In this issue
April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review April 24, 2007 / 6 Iyar, 5767


By Michael Graham

Printer Friendly Version
Email this article

http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | "I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting...I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required." — Musician/climatologist Sheryl Crow.

Dear Gaia, Mother Earth, Giver of All Life,

I'm sorry. I had no idea.

There I was, in the bathroom rolling out the Charmin like it was going out of style, and all the time I was killing you. And I didn't even know it.

To be honest, until I heard environmental expert Sheryl Crow speak out on the subject, it had never dawned on me to "count the squares." When I think "destroying the Earth," I think giant meteors, solar flares, or maybe a tear in the space-time continuum if Rosie O'Donnell and Michael Moore ever mated. But toilet paper?

Who knew that the future of the entire planet would come down to the question "one ply or two?"

I didn't think. I didn't care. Not like Sheryl does.

(By the way, Earth Mother, do you happen to know if Sheryl is one of those rock stars who throws her underwear into the crowd? Yikes.)

Me, I'm the insensitive oaf who ignores the paper-free electric hand dryer in public bathrooms and goes straight for the waste-creating paper towels. (If there are no paper towels, I rely on my environmentally-friendly trouser seat.)

If the paper towels are secured inside one of those motion-sensing "one towel at a time" dispensers, I'll stand there waving frantically for minutes at the time to get two, three, four environment-destroying sheets and…killing the earth!

Of course, Earth Mother, the electric hand dryer runs on electricity (duh!), and that electricity comes from burning coal, but what does that prove? After all, the Prius runs on electricity, and every Earth Mother worshipper drives one of those.

(Except, technically speaking, Sheryl Crow. According to her performance contract, every "Stop Global Warming" concert includes 6 cars, 4 buses and 3 tractor trailers.)

Driving a Prius proves we love you, Mother Earth, because it shows we're willing to spend an extra $6,000 to get the same gas mileage we'd get from a regular Toyota Corolla, while simultaneously creating more pollution.

Not to burst any bubbles here, Ma, but because hybrids are so much more complex to make and use more exotic materials, far more coal is burned to make a Prius than a Camry, an Accord or even a Jeep Commander. Plus, according to Consumer Reports, the average hybrid actually gets around 30 miles per gallon—about the same as my unimpressive, unloved, "nobody will drive it to the Oscars®" VW.

And as for emissions, auto expert Art Spinella of CNW Marketing Research points out that while Americans driving hybrids might reduce emissions here, they increase pollution in Asia where the cars are made. "In effect, [hybrids] are exporting pollution and energy consumption."

Would Sheryl Crow do all that if she didn't really, really love you?

Sheryl is also big on recycling. I'm not. I just throw everything in a landfill where it sits and rots, sometimes creating methane gas which can then be captured and used to create electricity.

If I recycled, I could pay higher taxes (recycling is far more expensive than regular trash collection) to have my old beer bottles driven across country in a diesel truck, dropped off at a energy-guzzling factory and converted—thanks to gazillions of megawatts of coal-powered electricity—into new beer bottles.

That's what I would do for you, Mother Gaia, if I really cared.

Instead I buy my gas and pay gas taxes. I air condition my home and pay utility taxes. And—yes, I must confess it—I wipe my butt. With toilet paper. Lots of it.

Would it help if I told you the gas I buy has ethanol in it? Probably not, given the fact that, as Cornell University biologist David Pimentel found, we use more energy making a gallon of ethanol than we get back out of it.

But buying ethanol is something. Sure, it's a useless gesture, a meaningless effort that accomplishes nothing for you, Mother Earth. But it makes me feel better about myself.

If that really any different than Sheryl Crow counting squares of toilet paper in a bathroom stall?

I may be not the environmentalist she is, but at least nobody thinks twice before shaking my hand.

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

JWR contributor Michael Graham is a talk show host at 96.9 FM TALK in Boston and author of the highly acclaimed "Redneck Nation: How the South Really Won the War." To comment, please click here.


© 2006, Michael Graham