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Jewish World Review
Feb. 18, 2008
/ 12 Adar I 5768
Latest fitness Rx for men is a yawn
By
Dave Barry
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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Today we present: Masculine Medical News For Men. Our first item concerns what could be the most significant medical discovery for men since the invention of the electric nose-hair trimmer. According to an Associated Press article sent in by alert reader Shirley Damiano, researchers at the University of Chicago have discovered that — and here, to indicate the importance of this breakthrough, we will activate our keyboard's "Caps Lock" feature — MEN NEED SLEEP.
The reason for this is hormones, which are chemicals that our bodies produce so they can take control away from our brains. For example, men produce a hormone that compels them to watch instant replays on TV. If a man is watching a football game, a moose could walk into the room wearing a tutu, and the man will not notice, because his hormones are forcing him to watch, possibly for the sixth time, a football player fall down in slow motion. Women do not produce this hormone but they do produce one that compels them to rearrange furniture, and another one that causes them to believe they can improve their appearance by using a tiny pencil to draw dark lines around their eyeballs.
So anyway, according to the University of Chicago researchers, men produce a hormone that causes them to develop muscle mass, which they need to perform masculine tasks that are biologically necessary for human survival, such as operating the remote control. The thing is, men produce this particular hormone ONLY DURING DEEP SLEEP. If they don't get enough sleep, they become flabby.
In other words, men, the reason that you do not have the chiseled physique of a male underwear model is NOT that you have the same exercise habits as a cheese log: It's that you're not getting enough deep sleep! For your medical health, you must change your lifestyle immediately. I'm sure your spouse will be supportive.
YOUR SPOUSE: Dear, could you take out the garbage, mow the lawn and help me move a 350-pound sofa around the living room until I finally decide that I like it best in its original location?
YOU: Gosh, honey, I sure wish I could! But I need to get some deep sleep so I can build muscle mass.
YOUR SPOUSE: Gee, I guess that IS medically more important!
YOU: Thanks, honey! And by the way, those eyeball lines are very attractive!
I think there should be a TV exercise show called "Muscle Mass for Men." It would be similar to other exercise shows, except that instead of annoyingly perky women prancing around to annoying music, "Muscle Mass for Men" would consist of eight to 10 uninterrupted hours of a man sleeping in a Barca-Lounger. Before you know it, your muscles are going to be so massive that you may have to move up to a larger potato-chip-bag size ("Small Village") to provide your new physique with adequate nutrition.
But even the manliest man can become sick or injured. The question is: What should you do if you need medical treatment? The masculine answer is: Try to fix the problem yourself. Real men know that many so-called "serious" health problems, such as a sucking chest wound, that the so-called "medical profession" will charge you an arm and a leg to correct, can be easily treated via simple home remedies such as duct tape.
For a good example of a man treating himself in a manly medical manner, let us consider a newspaper clipping sent in by alert reader Joel Prange from the Redding (Calif.) Record Searchlight, concerning a man in Tehama County who had a painful corn on his toe. Now, if this man had gone to see a doctor, who knows what he would have been charged? So, according to the article, which I am not making up, the man "decided to shoot it with his 22-caliber rifle."
And guess what? It worked out FINE, except that he injured his foot and had to be taken to the hospital for treatment and may face legal charges. This is why the American Medical Association states: "For foot problems, it's a lot easier to aim a pistol." Nobody, of course, is suggesting that you should attempt this without ANY preparation. First, you should sleep.
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Comment by clicking here.
Previously:
My daughter's party, I'll cry if I want to
Sanguine ride on rabid transportation
One experiment worth repeating
Nothing like a good trip to help me see the light
The lord of the dance doesn't have anything on me
Invention clearly worth the brewhaha
Safe on the slopes
Why-oh-why-oh-why-oh…
A gross national columnist
Mr. Language Person: Weird word
I (cough) was a teenage smoker!
Frogs hop into the headlines
Great American turkeys
Mr. Fixit strikes again
‘Einstein Gap’: It's all relative
Lost in space
The Trojan Twinkie Caper
MR. LANGUAGE PERSON: WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!
Feeding your worst fears
Sock it to 'em, sartorially
The rubber band man
Does public art make sense?
Needling the birthday boy
On calamities (in the sky and on your head)
Modern medical mysteries
Bored games
Dave's Field of Nightmares
Lewis and Clark stepped here!
The ultimate water gun
Poetic license, with no rhyme or reason
Great moments in science
This won't hurt a bit
One giant leap for frogkind
My visit to Nether-Netherland
Smile and say cheese
Shooting carps in Wisconsin
The perfect storm
Stickup in aisle 3
Please don't feed the tourists
Land of the Frozen Earwax
The birth of wail
Honk if you're married and can't cope with anger
Rabbit ears get poor reception
Percentage of frogs in food jumps
Night of the living roach
Mr. Language Person: Some words of wisdomality
Mind your P's and Q's and teas
Loose lips sink sequels
NOW WE'RE COOKIN'!
The right to Bear clubs
Science: It's just not fair
Road warrior specials
Where's the beef? (Low fat)
There is nothing like a male (guys)
MOTIVATE! THEN FAIL! NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
Rooting for the midgets of the Midway
Revolt of the rodents
He can drive any truck named ‘Tonka’
All bets are off
How do you spell S-A-T?
Sour grapes and mud
Pro golf: A game of non-stop boredom
Guard-dog vigilance is nothing to sniff at
Warm and fuzzy Cold War memories
The funny side of ‘Beowulf’
HOLY HEAT WAVE, BATMAN!
Abs-olute madness
Beware of brainy bugs
I'm in a sorry state
The frog plague: The inside story
If she had a hammer….
Keeping an eye on crime
Camping and Lewis and Clark
When in Iowa, don't forget to duck
Junior takes the wheel
Growing old with Dave
Sites for sore eyes
Beware of sheep droppings
Ireland, land of bad Elvis
Mr. Peabrain's misadventures
When they're out to get you, keep cool
Mothers of invention
Kill 'em with kindness
© 2006, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.
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