In this issue

Jonathan Tobin: Defending the Right to a Jewish State

Heather Hale: Compliment your kids without giving them big heads

Megan Shauri: 10 ways you are ruining your own happiness

Carolyn Bigda: 8 Best Dividend Stocks for 2015

Kiplinger's Personal Finance editors: 7 Things You Didn't Know About Paying Off Student Loans

Samantha Olson: The Crucial Mistake 55% Of Parents Are Making At Their Baby's Bedtime

Densie Well, Ph.D., R.D. Open your eyes to yellow vegetables

The Kosher Gourmet by Megan Gordon With its colorful cache of purples and oranges and reds, COLLARD GREEN SLAW is a marvelous mood booster --- not to mention just downright delish
April 18, 2014

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Clarifying one of the greatest philosophical conundrums in theology

Caroline B. Glick: The disappearance of US will

Megan Wallgren: 10 things I've learned from my teenagers

Lizette Borreli: Green Tea Boosts Brain Power, May Help Treat Dementia

John Ericson: Trying hard to be 'positive' but never succeeding? Blame Your Brain

The Kosher Gourmet by Julie Rothman Almondy, flourless torta del re (Italian king's cake), has royal roots, is simple to make, . . . but devour it because it's simply delicious

April 14, 2014

Rabbi Dr Naftali Brawer: Passover frees us from the tyranny of time

Greg Crosby: Passing Over Religion

Eric Schulzke: First degree: How America really recovered from a murder epidemic

Georgia Lee: When love is not enough: Teaching your kids about the realities of adult relationships

Cameron Huddleston: Freebies for Your Lawn and Garden

Gordon Pape: How you can tell if your financial adviser is setting you up for potential ruin

Dana Dovey: Up to 500,000 people die each year from hepatitis C-related liver disease. New Treatment Has Over 90% Success Rate

Justin Caba: Eating Watermelon Can Help Control High Blood Pressure

The Kosher Gourmet by Joshua E. London and Lou Marmon Don't dare pass over these Pesach picks for Manischewitz!

April 11, 2014

Rabbi Hillel Goldberg: Silence is much more than golden

Caroline B. Glick: Forgetting freedom at Passover

Susan Swann: How to value a child for who he is, not just what he does

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Financial Tasks You Should Tackle Right Now

Sandra Block and Lisa Gerstner: How to Profit From Your Passion

Susan Scutti: A Simple Blood Test Might Soon Diagnose Cancer

Chris Weller: Have A Slow Metabolism? Let Science Speed It Up For You

The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington Whitefish Terrine: A French take on gefilte fish

April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review August 25, 2006 / 1 Elul, 5766

Pregnant With Humor

By Gene Weingarten

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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | This just in:

Dr. Shevach Friedler of Assaf Harofeh Medical Center in Israel last week presented findings at a medical conference in Prague suggesting that efforts to impregnate a woman artificially are considerably more successful if she is amused. Friedler cited an experiment at his fertility clinic, in which patients who were entertained by a clown during their procedure were substantially more likely to become pregnant than those who were not entertained by the clown.

My first thought, of course, was: This explains my two children!

But then I realized it explains a lot more. It explains — in plain, irrefutable, Darwinian terms — why men are, by and large, buffoons. It's not our fault! It is a result of natural selection. Women who wish to most efficiently perpetuate the species are going to seek out clowns.

I decided to put this thesis to a rigorous scientific test. Consider the results of my research, and judge for yourself:

Man | Buffoon Factor | Number of Children Sired

George Washington | Zero | None

Dan Quayle | Medium high | 3

Donald Trump | Off the charts | 5 (that we know of)

So, I think my point has been scientifically established. My next question, naturally, was, "What's in it for me?" If I were a scientist, I could write a treatise on the confluence of high fertility and jerko male humor — I'd call it "On the Origin of Feces," or something. But I have no science cred, so I needed some other angle. Then it hit me, like a rhubarb pie in the face. This could be a moneymaking opportunity.

I had a proposal, but I needed to consult with a doctor who specializes in infertility and in vitro fertilization. There were dozens of them in the Washington area. I picked out the one I wanted on the basis of his name, but I was a little worried about the appropriateness of my choice. I sought another opinion.

Me: Is there something funny about a fertility specialist named "Dr. Frankfurter"?

My wife: No.

Me: Really?

My wife: Really.

Me: Well, uh, wait . . . Would it be funny to an extremely immature person?

My wife: Yes.

There you go! My theory is working already! I had my doctor, my choice was asinine, but it's not my fault!

I called Dr. David Frankfurter of the fertility center at George Washington University Hospital, and I read him the report out of Israel.

Me: I am a pretty amusing guy. I was just wondering if your practice might consider hiring me on a freelance basis to entertain women undergoing fertility treatments.

Dr. Frankfurter: You know, this is a difficult time for most couples.

Me: I know. I could help!

Dr. Frankfurter: It's a rather intimate environment. From a relaxation standpoint, there probably is room for some humorous intervention, but, as far as a stand-up comic, on-site, I don't think so. Most patients would find it inappropriate.

Me: But, see, I would do appropriate jokes. They'd be pregnancy-themed. For example, why did the pregnant woman cross the road?

Dr. Frankfurter: To get a baby?

Me: No, to get a yummy ice cream, anchovy and sausage milkshake on the other side!

Dr. Frankfurter:

Me: Okay, I've got another one. Why is pregnancy like me getting a pedicure?

Dr. Frankfurter: Why?

Me: Because they both involve my toesies!

Dr. Frankfurter:

Me: My . . . toesies! Mitosis, see?

Dr. Frankfurter: Yes, I got it. Very cute.

Me: What do you think?

Dr. Frankfurter: I'm afraid it's not going to work.

I hung up, disappointed. But, just a few seconds later, Dr. Frankfurter called back. "I have to say, you've sparked an area of interest," he said. "It may not be a bad idea to get people to laugh."

Initially, that made me feel better. But then I started to feel like Alfred Russel Wallace. Never heard of him? That's the point. He was the guy who came up with a theory of evolution by natural selection, right around the same time Charles Darwin did. But Darwin got all the credit, because Darwin published first.

Just you watch — Doc Frankfurter's gonna run with this thing — but he's gonna hire some other clown.

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

Gene Weingarten writes the Below the Beltway humor column for The Washington Post. To comment, please click here.


© 2006 WPWG