When one spouse becomes more religious than the other; "But the cleaning lady is part of the family!"; Why He invented 9-month gestation periods
By Wendy Belzberg
http://www.jewishworldreview.com --
My wife and I were both raised in Jewish homes but were "High Holy Day" Jews,
at best. Over the past several years I have become more committed. I asked my
wife to keep a kosher home, and she has agreed. But I have also begun to
observe Shabbat, go to minyan (formal prayers) everyday and study weekly with our rabbi. We
seem to be moving in different directions and I feel as though our marriage
is coming apart.
You are the one who has driven off in a different direction. Your wife has
every good reason to be suffering from whiplash. Factor in that you can
claim G-d on your side and that doesn't leave her much wiggle room.
The month of Elul is a time of reflection, repentance and return (t'shuva).
Will you accept nothing less than your wife following on your journey, or can
you accept her the way she is, the way she was when you married her? If you
don't accept her as is, you deprive her of something even G-d would not:
Freedom of choice. She may or may not come to be more observant but it is a
sign of her love and respect for you that she agreed to keep a kosher home.
Show her the same respect, and your marriage has a chance. Leave the door
open and she may follow you; drag her behind and you will not only poison
your marriage, but your children's feelings about Judaism as well. Tread
carefully.
* * *
Do you often pay family members to mop your floors and scrub your toilets?
Brace yourself for the possibility that your cleaning woman's definition of
family is not the same as yours.
Sit down with her and have a candid conversation. Given your feelings toward
her, I assume you would be willing to forgive her and help her out if she
required financial assistance. If you are, tell her so before you broach the
topic of the missing money. If you know this woman as well as you think you
do, it shouldn't take long to get to the point: did she or didn't she? What
you can't do is continue both to employ and suspect her. If you keep her and
she doesn't fess up, you will live like a prisoner in your own home.
* * *
As my highly controlled, scientific studies have proven over and over again:
"A son is a son 'til he marries a wife. A daughter's a daughter for the rest
of her life."
A daughter myself, I recognize that your wife would prefer to spend both days
of Rosh Hashanah with her parents. But that isn't real
life. Compromises and accommodations are called for in every marriage and if
you don't call for them now, you will lose what little leverage you may have.
Insist on splitting the days, and don't bend on this one. By the way, the
bond between your wife and her family will only grow stronger after the baby
is born; miss no opportunity to remind her that the baby will have 2 sets of
grandparents.
This is why G-d invented 9-month gestation periods. With luck and training,
you can help your wife grow up a little before she has a child of her
-- Keeping the Faith
-- In Denial
-- Split personality
08/21/00:'Fessing up to granny about abandoning one's people, non-kosher sis-in-law, and 'my niece is marrying a loser'
08/14/00: Marrying 'in' for questionable motivations; Should a do-gooder be reimbursed?
08/07/00: Communing with the clouds, betrothal, and banishing bosses
07/28/00: Small-city guys, self-centered siblings
07/21/00: When a child takes religion seriously, marriage obsession, and guests who just don't get it
07/14/00: Divorcing brother-in-law, uncampy kids, and a dot.comer who makes it big time
07/07/00: Hypocrites, reality checks, and the 'real estate challenged'