Jewish World Review Feb. 10, 2006/ 12 Shevat, 5766

Greg Crosby

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Doing All Kinds of Stuff with the Stars | One of the hottest television shows last season was "Dancing with the Stars." This season they've introduced "Ice Skating with Celebrities." Can you sense the trend here? Can you? Brace yourselves for the next wave of television reality programming. Now your dreams of spending all that quality time with your favorite star is here at last! I've already compiled a list of what we can expect to see on the tube in the very near future.

"Eating with the Stars." Every week each of our stars along with a guest goes out to a restaurant to eat a meal. They can choose any type of restaurant they want and can order whatever they wish. Judges observe the entire meal with points given for quality of food, calorie intake, sodium content, quantity of carbs, etc. Picking the correct wine to go with the meal gets extra points. Table manners do count and as well as dressing properly for the particular restaurant you've chosen.

"Purging with the Stars" Same idea as the above expect with a twist. After the meal the star and his guest excuse themselves for a few minutes. They leave separately, not together. When they have both returned to the table, they order chocolate cake with ice cream.

This cycle continues for several episodes.

"Dieting with the Stars." See above.

"Sleeping with the Stars." Sleepovers with the rich and famous. Open to all celebrities with the exception of Michael Jackson. Judges have to try and keep up with which star is sleeping with whom. Not an easy task - even the stars themselves have trouble figuring that one out...

"Fighting with Celebrities." Celebrities square off with paparazzi, fans, agents, exes, and almost anyone else in their lives that bug them.

"Rehab with Celebrities." At last, just plain burned out folk can mingle with their favorite stars in the private rehab facility of their choice. Pick one on the glamorous California West Coast, of maybe a hidden island retreat off of Florida. You'll have so much fun you may never want to be voted off!

"Demonstrating with the Stats" Join your favorite movie or TV star along with a guest attorney form the ACLU on this weekly show as he or she takes to the streets with bullhorns and placards to protest any one of the myriad left-wing celebrity causes they align themselves with. The star that gets thrown in jail first, wins.

"Deep Thinking with the Starts" Never mind. This pilot doesn't stand a chance. Any more than "Learning from Celebrities" does.

"Grocery Shopping with Celebrities." Now here's a series with some legs. Starts like Kirstie Alley and Al Roker have fun shopping in the market, buying all the junk they normally stuff into their face when they are hiding in their mansions far from public view. We get to see first hand their choice of cookies, ice cream, and other snack foods. Other starts who tend to be on the slimmer side shop for sprouts, tofu, and wheat germ. Phone in polling by viewers will show which way of eating truly pays off.

Other possible spin off shows might be: "Rapping with the Stars." "Swimming with the Stars." "Driving with the Stars." "Falling Down with Celebrities." "Hosing Off with Celebrities." "Getting Bar Mitzvahed with the Stars." "Having Children with the Stars." Oh, the possibilities are practically endless.

By the way, you must have heard about that French woman who had the world's first face transplant. The surgery, from everything we know, was very successful. Will this open up additional face transplants in the future? Will people donate their faces just as they now donate their organs? How would you like to be walking down the street one day and look into someone's face and see the face of your dead Uncle Bob looking back at you? And would Uncle Bob recognize you? No, I suppose not.

Will face transplants become elective surgery like other forms of plastic surgery? There's a few faces I can think of that I wouldn't mind seeing changed. But wait! Is there a new show here? "Changing Faces with the Stars." Y'know, somehow it just wouldn't surprise me.

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JWR contributor Greg Crosby, former creative head for Walt Disney publications, has written thousands of comics, hundreds of children's books, dozens of essays, and a letter to his congressman. A freelance writer in Southern California, you may contact him by clicking here.

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