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Jewish World Review 15 Menachem-Av Tu B'Av: Repentance and the foundations of love By Rabbi Yonason Goldson
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
For most people, parents and children alike, the thought of arranged marriages inspires the same kind of enthusiasm we feel as we look forward to tax preparation or gum surgery. We readily empathize with Tzeitel's parody of Yenta in Fiddler on the Roof:
Hodel, oh Hodel,
How did this system get started, anyway?
The answer may be found by investigating one of the most overlooked holidays in the Jewish calendar: the 15th day of the month of Av, known as Tu B'Av.
WHAT IS THIS THING CALLED LOVE?
The Hebrew word for "love," ahavah, is related etymologically to the word lahavah, flame. Both words stem from the root hav — give: just as one flame ignites another without sacrificing any of itself, so too does love grow stronger through the giving that takes place in marriage. This is why the Torah tells us that Isaac "married Rebecca, she became his wife, and he loved her." (Genesis 24:67) Only in the context of marriage does true love have the opportunity to flourish.
Moreover, just as a flame is wide at its base and tapers to a point, similarly can two very different individuals develop a profound emotional bond if they are committed to the same ideals. Compatibility based on a common level of moral and spiritual commitment, common outlooks and attitudes and, above all, good character, can best be appraised by objective third parties, either parents, rabbis, or shaddchanim. After that initial assessment, then personal attraction can be allowed to influence the final decision.
THE CONFIDENCE OF A PURE HEART
And what would they say? Young man! Look and see what you choose for yourself. Do not look at beauty, look at family: Grace is false and beauty is vanity; the woman who fears G-d, she deserves praise. (Proverbs 31:31)
The sages explain that Yom Kippur became the national day of repentance when, on the tenth day of the month of Tishrei, G-d forgave the Jewish people for the sin of the Golden Calf. Tu B'Av acquired a similar status when, on that date in the Hebrew year 2449, the Jews in the desert recognized that G-d had forgiven them for the sin of the spies.
What is the connection between repentance and shidduchim? At first glance, the holiest day of the year seems wholly inappropriate as a time for young men and women to fraternize in pursuit of a match. And why did these young people go out to arrange their own marriages? What of the lessons learned from Abraham and Eliezer, from Isaac and Rebecca?
The Talmud explains that on all other festive days, the Jewish court would dispatch officers to prevent young men and women from social contact that might lead to impropriety. But on Yom Kippur and Tu B'Av, the judges found no cause for concern. On both these days, the atmosphere of repentance and spiritual commitment permeated Jewish society so intensely that impure motives never entered the minds of young men and women seeking marriage. True, attractive women might flaunt their beauty and women from prominent families promote their lineage, but the rest would say, Make your choice for the sake of heaven.
Here again, character and trust defined the process of choosing a spouse. No one who truly believes the sages' teaching that "40 days before conception a heavenly voice proclaims who will marry whom" can doubt that, if his choice is genuinely for the sake of heaven, the Almighty will unite him with his intended. In those generations, young people maintained such absolute focus on the sanctity of Yom Kippur and Tu B'Av that they required no shaddchun other than G-d Himself.
MADE IN HEAVEN
Impressed by their children's selflessness but unsure which course was correct, the parents asked the revered Rabbi Chaim Kanievsky how to proceed. After only a few moments consideration, the rabbi declared, "Let them be married. This shidduch is truly from heaven!"
Asked for an explanation, Rabbi Kanievsky quoted the following Talmudic parable: Two men appeared before a judge, each insisting that a discovered bag of gold belonged to the other. "Do you have any children?" asked the judge. "I have a son," said one man. "I have a daughter," said the other. "Let your children marry and give them the gold as a dowry," ruled the judge.
The rabbi explained that the shidduch suggested by the judge more than just a convenient way to divide the money. Rather, the children of two fathers so passionate in the selfless pursuit of justice would make perfect partners in marriage. Coming from families similarly devoted to moral values, the judge trusted that the shidduchcould not fail.
Similarly, said Rabbi Kanievsky, the shidduch of these two young people was truly made in heaven.
Through our observance of the 15th of Av we remind ourselves of the need for repentance, the power of commitment, and the meaning of true love.
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JWR contributor Rabbi Yonason Goldson teaches at Block Yeshiva High School in St. Louis. Comment by clicking here.
Sin of the Golden Calf: Understanding the how and why and resulting Divine punishment
© 2006, Rabbi Yonason Goldson | ||||||||||
