JWR Schticks and groans

In this issue

Jonathan Tobin: Defending the Right to a Jewish State

Heather Hale: Compliment your kids without giving them big heads

Megan Shauri: 10 ways you are ruining your own happiness

Carolyn Bigda: 8 Best Dividend Stocks for 2015

Kiplinger's Personal Finance editors: 7 Things You Didn't Know About Paying Off Student Loans

Samantha Olson: The Crucial Mistake 55% Of Parents Are Making At Their Baby's Bedtime

Densie Well, Ph.D., R.D. Open your eyes to yellow vegetables

The Kosher Gourmet by Megan Gordon With its colorful cache of purples and oranges and reds, COLLARD GREEN SLAW is a marvelous mood booster --- not to mention just downright delish
April 18, 2014

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Clarifying one of the greatest philosophical conundrums in theology

Caroline B. Glick: The disappearance of US will

Megan Wallgren: 10 things I've learned from my teenagers

Lizette Borreli: Green Tea Boosts Brain Power, May Help Treat Dementia

John Ericson: Trying hard to be 'positive' but never succeeding? Blame Your Brain

The Kosher Gourmet by Julie Rothman Almondy, flourless torta del re (Italian king's cake), has royal roots, is simple to make, . . . but devour it because it's simply delicious

April 14, 2014

Rabbi Dr Naftali Brawer: Passover frees us from the tyranny of time

Greg Crosby: Passing Over Religion

Eric Schulzke: First degree: How America really recovered from a murder epidemic

Georgia Lee: When love is not enough: Teaching your kids about the realities of adult relationships

Cameron Huddleston: Freebies for Your Lawn and Garden

Gordon Pape: How you can tell if your financial adviser is setting you up for potential ruin

Dana Dovey: Up to 500,000 people die each year from hepatitis C-related liver disease. New Treatment Has Over 90% Success Rate

Justin Caba: Eating Watermelon Can Help Control High Blood Pressure

The Kosher Gourmet by Joshua E. London and Lou Marmon Don't dare pass over these Pesach picks for Manischewitz!

April 11, 2014

Rabbi Hillel Goldberg: Silence is much more than golden

Caroline B. Glick: Forgetting freedom at Passover

Susan Swann: How to value a child for who he is, not just what he does

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Financial Tasks You Should Tackle Right Now

Sandra Block and Lisa Gerstner: How to Profit From Your Passion

Susan Scutti: A Simple Blood Test Might Soon Diagnose Cancer

Chris Weller: Have A Slow Metabolism? Let Science Speed It Up For You

The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington Whitefish Terrine: A French take on gefilte fish

April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review Nov. 8, 2004 / 25 Mar-Cheshvan, 5765

The Monty Python Dead Parrot Sketch with Minor Corrections

By Steven Plaut

OK, OK, it's bad form to celebrate an enemy's downfall. But cut us some slack. The man was a mass murderer

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https://www.jewishworldreview.com | Abu Mazen: Hello, I wish to register a complaint . . . Hello? Miss?

Suha: What do you mean, miss?

Abu Mazen: Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint.

Suha: Sorry, we're closing for lunch. I need to shop in Paris for 400 new shoes.

Abu Mazen: Never mind that my lad, I wish to complain about this Rais what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique. You promised me a live terrorist!

Suha: Oh yes, the Jihad Green one. What's wrong with it?

Abu Mazen: I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.

Suha: No, no it's resting, look!

Abu Mazen: Look my lad, I know a dead terrorist when I see one and I'm looking at one right now.

Suha: No, no sir, it's not dead. It's resting.

Abu Mazen: Resting?

Suha: Yeah, remarkable bird the Jihad Green, beautiful plumage, innit?

Abu Mazen: The plumage don't enter into it -- it's stone dead.

Suha: No, no -- it's just resting.

Abu Mazen: All right then, if it's resting I'll wake it up. (shouts into cage) Hello Abu Amar! I've got a nice cuttlefish for you when you wake up, Abu Amar!

Suha: (Jogging cage) There it moved.

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Abu Mazen: No he didn't. That was you pushing the cage.

Suha: I did not.

Abu Mazen: Yes, you did. (takes terrorist out of cage, shouts) Hello Abu Abu (bangs it against counter) Polly Abu, wake up. Abu (throws it in the air and lets it fall to the floor) Now that's what I call a dead terrorist.

Suha: No, no it's stunned.

Abu Mazen: Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this. That terrorist is definitely deceased. And when I bought it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long squawk.

Suha: It's probably pining for the fjords.

Abu Mazen: Pining for the fjords, what kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?

Suha: The Jihad Green prefers kipping on its back. Beautiful bird, lovely plumage.

Abu Mazen: Look, I took the liberty of examining that terrorist, and I discovered that the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been nailed there.

Suha: Well of course it was nailed there. Otherwise it would muscle up to those bars and voom.

Abu Mazen: Look matey (picks up parrot) this terrorist wouldn't voom if I put four thousand volts through it. It's bleeding demised.

Suha: It's not, it's pining.

Abu Mazen: It's not pining, it's passed on. This terrorist is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot.

Suha: Well, I'd better replace it then.

Abu Mazen: (to camera) If you want to get anything done in this country you've got to complain till you're blue in the mouth.

Suha: Sorry guv, we're right out of chief terrorists.

Abu Mazen: I see. I see. I get the picture.

Suha: I've got a slug.

Abu Mazen: Does it talk?

Suha: Not really, no.

Abu Mazen: Well, it's scarcely a replacement, then is it?

Suha: Listen, I'll tell you what, (handing over a card) tell you what, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton he'll replace your terrorist for you.

Abu Mazen: Bolton eh?

Suha: Yeah.

Abu Mazen: All right.

Suha: Look, what do you want?

Abu Mazen: No I'm sorry, I'm not prepared to pursue my line of enquiry any further as I think this is getting too silly.

Colonel: (Coming in) Quite agree. Quite agree. Silly. Silly . . . silly.

Right get on with it. Get on with it.

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in Washington and in the media consider "must reading." Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

JewishWorldReview.com contributor Steven Plaut is professor of business administration at the Graduate School of Business, University of Haifa. He also teaches in Greece, California, and Hungary, and has a Ph.D. from Princeton University in Economics. A Native-born Philadelphian, he has lived in Israel since 1981. Comment by clicking here.

© 2004, Steven Plaut