Clicking on banner ads enables JWR to constantly improve
Jewish World Review Oct. 4, 2002 / 28 Tishrei, 5763

Tom Purcell

JWR's Pundits
World Editorial
Cartoon Showcase

Mallard Fillmore

Mona Charen
Linda Chavez
Ann Coulter
Greg Crosby
Larry Elder
Don Feder
Suzanne Fields
James Glassman
Paul Greenberg
Bob Greene
Betsy Hart
Nat Hentoff
David Horowitz
Marianne Jennings
Michael Kelly
Mort Kondracke
Ch. Krauthammer
Lawrence Kudlow
Dr. Laura
John Leo
David Limbaugh
Michelle Malkin
Jackie Mason
Chris Matthews
Michael Medved
Kathleen Parker
Wes Pruden
Sam Schulman
Amity Shlaes
Roger Simon
Tony Snow
Thomas Sowell
Cal Thomas
Jonathan S. Tobin
Ben Wattenberg
George Will
Bruce Williams
Walter Williams
Mort Zuckerman

Consumer Reports

Bush's Angels | Martha Stewart, Barbra Streisand and Hillary Clinton were hand-picked by the Bush Administration to carry out an important mission: assassinate Saddam Hussein. Their code name: Bush's Angels.

"Angels, here's the plan," said the President. "Saddam knows Democrats are standing in my way and you three represent the heart of the Democratic Party. I want you to play up your dislike of my plans."

"Mr. President?" said Stewart.

"Martha, you'll help Saddam redecorate his palaces. Make him believe you're helping him in order to get back at Republicans who are investigating you for insider trading."

"Very clever, Mr. President."

"Barbra, you'll play the emotional Hollywood liberal. You'll sing songs that attack Republicans."

"Piece of cake, Mr. President.

"What about me?" said Hillary.

"You're our ace in the hole, Hillary. While Martha and Barbra use their skills to distract Saddam, you'll give him the same line many Democrats are spouting. Then we want you to do to him what you have long wanted to do to your husband."

"Can I use a lamp?" said Hillary.

"Absolutely," said the president.

Bush's Angels boarded the next flight to Baghdad and were soon in the presence of the infamous Saddam.

"Ladies, come relax in Saddam's most elaborate palace."

"You call this a palace?" said Stewart. "Who did you hire to decorate this gaudy place? Cher?"

"Ah, Martha Stewart will make Saddam's palace beautiful!"

"Mem'ries, light the corners of my mind... Misty water-colored memories...Of the way we were."

"Ah, Barbra has come to sing for Saddam!"

"And I come to you as a concerned American," said Hillary. "Our president is a crazy cowboy. He is politicizing a war with you so he can hold the House and take over the Senate in the mid-term elections."

"Ah, Saddam is succeeding in dividing America!"

"Look, Saddam, none of the colors in your rugs, draperies or wall hangings are in sync with your complexion," said Stewart. "You're a winter, for Heaven's sakes!"

"Please, Martha Stewart, make Saddam pretty!"

"Scattered pictures of the Democratic House we left behind... Lovely Democratic memories, of the way we were."

"And Saddam miss Bill Clinton, too, Barbra!"

"Saddam, the last thing Americans want is war," said Hillary. "We didn't fight in the streets of Baghdad last time. So many people will die needlessly."

"Just as Saddam suspected. America has no guts to come into Baghdad! Saddam can keep building and hiding bombs!"

"And what's with the pink flower pots!" said Stewart. "You're a dictator, for Heaven's sakes. You're not Liberace!"

"But Saddam likes pink."

"Can it be that it was all so simple then... Or has time rewritten every line... If we had the chance to do it all again... Tell me, would we... Could we..."

"Funny, Barbra, George Bush Sr. still sing that song about Saddam!"

"Saddam, we Democrats don't trust our own Republican president but we're willing to take you at your word. Sure, you attacked your own people with poison gas, but you had such a difficult childhood. If only you were raised by a village."

"Hillary make Saddam sad."

"If only he had some taste!" said Stewart. "I need a couple of billion dollars to make this palace worthy of a dictator."

"Mem'ries, may be beautiful and yet... What's too painful to remember... We simply choose to forget..."

"Funny, Barbra, America still sing that song about Bill Clinton."

"Saddam, did anyone ever tell you you are much nicer in person than you appear on television?" said Hillary.

"Saddam is just a cute little puppy dog!"

"He is much more handsome than I expected," said Stewart. "All he needs is a new palace and a makeover."

"He brings us laughter... And we'll remember... Whenever we remember... The way we were..."

"Barbra, you're singing make Saddam teary-eyed."

"Saddam, maybe all you really need is a big, fat hug," said Hillary.

Suddenly all three Bush's Angels held Saddam in full embrace. It was clear Hillary no longer mustered the will to do to Saddam what she'd like to do to her husband.

"Saddam will always remember this day with Martha, Barbra and Hillary! Democrats are so nice!"

"The president is not going to be happy about this," Hillary whispered to the other Angels.

"What does the president know about anything?" said Stewart. "Last week I saw him in a brown suit and a BLUE tie."

Enjoy this writer's work? Why not sign-up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

Comment on JWR Contributor Tom Purcell's column, by clicking here.


09/27/02: Conservatives, Liberals, Dick Armey and Barry Manilow
09/20/02: Are SUV drivers are the new GOPers?
09/13/02: Bubba is Dubya's man
09/06/02: The Freedom to Picnic
08/16/02: Ah, the $izzle of anti-terrorist pork
08/09/02: Vacationless prez and gutless Americans
07/26/02: Study gives women permission not to hide their emotions
07/15/02: Patriot food
06/28/02: Eavesdropping on a San Fran classroom
06/21/02: The crowded skies
06/14/02: Contemporary Father's Day: A conversation for the ages
06/07/02: Legal rights for animals?
05/19/02: Advice for prom goers this year: Hold onto your money
05/10/02: Don't take her for granted
05/03/02: Letter to the parents of a tubby teen
04/26/02: Zacarias Moussaoui gets expert legal advice

© 2002, Tom Purcell