Jewish World Review August 17, 2001 / 28 Menachem-Av, 5761

Greg Crosby

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Consumer Reports

Crazy thoughts -- THERE'S this nutroll Italian scientist, along with a couple of other Abba-Zabas, who say they're going to start cloning human beings very soon. This is no joke. They supposedly have more than a thousand people lined up and ready to go in the US already. Cloning ANYBODY is questionable on ethical and moral grounds alone, but wouldn't it be horrible if they mostly cloned idiots and jerks? You know they will.

Listen, you won't be getting clones of Albert Einstein or Leonardo da Vinci, that's for sure. For one thing, there are no Albert Einstein's and no Leonardo da Vincis today. We've got Albert Gore and Leonardo diCaprio. So, think about it. Who is around today that you'd really like to see cloned? Which one of our wonderful cultural icons should we make more of? Bill Clinton? Madonna? Al Sharpton? Eminem? Oprah? Ben Afflick? That's just what the world needs -- more narcissistic boors.

So just what is the deal with all these gangs of older women in TV commercials lately? There are several ads running now which feature groups of giggling middle-age women doing all manner of physical things together (riding motorcycles, tai chi, and frolicking on a beach are three that come to mind). Not a man to be seen anywhere. Remember, these aren't packs of teeny boppers bouncing around, the women portrayed in these ads are 40 plus years old -- some even look to be seniors.

Now, I know enough about the entertainment industry and ad agency businesses to assure you that NOTHING is ever done by accident or happenstance -- every move they make is deliberate. So what's the message here? What? -- women don't need men? Very, very strange.

Have you seen the photo of Al Gore with a full beard? With the added facial hair and the weight gain he looks like Raymond Burr. Is this is another image make-over? Alpha-Al didn't make it, so let's try Alter Kucker-Al. Or maybe he's just getting ready for Christmas. Ho. Ho. Ho.

If Gore Vidal married Al Gore he'd be Gore Gore.

If Vidal Sassoon married Gore Vidal he'd be Vidal Vidal

Clinton has made a 12 million dollar book deal to write his memoirs. What do you think would make a good title for Clinton's new book? "The Lyin' King" "From Hope to Hoke" "Better Get Some Ice On That" "Pardon YOU" "There's A Sucker Born Every Minute." "A Spin Around The Block." "The Big Lewinski." "Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire." "I May Be Impeached, But I'm Not Stupid" "I Always Wanted To Play The Apollo." There are lots of good possibilities. How about using the title that was used for another former President, with sight modification -- call it "In Dutch."

Can't something be done to stop cops from wearing those silly-looking shorts? I mean, I guess it's okay if you're a police officer in the Bahamas or something, but I don't want to see big city cops dressed that way. Let's face it, shorts are not very macho unless Charlie Brown is your idea of a he-man. Police in short pants really look like goofy little kids. When I see a cop dressed that way I want to give him one of those beanie hats with the propeller on top... and a balloon.

Let me illustrate for you just how dumb cops look in shorts. Remember how Humprey Bogart looked in "The Big Sleep" playing hard-boiled detective Philip Marlowe? Remember what he looked like in his hat and trench coat? Now imagine him dressed exactly that way -- but instead of slacks, imagine him wearing shorts. Dumb looking? Yeah.

We must really be into a serious recession -- I hear Michael Ovitz is actually using HIS OWN money now!

JWR contributor Greg Crosby, former creative head for Walt Disney publications, has written thousands of comics, hundreds of children's books, dozens of essays, and a letter to his congressman. You may contact him by clicking here.

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© 2001 Greg Crosby