‘Einstein Gap’: It's all relative Lost in space The Trojan Twinkie Caper MR. LANGUAGE PERSON: WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE! Feeding your worst fears Sock it to 'em, sartorially The rubber band man Does public art make sense? Needling the birthday boy On calamities (in the sky and on your head) Modern medical mysteries Bored games Dave's Field of Nightmares Lewis and Clark stepped here! The ultimate water gun Poetic license, with no rhyme or reason Great moments in science This won't hurt a bit One giant leap for frogkind My visit to Nether-Netherland Smile and say cheese Shooting carps in Wisconsin The perfect storm Stickup in aisle 3 Please don't feed the tourists Land of the Frozen Earwax The birth of wail Honk if you're married and can't cope with anger Rabbit ears get poor reception Percentage of frogs in food jumps Night of the living roach Mr. Language Person: Some words of wisdomality Mind your P's and Q's and teas Loose lips sink sequels NOW WE'RE COOKIN'! The right to Bear clubs Science: It's just not fair Road warrior specials Where's the beef? (Low fat) There is nothing like a male (guys) MOTIVATE! THEN FAIL! NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS Rooting for the midgets of the Midway Revolt of the rodents He can drive any truck named ‘Tonka’ All bets are off How do you spell S-A-T? Sour grapes and mud Pro golf: A game of non-stop boredom Guard-dog vigilance is nothing to sniff at Warm and fuzzy Cold War memories The funny side of ‘Beowulf’ HOLY HEAT WAVE, BATMAN! Abs-olute madness Beware of brainy bugs I'm in a sorry state The frog plague: The inside story If she had a hammer…. Keeping an eye on crime Camping and Lewis and Clark When in Iowa, don't forget to duck Junior takes the wheel Growing old with Dave Sites for sore eyes Beware of sheep droppings Ireland, land of bad Elvis Mr. Peabrain's misadventures When they're out to get you, keep cool Mothers of invention Kill 'em with kindness © 2006, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.

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