In this issue

Jonathan Tobin: Defending the Right to a Jewish State

Heather Hale: Compliment your kids without giving them big heads

Megan Shauri: 10 ways you are ruining your own happiness

Carolyn Bigda: 8 Best Dividend Stocks for 2015

Kiplinger's Personal Finance editors: 7 Things You Didn't Know About Paying Off Student Loans

Samantha Olson: The Crucial Mistake 55% Of Parents Are Making At Their Baby's Bedtime

Densie Well, Ph.D., R.D. Open your eyes to yellow vegetables

The Kosher Gourmet by Megan Gordon With its colorful cache of purples and oranges and reds, COLLARD GREEN SLAW is a marvelous mood booster --- not to mention just downright delish
April 18, 2014

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Clarifying one of the greatest philosophical conundrums in theology

Caroline B. Glick: The disappearance of US will

Megan Wallgren: 10 things I've learned from my teenagers

Lizette Borreli: Green Tea Boosts Brain Power, May Help Treat Dementia

John Ericson: Trying hard to be 'positive' but never succeeding? Blame Your Brain

The Kosher Gourmet by Julie Rothman Almondy, flourless torta del re (Italian king's cake), has royal roots, is simple to make, . . . but devour it because it's simply delicious

April 14, 2014

Rabbi Dr Naftali Brawer: Passover frees us from the tyranny of time

Greg Crosby: Passing Over Religion

Eric Schulzke: First degree: How America really recovered from a murder epidemic

Georgia Lee: When love is not enough: Teaching your kids about the realities of adult relationships

Cameron Huddleston: Freebies for Your Lawn and Garden

Gordon Pape: How you can tell if your financial adviser is setting you up for potential ruin

Dana Dovey: Up to 500,000 people die each year from hepatitis C-related liver disease. New Treatment Has Over 90% Success Rate

Justin Caba: Eating Watermelon Can Help Control High Blood Pressure

The Kosher Gourmet by Joshua E. London and Lou Marmon Don't dare pass over these Pesach picks for Manischewitz!

April 11, 2014

Rabbi Hillel Goldberg: Silence is much more than golden

Caroline B. Glick: Forgetting freedom at Passover

Susan Swann: How to value a child for who he is, not just what he does

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Financial Tasks You Should Tackle Right Now

Sandra Block and Lisa Gerstner: How to Profit From Your Passion

Susan Scutti: A Simple Blood Test Might Soon Diagnose Cancer

Chris Weller: Have A Slow Metabolism? Let Science Speed It Up For You

The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington Whitefish Terrine: A French take on gefilte fish

April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review June 11, 2007 / 25 Sivan, 5767

Object of love all sublime

By Suzanne Fields

Printer Friendly Version
Email this article

http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | The long-running war between the sexes is often interrupted by brief ceasefires, usually to enable fraternizing with the enemy, but some of us are ready to stop the fighting and go home — alone. Same-sex marriage has brought partisan politics to a boil, and now no-sex marriage is coming at us from Europe.

Eija-Riita Eklof-Mauer, a Swedish lass of indeterminate age, is carrying the torch for what you might call a very substantial lover. Soon after she married him nearly 18 years ago he was set upon by a horde of vengeance-seekers, armed with hammers and chisels, and soon the lover was gone with the wind. The bride had fallen in love with the Berlin Wall. She legally changed her name to Eklof-Mauer, because "Mauer" means "wall" in German, and now she's a young widow. "With the emotional bonds, deep love, good memories together with him . . . the only way to survive is to block this terrible event," she wrote in her diary of the day the wall dividing East and West finally fell.

As my columnist-colleague Dave Barry would say, "I am not making this up." The Widow Eklof-Mauer suffers a bizarre sexual obsession with a scientific name, called "objectophilia." She is scientifically called an "objectumsexual." Not everyone with the obsession has a thing for buildings, but many do. Some objectophilians are hung up on cars, laptops, musical instruments and even toy trains. They can even feel arousal, which is sad because this kind of love is necessarily unrequited. But unrequited love, as we all know, can be the most magnificent obsession of all. Literature is full of it.

Another young woman, identified in the academic literature only as Sandy K., is a widow, too. Her "husband" was the World Trade Center. She regarded the Twin Towers as male, sexy and extremely desirable, and it doesn't require the diagnostic skill of a sex therapist to figure out the why and wherefore of her fantasy. Her sad story is told by Spiegel Online, the authoritative German newsmagazine. "When it comes to love," she says, "I am only attracted to objects. I couldn't imagine a love affair with a human being."

Though buildings seem particularly seductive, objectumsexuals can focus their affections on almost any inanimate object (which many women will say includes their human husbands). Joachim A. is 41 and like many men before him was attracted at an early age to toy trains. He was only 12 when he fell hard "into an emotionally and physically very complex and deep relationship [with toy trains], which lasted for years." He had a brief flirtation with a Hammond organ (I'm not making this up, either), briefly going off the miniature rails. He's particularly susceptible to the seduction of the inner workings of mechanical objects, and repairing machines has sometimes led him down a path not of tiny crossties, but of primroses. "A love affair," he told Spiegel Online, "could very well begin with a broken radiator."

It's tempting to laugh, but surely it's only a matter of time, and not much of it, before objectumsexuals will demand government recognition of their sexual inclinations. Karl Rove will see them as an exploitable voting bloc. But surely they'll have to find something cleverer and catchier to call themselves in their mania for heavy metal, bricks, mortar and shiny things if they want to make a mark on the political culture. The word "gay" is taken, but they could call themselves "cheerfuls" or "convivials." Or maybe "glees."

Objectophiles, in fact, come in both heterosexual and homosexual persuasions. One male objectumsexual dotes on his laptop, a Macintosh (naturally), and it's definitely male. "I'm living in a homosexual relationship, so to speak," he says. Doro B., a lesbian, fell for her metal processing machine at work and "immediately sensed a female presence." She grooves on its "sweet feminine hum."

But if the "glees" or "cheerfuls" don't yet have government recognition, they have a growing body of academic literature, and some of the news is ominous. Volkmar Sigusch, a professor and former director of the Institute for Sexual Science at Germany's Frankfurt University, sees objectophilia as evidence of a general cultural drift into asexuality. "More and more people either openly declare or can be seen to live without any intimate or trusting relationship with another person," he says. But the professor notes that objectophiles aren't hurting anyone. "They're not abusing or traumatizing other people. Who else can you say that about?" And they keep their toys snugly in the closet. If you don't ask, they won't tell.

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

Comment on JWR contributor Suzanne Fields' column by clicking here.


Suzanne Fields Archives

© 2006, Creators Syndicate, Suzanne Fields