Jewish World Review June 10, 2002 / 1 Tamuz, 5762

Greg Crosby

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Secret meeting | At this very minute in some country in the Middle East, or maybe in Europe, or perhaps in North Africa, or possibly anywhere on earth, a top-secret meeting has been called by a group of terrorist big shots. This group, known throughout the western world as Radical Arab Terrorists (or RATS), but known to each other as the Society of Loyal Islamic Militant Elite-Born Arab Geniuses (or S.L.I.M.E.B.A.G.) has convened to discuss their plans for the upcoming Jihad summer and fall events. As the Arab Muslims walk in, greet one another, then take their positions on pillows, let's listen in...

Osama bin Laden: "Order! Order in the cave! The meeting of SLIMEBAG will now come to order! Secretary Raam al-Lahma Dhing Dhong will begin with roll call."

Secretary: "Ayman al-Zawhri?"


Secretary: "Shaikh Saiid al-Sharif?"


Secretary: "Tawfiq Attash Khallad?"


Secretary: "Ramzi Binalshibh?"


Secretary: "Khalid Shaikh Mohammed?"


Secretary: "All present and accounted for, your Exaltedness."

Osama: "Good. As you all know, the central focus of this 'off-site' will be to formulate plans for our summer and fall activities for 'Jihad Jubilee 2002.' Before we start, are there any questions?"

[Fat guy in the back raises his hand]

Osama: "Yes, you in the back... Ja-moka al-Monhd Fhudge, what is your question?"

Ja-moka: "Thank you for recognizing me, your Wonderfulness. My question is, why do you call this meeting an 'off-site' when all our get-togethers are basically 'off-site.' I mean, we have no 'SITE' -- so EVERYTHING we do is off-site. Our whole lives are off-site."

Osama: "You DARE question Osama bin Laden? Guards, take this infidel out and chop off his hands. Then rip out his tongue. Then pluck out his eyes. Then piece his ears. Then pull down his pants. Then string him up upside down. Then laugh at him. Then kill him."

Ja-moka: "Thank you, your Awesomeness. But one final question..."
Osama: "Yes?"

Ja-moka: "Does this mean no virgins?"


[He is dragged out]

Osama: "Okay. Are there any other questions?"


Osama: "Good. Now let us get on with the agenda. Is there any old business? Mohmar Omar Mofo, fill us in on the martyr program, please."

Mofo: "Thank you for recognizing me, your High and Mightiness. Well, things are going well. As a matter of fact, I might say our suicide bomber business is BOOMING! Hee hee!"

[Uproarious laughter by all]

Osama: "I get a real CHARGE out of hearing that! Har har!" [Convulsive laughter]

Mofo: "Yes, your Elevatedness, I thought you might get a BANG out of it!"

[Convulsive laughter bordering on hysteric]

Osama: "Is this [har har!] a great job, or what? [Hee, hee!] We're having waaay too much fun here! Hahahaha! But enough with the puns already. Hehehe! Now, tell me how things are going with the martyr program, Mofo. But REALLY tell me this time or I'll have you sliced up in a thousand and one Arabian pieces and spread all over the freakin' desert."

[Complete silence]

Mofo: "Yes, your Most Loftiness. The program is a success. We've got plenty of young 'volunteers' coming up through the schools, thanks to the continued efforts of our educational 'outreach' programs with Saudi Arabia, Iran and UNRWA."

Osama: "That these youngsters are learning meaningful hatred lessons at school is great, but let us not discount the importance of parental involvement and religious teachings along with it. Remember, if what they learn in class is not reinforced in the home and in mosque, then our cause could be lost."

Mofo: "Of course, your Sensationalness. As you've said many times, it takes an Islamic village."

Osama: "Or a United Nations refugee camp." [Laughter resumes]

Osama: "Way, waay too much fun! Okay, now I would like to hear from the head of our Jihad Jubilee 2002 committee, Abdula bin Shat Ohn. Give us a review of activities for the year."

Abdula: "Thank you, your Swellness. We've had a pretty good year so far. The American cowboy infidel pigs haven't been able to find us."


"Also, thanks to Chairman Arafat and our Palestinian brothers we were able to light a fire in Palestine this Spring which had the desired effect we were after -- namely to divert attention from Iraq and keep the Americans from expanding the war. And our PR group was able to make the most out of the Israeli response -- more than we hoped for -- anti-Semitic hatred and violence has expanded internationally."


"Now we have successfully agitated Indian and Pakistani tensions in Kashmir and once again Americans and other Western infidels are concentrating their attention on that region, allowing Brother Saddam to continue his important work without interruption."

Osama: "Praise be to Allah! What a wonderful year so far! What do you propose as the next event? Shall we strike the Americans again? "

Abdula: "We don't have to, your Magnificentness. American collage professors, leftist judges, the news media, and Jewish-American liberals are doing a fine job for our cause on their own. They do not need our help. We can win there -- given enough time.

Osama: "All right, then. But what of the next event?"

Abdula: "I suggest we go on a vacation, your Phenomenalness. Possibly to Disney World. Florida would be quite nice this time of year."

Osama: "Vacation, eh? Hmmm.... Yes, perhaps we all could use a rest. Besides, I hear there are bargains to be had on airfares."

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JWR contributor Greg Crosby, former creative head for Walt Disney publications, has written thousands of comics, hundreds of children's books, dozens of essays, and a letter to his congressman. A freelance writer in Southern California, you may contact him by clicking here.

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© 2001 Greg Crosby