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Jewish World Review Feb. 5, 2008 / 29 Shevat 5768 Blacker Like Me: an Open Letter to the American People from Bill Clinton By Julia Gorin
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
It’s time to settle this race thing, and put an end to the black-on-black campaign violence we’ve all been enduring. Now, many of you have been downright gleeful over the seeming poetic justice of Hillary and me running against a “real” black man. And you can sit there with those little smirks on your faces, but I am here to tell you that Barack Obama isn’t any blacker than I am -- and that even if he does get elected, he can only ever be the second black president.
First of all, genetically speaking, Mr. Obama is only half-black. In fact, since his father was black and his mother was white, according to Jewish law, he’s white. (That goes for you too, Halle Berry.) Now that we’ve established that, allow me to explain how, based on the common features of blackness as outlined by Ms. Toni Morrison in 1998, I am in fact blacker than Mr. Obama -- and indeed “blacker than any actual black person who could ever be elected in our children's lifetime,” as Ms. Morrison waxed in her once wise way, before she decided to support the less black candidate this election. (What happened, Toni -- did your kids die already?) And make no mistake about it: Hillary is black, lest you think me a self-loathing brother who married a white woman.
Before dementia took her mind and vision, Ms. Morrison wrote that I display “almost every trope of blackness: single-parent household, born poor, working-class, saxophone-playing, McDonald’s-and-junk-food-loving boy from Arkansas.”
I’ll give Mr. Obama props for being raised mostly by his mother, as I was, but let me ask you: Was he poor? Uh-uh. Does he play saxophone? Not that I’ve heard. And when was the last time you saw him scarfing down a Big Mac? Didn’t think so. I, on the other hand, play the saxophone, grew up poor, eat Mickey D’s, and use the n-word from time to time.
If you want more proof, just listen to what Barack Obama says about white people in his own memoir: “None of our white friends [at school in Hawaii] treated us any differently than they treated each other. They loved us, and we loved them back.” Now I ask you, does that sound like the black experience to you? The man LOVES white people! In contrast, Hillary and I hate white people. You should be wary of African-Americans who don't spew anti-white rhetoric like Hillary and I do.
Mr. Obama’s black creds are sorely lacking. For example, Mr. Obama was born to an African rather than an African-American, so there’s virtually no chance that he is descended from slaves -- whereas certain of my children are.
And don’t go judging me by my recent snooze on Martin Luther King Day. I happen to be an equal-opportunity snoozer; don’t forget Hillary and I were caught sleeping together at President Reagan’s funeral. Besides, Reverend King would have wanted me to restore my energy so I could continue the important work he started.
In contrast, the lily-white Barack Obama recently made a truly offensive racial remark at the South Carolina debate when he answered a question about whether I was the first black president or not. He said, and I quote: “I would have to investigate more Bill’s dancing abilities…before I accurately judged whether he was in fact a ‘brother.’” My fellow Americans, what Barack Obama said, essentially, was, “Tap dance for me, Bill.” As a black man, I find that very offensive. I’ll bet you all thought that was pretty funny about a man who isn’t really black, but let’s see how it plays when you find out Obama isn’t either. Does he strike you as someone who can bust a move? I rest my case.
Even the conservative-conspiracist National Review got it right when a writer named Joseph Abrams wrote that Obama fails the Morrison “litmus test, lacking…poverty, drudgery, and toil. Obama, who has thrived in ‘the system’…has led a charmed life…in his public experience in America. Obama has not suffered the indignities of racism...”
I, on the other hand, did suffer the indignities, wrote Mr. Abrams: “Morrison postulated that black men identified with Clinton [that’s me] most as a victim, the helpless prey of a corrupt system…She identified Clinton’s prosecution as a ‘lynching,’ even a ‘crucifixion.’”
Now I ask you: Has Mr. Obama been lynched? Has he been crucified? As Mr. Abrams sums up almost as well as I could, “Obama is not radical enough, nor miserable enough, nor angry enough…he has embraced the system rather than attacking it…The embrace of Obama is an embrace of his success, a rejection of the failures that Sharpton and Jackson represent and feed on.”
Is that really what you want from a black president? I thought Hillary and I demonstrated pretty clearly what a black presidency should be. My fellow Americans, not only did you already have an authentic black president in the White House, you as good as had Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson.
There’s been some talk about how Mr. Obama’s candidacy is the embodiment of that which Hillary and I have been working toward our whole lives -- an electable black presidential candidate -- and that we’re actually standing in the way of the fulfillment of Dr. King’s dream. This could not be further from the truth. Of course we mean what we preach. Of course we want to see a president who at least looks blacker than we do. But not while WE’RE running, Negro! Earth to Obama: your timing is off. I mean, is this the thanks we get? My goodness, Hillary -- we’ve created a monster!
I also need to address all these JFK-Obama comparisons flying around. I know that Jack Kennedy’s family recently announced their support for Mr. Obama’s candidacy -- if you consider that screw-up Ted “family” -- and that’s OK. But that little dingbat Caroline actually wrote in The New York Times that Obama reminds her of her father. Give. Me. A. Break. Investors Business Daily sure didn’t buy it. Last week their editorial page was quick to point out the contrasts, rephrasing that famous line: “We knew John F. Kennedy, and Barack Obama is no JFK.”
Quite frankly, there are more JFK parallels in my life. So now you’re thinking to yourselves about me: “We knew Jack Kennedy, and you, Sir, are no Jack Kennedy.” Well I’ve got news for you: Jack Kennedy was no Jack Kennedy. In fact, he was more of a Bill Clinton. I mean, if you think messing around with a 21-year-old Monica was bad, how ‘bout a 19-year-old Mimi? You might have read about that in Robert Dallek’s 2003 JFK biography An Unfinished Life, which also revealed that, much like yours truly, JFK liked it a little rough -- especially in the pool, where he had a habit of nearly drowning a girl at the height of the excitement (I guess it runs in the family).
And don’t think the Kennedy-Clinton parallels end there. The Kennedy White House was known as “Camelot”; similarly, the Little Rock hotel where Juanita Broaddrick forced me to give her a swollen lip was called Camelot. The only Camelot parallel in Obama’s life is that Camelot was also a fairy tale. I, on the other hand, tried to style my presidency after JFK’s, I tried to have sex with as many women as he did, so I’m not really sure what went wrong and left him with the more idyllic legacy. Well we know what went wrong: the media -- despite my being more multi-cultural with my fornication than JFK was, yet I get no credit for that either. Just remember what civil rights leader Andrew Young said about me recently -- that I’ve probably slept with more black women than Obama has. Which is why you should vote for my wife.
I also call your attention to the fact that the New York chapter of the National Organization for Women has called Ted Kennedy’s endorsement of Obama over Hillary “the ultimate betrayal” against women, issuing a statement that “Senator Kennedy’s endorsement of Hillary Clinton’s opponent in the Democratic presidential primary campaign has really hit women hard.” Think about what that means. It means that forsaking the first potential female president hits harder than Kennedy’s car hit the water in Chappaquiddick, drowning the female in his vehicle. Herewith, another Kennedy-Clinton parallel: these same savvy ladies understood that my philandering -- whether consensual or not -- paled in comparison to the support I gave women politically.
Many people are under the misconception that they have to choose between electing the first female president and the first black president. But I am here to tell you that in Hillary you’ve got a two-for-one deal. Throw me in and you’ve got a three-fer.
Regardless, let me point out the fact that the family of Bobby Kennedy in fact endorsed me -- I mean, Hillary. They appreciate that when I was president in the 1990s I addressed the priorities of the 1960s, for which we all have a deep nostalgia. Just look at what Kathleen, Robert Jr. and Kerry Kennedy wrote in the Los Angeles Times last week. The piece was chock-full of Kennedy-Clinton parallels, and as their priorities make clear, they in fact believe we are still in the 1960s and therefore recognize that Hillary is the best choice for president. They recalled that she holds the Senate seat once held by their father and, like their father, Hillary’s “political career has been centered in comforting the afflicted [and] afflicting the comfortable.”
There you have it. Not a mention of security, terrorism, foreign policy or any of that garbage Republicans are obsessed with. Notice how these perfect children of the 60s are able to imagine a world in which their father was not assassinated by a Palestinian nationalist.
And that’s what it means to be a Democrat, to be an American. You forgive, you forget -- and most importantly, you hope. You hope that if you ignore your enemies, they’ll go away.
If we were able to recreate the semblance of the 1960s in the 1990s, we could do it again in the 2000’s. And that means we still have a long way to go before we see our first black-looking president in the Oval Office. Or eight years, anyway.
And when that time does come, whoever the candidate may be, he can count on me and Hillary to be in his corner. Unless, of course, Chelsea is 35 by then.
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JWR contributor Julia Gorin is a widely published op-ed writer and comedian who blogs at www.JuliaGorin.com. Comment on by clicking here.
© 2008, Julia Gorin. |
Arnold Ahlert | |||||||||||
