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Jewish World Review March 24, 2000 /17 Adar II, 5760

Ann Coulter

Ann Coulter
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Net losses all around -- DOWN AT MCCAIN HEADQUARTERS in the editorial offices of The New York Times, they're in a state of hysteria over this question: How is George Bush going to mend fences with John McCain?

Of course, they are also in a frenzy of excitement over every other possible aspect of John McCain. The reading public is subjected to daily updates on how John McCain's Senate colleagues are reacting to his return, would John McCain consider a third-party run, whether Bush could persuade John McCain to be his vice presidential candidate, and how is John McCain feeling today?

But as George Bush said -- in response to urgent inquiries by the Times on the state of relations between the Bush and McCain camps -- if McCain was so popular, how come he lost?

I'd give you Bush's exact quote, except this week I'm writing from New York City, where I have no Internet service because Time Warner supplies this building.

To give you the state of mind of the average New Yorker about Time Warner, in an interview with Kerry Lauerman in, Fran Lebowitz was telling him about all the ballot boxes being broken when she went to vote in the New York primary a few weeks ago. They had been broken all day and, in fact, were delivered to the precincts broken. Lebowitz said, "I don't know who is responsible for it -- I suspect it's Time Warner Cable ..."

The computer I usually use when I am in New York is in a building that touts itself as having "high-speed Internet access." Someone neglected to mention that this service will be allegedly provided by Time Warner, a company that would be hard-pressed to supply water in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. For several months, Time Warner couldn't even supply a phone line, without random disconnections every 60 seconds, so there was precisely NO Internet access, even over a Pony Express telephone line.

Finally, and with great fanfare, the fabulous "Roadrunner" cable Internet access line was installed about three weeks ago. And it was truly fabulous ... for the whole two weeks it worked. Now it's been down for a week, and all they'll tell us at Time Warner -- for seven days now -- is that they are "working on it" and expect it to be running again "shortly."

Also thanks to the geniuses at Time Warner, it now takes fewer steps to launch a cruise missile than to tape a TV show in New York City. While VCRs are becoming easier and easier to use in places like Calcutta, New Yorkers still can't watch one channel while taping another.

David Letterman keeps talking about the cable company supplying his new Westchester County home, which he calls the "We Couldn't Suck More Cable Company." Unless it is also known as "Time Warner," the company should change its name to "We Could Suck More Only If We Were Time Warner Cable Company."

But I digress.

Getting back to the presidential campaign and using only data sitting right in front of me in hard copy: A couple of days ago, a writer on The New York Times op-ed page quoted a female voter in South Carolina who was very angry at Bush. So angry (and so determined to have someone at The New York Times quote her), that she huffed she was going to vote for McCain instead.

It seems Bush does not have a plan for how to raise College Board scores in South Carolina once he becomes president of the United States. (He also doesn't have a plan for improving the quality of bagels in Washington, D.C., and I am none too happy about that, either.)

Anyway, in response to the South Carolinian female with a dim concept of the role of the president in a constitutional republic, Bush apparently had this eminently rational response: "Write your governor." As Bush has had to point out on more than one occasion, he is running for president, not national superintendent of schools.

I'm all with him on that, but if what we, the moron voters, are supposed to be looking for in a president is a guy who will promise to be the Wizard of Oz and solve all our problems, I'm more interested in a presidential candidate who would pledge to take control of Internet access in New York City. Even the federal government couldn't be worse than Time Warner. Even the Census Bureau couldn't be worse. I'd love to hear what the presidential candidates have to say on this pressing issue, but I'm moving to Calcutta so I can get back on the Internet.

JWR contributor Ann Coulter is the author of High Crimes and Misdemeanors: The Case Against Bill Clinton.


03/20/00: To protect, serve --- and be spat on
03/16/00: Thank Heaven for the consigliere
03/13/00: Vast concoctions II
03/09/00: The bluebloods voted against you
03/07/00: The Tower of Babble
03/03/00: Vast concoction
03/02/00: Hillary's sartorial lies
02/28/00: You have to break a few eggs to make a joke
02/22/00: I've seen enough killing to support abortion
02/18/00: A liberal lynching
02/15/00: McCain and the flag
02/11/00: The Shakedown Express
02/08/00: To mock a mockingbird
02/05/00: Summing up Campaign 2000: 'Oh, puh-leeze!'
02/01/00: A Confederacy of Dunces
01/28/00: Dollar Bill's racist smear
01/24/00: How high is your freedom quotient?
01/21/00: Numismadness
01/18/00: How dare you attack my wife!
01/14/00: The Gore Buggernaut
01/10/00: The paradox of discrimination law

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