Jewish World Review Jan. 25, 2002 / 12 Shevat, 5762

Greg Crosby

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Poor, poor terrorists -- THE International Committee of the Red Cross is worried that the captured al Qaeda and Taliban terrorists being held at our naval base at Guantanimo are not being treated fairly and humanely. Amnesty International, Human Rights Watch, and other assorted humanitarian aid groups have also jumped on the bandwagon to make human rights demands, quote from the Geneva Conventions, and point their accusatory fingers at America's supposed mistreatment of these poor fellows.

I, too, am very concerned about mistreatment of these Taliban and al Qaeda chaps. As a matter of fact, I'm so moved by their plight, that I purpose we take up a collection for them. Maybe stage a few rallies. March on Washington. And let's ask the movie stars and recording artists to get together and do a televised concert to aid the poor, poor terrorists who are being held against their will by the nasty ol' United States government.

It sounds to me like they might need some hot shot defense lawyers to hurry down there to save them. A dream team for the terrorists. And you know who the attorneys would be. It's always the same oily guys. Dershowitz, Cochran, Bailey. Can't you see the televised circus? Dershowitz with his convoluted logic, Bailey with his phony theatrics, and Cochran with his rhyming sound bites. Just the thought of it all makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Brrrrr.

We'll need the United Nations to send inspectors down there to "oversee and monitor" the situation, too. These UN representatives will bring some sorely needed necessities for the prisoners. The items should include the things that would make the detainees feel most at home. Things like maggot-infested food, dirt, lots of sand, dirt, camel dung, dirt, and enslaved women and children. Ah--home sweet home!

Just in case some of us may have forgotten, (well, it has been 4 months since the terrorist attacks and we Americans have such short attention spans!) these are the people who want us dead. These are the people who hate anyone who isn't a fundamentalist Muslim. These are the people who are suicide bombers. These are the people who murder innocent men, women, children and babies and call it the will of the Creator. These are the people who will literally do anything to see western democracy destroyed. Remember the World Trade Center? Remember the Pentagon? Remember the three thousand dead? Remember that guy in the plane with the shoe bombs?

I've got my own ideas on how to deal with these monsters -- and in a way that they could appreciate. Let's get a bunch of jetliners -- the kind that can be operated pilot-less from the ground. I don't know how many prisoners there are in Guantanamo Bay, but send down enough of these jets to accommodate all of them. Strap them all into the planes and set the automated pilot on a course for the highest peaks in the mountains of Afghanistan. Tell them in their native languages (so they will fully understand what will happen to them) that they will be crashing into the sides of the mountains really soon. "Have fun, boys! Say hi to all the virgins in the other world for us!" "Write when you find Allah!"

See? That's MY suggestion of proper treatment for these dirt bags. Think the ICRC will go for it? I don't know why they wouldn't -- as far as I can tell, this would be "fair and just" treatment in the truest sense of the words.

JWR contributor Greg Crosby, former creative head for Walt Disney publications, has written thousands of comics, hundreds of children's books, dozens of essays, and a letter to his congressman. A freelance writer in Southern California, you may contact him by clicking here.

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© 2001 Greg Crosby