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Jewish World Review
August 2, 2004
/ 15 Menachem-Av 5764
New book teaches you how to beat the %^ out of a suspected terrorist
By David Grimes
Just in time for air travelers who may have started to relax a little bit comes a new book suggesting ways that passengers can beat up a suspected terrorist.
An airline pilot, a SWAT team commander and a police instructor joined in writing "Never Again: A Self-Defense Guide for the Flying Public."
Some of the self-defense techniques discussed in the book include elbow chops, punches to the throat, lip pulls and kicks to the groin.
If the bad guy is still breathing after that punishment, you can whack him in the head with a soda can, which the authors describe as an "effective short-range missile." And, proving that I was wrong all along about the usefulness of neckwear, a tie is said to make an excellent wrist restraint.
|ALL KIDDING ASIDE... |
this book has received some pretty decent reviews from airline professionals. Click HERE to purchase. Sales help fund JWR.
My stance on terrorists hasn't changed since 9/11. If a terrorist attempts to seize control of the jumbo jet in which I am riding, I am totally in favor of doing whatever is necessary to hasten his reunion with the 72 dark-eyed virgins awaiting him in heaven, as long as I don't have to go there with him. (I'm quite shy around large groups of attractive women.)
But since airline regulations don't let you take anything aboard that is more lethal than a wad of soggy Kleenex, it was unclear to me how, exactly, we were supposed to gain the upper hand on a crazed martyr-in-training hopping around the plane in smoking shoes.
The answer, apparently, is to unleash the kind of mayhem on him that would make the Three Stooges look like pacifists. (The book review that I read did not mention anything about twisting the bad guy's nose with a pipe wrench or running a saw across his head; perhaps those techniques will be covered in volume two.)
My worry is that people are tense and jittery enough on airlines these days without throwing some kung-fu moves into the mix. Using a complicated formula based on the comprehensiveness of the strip-search at check-in, plus the number of crying babies, plus the concentration of SARS viruses in the plane's air-conditioning system multiplied by the number of double-Scotches consumed and you have a situation where the line between a terrorist and a mouthy insurance salesman could become rather blurry.
With people itching to try out the self-defense techniques mentioned in "Never Again," you definitely want to watch what you say to your fellow passengers.
"So! How about those weapons of mass destruction!" is a comment that is likely to earn you a Diet Coke right between the eyes.
Say, "Anybody got a light? My Nike just went out" and you pretty much deserve whatever you get.
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JWR contributor David Grimes is a columnist for The Sarasota Herald Tribune. Comment by clicking here.
© 2004, Sarasota Herald Tribune