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Jewish World Review August 8, 2005 / 3 Menachem-Av, 5765 What the beep, it's midnight! By Lenore Skenazy
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Things that go bump in the night are no big deal. But things that go BEEP in the night? That's another story. "Once upon a time there was a battery-operated appliance that woke up in the middle of the night . . ."
For all the convenience that cell phones, computers and cheap tchotchkes have brought to our lives, are they really worth the nights of sleep their elusive beeps have deprived us of? The answer at 3 a.m., arms deep in the closet, trying to figure out which of any 11 electronic items could be emitting that infuriating squeak, is abso-beeping-lutely not. The other night when mysterious beeping shook my snooze to the core, I oh-so-stealthily tried to strangle our digital camera, walkie-talkies, new cell phones and, worse, old cell phones (zombies that come back to life at night only to buzz the living). I also set out to seek and destroy all those impossible-to-program digital watches that disappeared into the cushions long ago. Also the DVD player, computer, microwave — jeez, I hadn't realized how disgustingly materialistic we are — and, of course, the dog.
You see, we were dog-sitting and my husband, who groggily joined the search, was convinced that the homesick pooch was pining at precise five-minute intervals. That's what sleep deprivation will do for the brain.
In any event, the frustration we endured on our midnight search for the beep was hardly unique. Bill Baker, a normally sane individual, was awakened one night by his digital barometer. It beeps when there's a sudden drop in pressure, indicating a coming storm. "At least I think that's what it beeps for," Bill admits. "I'm not exactly sure, and I have lost the instructions."
The first time it beeped — the night before an important meeting — he had no idea where the sound was coming from. When he finally figured it out, he had no idea how to turn the thing off. When he finally took out the batteries, he didn't have the sense to keep them out. Which meant that, some months later, the device went off again, again just before an important meeting.
She snapped on her light and searched the room, terrified. Next night, same thing. But the next night she found the creep.
"An abandoned Furby was in the bushes under my window."
Of course, all you smart folks reading this column probably already guessed what it was that woke us up: the smoke alarm battery dying. So common — too common. By now, you'd think all these smart devices would have the sense to point us to them so we can throw them against the wall and go back to sleep.
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JWR contributor Lenore Skenazy is a columnist for The New York Daily News. Comment by clicking here. © 2005, NY Daily News |
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