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March 29th, 2024

On Your Mind

Happiness is fleeting. What to aim for

Gregory Scott Brown, MD

By Gregory Scott Brown, MD The Washington Post

Published May 22, 2023


I recently met with a patient, a man in his late 40s with a soft smile. Minutes into our first session, I learned that his biggest fear was that decades later, he would look back and realize that he had spent his entire life - as he put it - "being sad."

"What are you hoping to get from our time together?" I asked.

"I just want to be happy," he responded.

As a psychiatrist, I think about happiness and how to achieve it. And thousands of conversations with patients who are chasing happiness have taught me that it can be a distraction from what's really necessary for a better life - fulfillment.

Happiness is fleeting

Patients often come to see me when they are unhappy with their work or personal life. Many see a period of time in their life, such as the day they got married or when they graduated from college, as their template for happiness.

"If I could just feel that way again, I would be happy," they tell me.

The problem with this approach is that happiness is an emotion, not a state of being. Emotions such as happiness and sadness aren't supposed to last. They come and go.

Seeking happiness as the ultimate goal is like running after a moving target. And we may feel even more depressed or anxious because we are setting unrealistic expectations about what is achievable.

Fulfillment is a state of being

Unlike happiness, fulfillment is a state of being. It is achieved when you accept who you are, make the most of what you have and are optimistic about the future.

I learned this lesson as a psychiatry resident almost 10 years ago. As I witnessed patients die, I noticed that despite age or diagnosis, some seemed to be more at peace than others. I wanted to understand how some people in their final weeks could still be okay.

Fulfillment seemed to be the answer. Patients who were fulfilled could reflect fondly on their life and relationships, have gratitude (sometimes that just meant being grateful for having a few hours without physical pain) and remain optimistic (in some cases, in the promise of an afterlife).

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Now, I often ask my patients to "imagine life better" and describe what their fulfilled life might look like. Usually, they realize that it's a life that is attainable.

One of my patients, a woman in her late 50s, came to see me after going through a difficult divorce. Eventually she found fulfillment - even amid a difficult transition - by focusing on what she was grateful for, such as her three adult children. She took up new hobbies and rekindled old friendships, which gave her hope about the future.

You, too, can begin to cultivate your life in a way that draws you closer to fulfillment, with a few changes.

Don't overreact to highs or lows

People who are fulfilled don't overreact to emotional highs or lows. They are able to appreciate that just as the seasons come and go, so do our emotions.

I recommend the HALT model to my patients as a way to avoid allowing their feelings to get the best of them.

Ask yourself: Am I hungry, angry, lonely or tired?

If you are any or many of those things, here are steps you can take.

Eat a nourishing meal.

Step away from the situation that's causing stress, if you can.

Practice 4-7-8 breathing: Inhale for four seconds, hold for seven seconds, exhale for eight seconds.

Go for a 10-minute walk.

Write down three things that you're grateful for.

Talk to a friend.

Do things that make you feel relaxed.

Learn to adapt

Life rarely turns out exactly as we plan, and learning to adapt is a superpower for your mental health.

Adapting doesn't mean giving up your hopes, dreams or intentions. Instead, it involves making the most of what you have right now, so you can stay focused on creating the life you want.

Some researchers have developed a test for AQ (adaptability quotient) similar to IQ that gauges how adaptable you are.

If you aren't as adaptable as you'd like, you can start by asking yourself: How willing am I to change, to learn or to make mistakes?

Adapting may require unlearning old habits so you can develop new, more helpful habits. I challenge you to approach your life with curiosity before judgment. You may learn valuable lessons about yourself and the people around you.

Develop meaningful relationships

The Harvard Study of Adult Development showed that quality relationships are important for well-being. This comes at a time when loneliness feels like it's more common than ever.

Consider your relationships not only an investment in your mental health, but also an opportunity to bring you closer to fulfillment. Common interest meetups, group therapy and religious organizations are great ways to form meaningful connections.

When you meet someone new, ask them how they're doing and actively listen by affirming your understanding of what they told you. It's an easy first step in planting the seeds for a long-lasting friendship.

Try not to regret

We all have aspects of our past we would change if we could, but living with regret isn't helpful for mental health. One study shows that people who are fulfilled choose not to live with deep regret.

This means accepting that although you can't change your past, you can change the way you think about it.

Ask yourself what lessons you have learned from past experiences. These lessons can teach you how to avoid the same mistakes. In some cases, living without regret can allow you to find gratitude for those lessons.

Many of us could use more happiness in our lives, but as psychiatrist and author Victor Frankl wrote, "Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue."

Instead of searching for happiness, shift your attention toward finding fulfillment. It may bring you closer to living a better life and experiencing more happiness along the way.

Gregory Scott Brown is a psychiatrist, mental health writer and author of "The Self-Healing Mind: An Essential Five-Step Practice for Overcoming Anxiety and Depression, and Revitalizing Your Life."

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