Ask Wendy

Jewish World Review May 30, 2002/ 19 Sivan 5762


Attending my ex-mother-in-law's funeral;
in search of forgiveness


By Wendy Belzberg

http://www.jewishworldreview.com | Q: Though my husband and I were divorced two years ago, I still have very fond feelings for his family. For more than a decade his parents were like my own, and they are wonderful grandparents to our two children. A few weeks ago my ex-father-in-law's sister -- of whom I was also fond -- died suddenly. I called him to express my condolences and to say that I wished to attend the funeral. My father-in-law requested that I not attend. My ex has a new girlfriend I have not met, and my former father-in-law thought it would be too awkward. What do you think?

A: It is hard to argue with the way a bereaved party feels - even if he is wrong.

A funeral is a final occasion to honor and to respect the dead. It is not the time to perpetuate family squabbles among the living. It seems to me that the real litmus test should be whether the deceased would feel comfortable having you graveside. Just because you no longer have a formal role within the family does not make your loss any less. And if you and your former father-in-law are on good enough terms for you to call him, it would seem that you should be allowed to attend. With the caveat, perhaps, that you should lay low and not choose this moment to introduce yourself to your ex's girlfriend. In an ideal world you would think we could call a cease-fire to family feuds and ill will, at least until after the shiva.

Q: Five years ago I left my home and three children for a man whom no one liked. We are now happily married. I have since tried to communicate with my children, but they will have nothing to do with me. They despise my husband; they hate me for leaving them. I have recently reconciled with my mother, and I am again on speaking terms with my brother and cousins. Just two days ago I wrote to my son asking his forgiveness, and told him how sorry I am for hurting him. He wrote saying that even though he doesn't consider me dead, he is not ready to resurrect me.

I want to be in touch with my children and grandchildren. My mother has tried to mediate but my children leave the room as soon as my name comes up. I have written to them and have had other people talk to them on my behalf. I have communicated over and over how sorry I am for what I did. I send my youngest daughter birthday gifts; I send my grandchildren gifts, cards and e-mail. I get no response. Should I just give up?

A: You have already made one tragic mistake. Don't make another.

While your behavior has been less than exemplary, everyone makes mistakes. And so I will resist the natural temptation to lead with "You should have thought about the consequences of your actions in the first place." As your children grow and mature, they too may come to understand that they are less than perfect. What they will not understand is if you are willing to give up on them a second time. Keep calling, writing and sending cards and gifts. You may never gain their forgiveness for the past, but you can gain their trust in the future by showing them that - this time - you are here to stay. If it comes, the thaw will not be on your terms or on your time frame. But time should not be a factor for a parent who wishes to reunite with a child.

One last word of advice: Stop enlisting the help of outside mediators. You made your bed --- so to speak; stop asking others to help change the linens.



Ask Wendy a question -- any question --- by clicking here.


05/21/02: Danger and duty; host of issues; desperately seeking surgery
03/20/02: Multiples for mom; partners and martyrs; I'm a gentile --- should I explore Judaism's spiritual side?
03/07/02: Disabled child taught family love, patience and compassion
02/15/02: Sisterhood on the line; Time to cross Ts on ex?
02/04/02: Clueless convert-in-training; loyal to a wife who walked out?
01/25/02: The new 'Jewish question'; unfaithful oldsters; gambling on our family's future
01/18/02: Should son invite mom to bar mitzvah - against dad's wishes?; pay-off time?; 'my son is blackmailing me'
01/10/02: Hard to move on; separation anxiety
01/04/02: Salvaging a sister; mother knows best?
12/27/01: Paying for somebody else's charity; Down(s) and out?
12/21/01: 'Brownie points' for the Creator; I love my husband, but not his family; open-door policy needs to be closed sometimes
12/05/01: 'I celebrate Chanukah you insensitive anti-Semite!'; idealism v. responsibility; stolen gifts
11/27/01: Doubts or reservations one may have about reaching out to friends and strangers alike who are in need: From the mail bag
11/16/01: Tripping out; tactics for tactlessness; Am I a hypocrite?
11/01/01: My co-religionists are proselytizing me; tragedy intruder?; meddling mama?
10/19/01: Outside world hits home; money and mommies
10/12/01: Vacation separation; Risk present for past?
09/20/01: Secular servants; Time to tie purse strings?; dog breath --- literally!
09/07/01: Too much Torah?; Name-dropping rabbi turns off worshippers
08/30/01: Jewish 'godparents'?; summer homework
08/02/01: Have wife, won't travel; 'dis' --- as in 'distant'
07/26/01: Grandparents not invited to bar mitzvah; what to do about older sister's foul mouth; nuptial narcissism
07/19/01: Bad mannered, uncouth ethnics; lookin' for love
07/05/01: Faithless Rabbi; my wife won't let me retire; I'm in relationship limbo
06/21/01: New customs for assimilated Jews?; the business of friendship; aunty is a bad role model
06/13/01: Our friends have become political traitors; Is it love?
06/06/01: Teaching kids about the Creator, when parents aren't observant; 'wonderful woman' 'fesses up about her broken engagement; How do I find a matchmaker for my 'beautiful daughter?'
05/31/01: Couple he fixed-up is in a nasty breakup; overwrought over ring
05/16/01: The gift was counterfeit; settling for the daughter; the lush and the ostrich
05/02/01: 'Jew questions' and falsifying faith; magic marker mayhem; I want kids
04/25/01: Anti-Semites everywhere?; shilling for gifts; my kid is the 'weakest link'
04/05/01: Celebrating when Passover is inconvenient; What's wrong with the name 'Melvyn,'?; Difference dilemma: Husbands and wives and Passover observance levels
03/19/01: 7-4=insensitivity?; baby showers and tempting fate; Splitsville before or after marriage?
03/12/01: Passover party-pooper; slapped by a moral dilemma
02/14/01: Human 'mutts,' getting over it, same-sex kesubas
02/08/01: Bar/bat mitzvah blues, homework he-l, from potty to potty-mouth
01/24/01: Naughty neighbor, unprofessional colleague is dead, I'm a Jew, now what?
01/15/01: Rabbis who won't; when the rules of the 'game' change; ungracious grannies
01/08/01: My kid hates Hebrew school; Stay single or abandon heritage?
01/02/01: A Jewish Grinch? Baby bigots and when grandparents call it quits
12/18/00: Babes in Chanukah Land; my husband the kvetch; bad hair marriage?
12/04/00: My niece is a no-goodnik, when lifecycle events become dangerous, Orthodox v. Reform education
11/28/00: My ex is ruining my kids' souls; the mouth that won't stop
11/21/00: Battling brothers; how to keep a nanny
11/08/00: OY VEY! my son wants to become Orthodox; kiddies should avoid family therapy
11/08/00: Rabbi v. therapist, grandparents bearing gifts, I want my son's teacher for a sister-in-law
10/24/00: Let him enlist?, 'My son the actor'? Eating with the 'help'
10/10/00:Tipsy teens, protective spouses, kosher common-sense
10/03/00: I'm not Jewish --- not that there's anything wrong with it; mezuza machlokes; when granddad has cancer
09/25/00: I can't take Rosh Hashanah! Something for nothing? My husband needs a dinner mate
09/18/00: 'My kids' Jewish education stinks', boyfriend bandit, and single mother not by choice
09/11/00: Bris brouhaha breaks my heart, LET ME SLEEP! --- and Why can't I hold a job?
09/05/00: Righteous anger, 'dissed' daughter --- and how not to make a match
08/21/00: When one spouse becomes more religious than the other; "But the cleaning lady is part of the family!"; Why He invented 9-month gestation periods
08/21/00: 'Fessing up to granny about abandoning one's people, non-kosher sis-in-law, and 'my niece is marrying a loser'
08/14/00: Marrying 'in' for questionable motivations; Should a do-gooder be reimbursed?
08/07/00: Communing with the clouds, betrothal, and banishing bosses
07/28/00: Small-city guys, self-centered siblings
07/21/00: When a child takes religion seriously, marriage obsession, and guests who just don't get it
07/14/00: Divorcing brother-in-law, uncampy kids, and a dot.comer who makes it big time
07/07/00: Hypocrites, reality checks, and the 'real estate challenged'

Up

© 2002, Wendy Belzberg