Jewish World Review August 23, 2002 / 15 Elul, 5762

Greg Crosby

Greg Crosby
JWR's Pundits
World Editorial
Cartoon Showcase

Mallard Fillmore

Michael Barone
Mona Charen
Linda Chavez
Ann Coulter
Greg Crosby
Larry Elder
Don Feder
Suzanne Fields
Paul Greenberg
Bob Greene
Betsy Hart
Nat Hentoff
David Horowitz
Marianne Jennings
Michael Kelly
Mort Kondracke
Ch. Krauthammer
Lawrence Kudlow
Dr. Laura
John Leo
David Limbaugh
Michelle Malkin
Chris Matthews
Michael Medved
Kathleen Parker
Wes Pruden
Sam Schulman
Amity Shlaes
Tony Snow
Thomas Sowell
Cal Thomas
Jonathan S. Tobin
Ben Wattenberg
George Will
Bruce Williams
Walter Williams
Mort Zuckerman

Consumer Reports

Why women will never be men | Thanks to all the progressive, equal rights, and feminist movements of the past forty years or so, women have made great strides in their on-going struggle to be less feminine and more masculine. Today's modern woman looks, sounds, and acts more like men then ever before in history. They lift weights, have their bodies tattooed and use swear words in public that sailors of previous generations wouldn't even have considered.

They dress like men, walk like men, drink like men, and play sports like men. They out-shout men in business meetings and can be as ruthless (or more so) than their male counterparts in deal making, personnel matters, and all other aspects of corporate affairs. They compete with men for jobs in every arena -- they go to war, they fight fires, they build skyscrapers, they head corporations -- there is virtually no male vocation that women have not entered into.

In their desire to be "equal with men" they have become man-like. Women have gotten tough, aggressive and competitive. Demure, sweet, gentle and delicate -- common adjectives which used to describe ladies -- are all attributes which are clearly out of fashion for this generation's woman. To listen to women's rights groups like NOW and others, this is good news. Women are making progress, they claim. But is it progress for a woman to become a man?

It's been said that the feminist movement is actually a move toward masculinity, and I certainly agree. Radical feminism, seeking to remove all things feminine from women, have attempted to create a woman who is nothing more than a "softer-man" who just happens to have the ability to give birth to children -- when and if she so desires.

But guess what? It's not working. Women can pump iron all day long; they can use the "f" word in every other sentence; they can smoke cigars and tattoo anchors to their arms; they can be CEOs at the biggest corporations in the world; they can cut off the hair on their heads and grow the hair on their legs, but they can never, ever become a full fledged man. The reason is simple, there are basic innate differences between the sexes -- and I don't mean just the plumbing either.

There are a few specific things in life which go to the very heart of what makes a woman a woman and a man a man. Take wind chimes for example. Wind chimes are one of the little things in life that separate the men from the women. Women consider wind chimes lovely and restful. Men don't consider wind chimes at all.

Mention wind chimes to a woman and her little eyes light up. She thinks about which type of wind chimes would be right for her. She mulls over wood verses metal chimes, various tonal qualities, proper weight, decorator colors, and the best place to hang them.

Mention wind chimes to a man and his eyes glaze over. Real men just aren't into wind chimes. Has there ever been a real man who has actually gone out and bought wind chimes for himself? Of course not. Men have more important things to buy -- like band saws, carburetors, DVD players and stuff.

A woman will actually spend time shopping for just the right wind chimes -- and if you're the unlucky man to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, you'll actually get to go with her. "Could you hold that one up a little higher, honey? That's good. Now blow on it so I can hear what it sounds like."

About the only thing women enjoy shopping for more than wind chimes, is shopping for scented candles. There are stores that sell nothing but candles -- in every size and color and fragrance. Candles in jars, candles in bowls, candles in water. Candles for every occasion, every holiday, every event. There are Christmas candles, Hanukkah candles, Halloween candles. Candles for celebrating a birthday, candles for honoring the dead, candles for making love, candles for praying to G-d, candles for Satan worship.

There are candles for the dining room, candles for the bathroom, candles for the bedroom. Women just can't have enough candles -- the more the merrier. I've noticed that the latest thing seems to be to fill up an entire room with as many candles as you can find. They had a name for rooms like this -- they called them cathedrals.

Which brings me to one other purely woman thing -- angels. Have you noticed how all of a sudden angels are being sold all over the place? It started with little guardian angel pins, then dolls, then ceramics, and now everywhere I turn I'm getting bombarded with angels. It's hard to get angry at angels, but I'm getting close.

If some smart marketer could come up with scented wind chimes in the shape of angels that burned like candles as they tinkled in the breeze, he'd really be on to something.

What is it with women and wind chimes and candles and angels anyway? What is it that we men are just not getting? If I knew the answer to that, maybe I'd have the answer to the universe itself.

Well, I may not have the answer to the universe, but I do know this ... until the time comes when women can overcome their intense passions for wind chimes, scented candles, and angels, they will never, ever, ever, be equal with men.

Enjoy this writer's work? Why not sign-up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

JWR contributor Greg Crosby, former creative head for Walt Disney publications, has written thousands of comics, hundreds of children's books, dozens of essays, and a letter to his congressman. A freelance writer in Southern California, you may contact him by clicking here.

Greg Crosby Archives

© 2001 Greg Crosby