Q: Is there value in an unhappy marriage?
A: It's clear that the ideal is a harmonious marriage
that fulfills the needs of both partners for emotional
and physical fulfillment in marital and family life.
It's also clear that most marriages will fall somewhat
short of this ideal, and that not every instance where
domestic life falls short of expectations is a good
reason to dissolve a marriage. The real question is,
how much is too much?
In my book " Meaning in Mitzvot", I presented my
understanding of the approach of the Jewish sages, in
the following words:
"While divorce is permitted in Jewish law, and a wide
variety of marital difficulties can be considered
grounds for divorce, divorce is discouraged, and
couples are encouraged to make every possible effort
to work out their differences. . . Our Sages praised
men and women who showed exemplary devotion even to
wives and husbands who mistreated them." (1)
A well-known Torah scholar who saw my book was very
disturbed by this statement. Her feeling was that my
words could be understood as encouraging people to
stay in abusive relationships. I want to clarify that
this was certainly not my intention, and I don't think
that it is in any way implied by my words. I begin by
saying that Jewish law has a lenient approach to
divorce, and that when difficulties do arise couples
are encouraged to work them out, not to suffer through
them. I did mention that there are instances of
individuals who decided that on the whole their
marriage was worth suffering through some mistreatment
(I did not say "abuse"), and that our Sages praised
(not encouraged) this fortitude.
I lack the stature to differ outright with this
renowned individual, but I do want to present my point
of view, and the Jewish sources and personal
observations which I believe support my statement.
The first Talmudic source I refer to in my book, from
tractate Yevamos, is as follows:
Rebbe Chiya's wife used to aggravate him. [Yet]
whenever he would find something she liked, he would
wrap it in his scarf and bring it to her. Rav said to
him, But she aggravates you! He replied, it's enough
that they raise our children and save us from sin. Rav
Yehudah used to cite to his son Rav Yitzchak the
verse: "I find woman more bitter than death." (Eccl.
7:26). He said, Like who? Like your mother. But did we
not learn that Rav Yehudah used to teach his son Rav
Yitzchak "A person finds fulfillment only with his
first wife, as it is written (Prov. 5:18) "May your
source be blessed and rejoice in the wife of your
youth." And he said, like who? Like your mother! She
is quick to anger, but afterwards she is appeased."
(2)
The second source, from tractate Nedarim, describes a
number of women with husbands who were quick to anger,
and tried to humiliate their wives by asking them to
insult prominent Torah scholars. But the scholars
forgave their dignity and consented to be insulted in
order to allow the wife to carry out her husband's
request and preserve his sense of honor.
Neither source encourages a spouse to endure
humiliating treatment, yet it is clear that the
long-suffering husbands and wives in question are
considered praiseworthy by the sages of the Talmud who
retell their stories. The men in the passage in
Yevamos know how to recognize the benefits of their
marriage and the positive traits of their wives, and
the women in the passage in Nedarim apparently felt
that if their husbands were appeased and their dignity
upheld then they would be reconciled.
One example brought by my critic to demonstrate the
benefit of acknowledging when to "let go" is one of
the most famous rabbinical authorities in Europe
before the war. This rabbi's first wife turned out to
be more interested in the salon life of her city than
in the yeshiva world, while the rabbi himself was
known as one of the most zealous opponents of secular
education.
The two divorced and each found a spouse
more compatible with his or her unique interests. I am
not convinced that this anecdote bears on my
statements. There is no evidence that either spouse
"mistreated" the other, nor is there any evidence that
they made any effort to work out their differences.
Perhaps if this rabbi had made a genuine effort to
take some interest in the intellectual life of the
salons, even if only as a gesture to maintain domestic
harmony, and the rebbetzin and her salon companions
would have taken a corresponding perfunctory interest
in the remarkable profundity of her husband's Talmudic
scholarship, they would have advanced not only their
own domestic harmony but that of the entire,
tragically divided Jewish people, and the Jewish world
might look different today.
I will add that this kind of match should in any case
be rather unusual, as Jewish law stipulates that a
groom is required to look at his wife before the
wedding to make sure she is attractive to him, so that
he may fulfill the mitzvah of 'Love your fellow as
yourself'. (4) My understanding is that this refers
not only to physical appearance but rather to all
those individual qualities which create compatibility
and attraction and the ability to love the spouse.
I will add that a well-publicized research study
performed a couple of years ago showed that troubled
couples who divorced were no happier a few years after
the separation than comparable couples who stayed
together. Both groups had some people who were happier
and some who were more miserable, in comparable
proportions. Many troubled marriages are made bearable
with a little investment, and many divorced people are
lonely and miserable despite their relief at being
separated from an incompatible or even thoughtless
spouse.
I'm far from an expert in this field, and I don't mean
to take the place of the many highly qualified
professionals who provide counseling to troubled
couples. But I do feel that my book performs a
valuable service by pointing out that while the Talmud
recognizes that not every marriage should be saved, it
does seem to teach us that showing fortitude and
maintaining a positive attitude in even a troubled
relationship is in some cases the best response to
circumstances, particularly when children are
involved.
SOURCES: (1) Meaning in Mitzvot p. 657. (2) Babylonian
Talmud, Yevamos 63a-b. (3) Babylonian Talmud, Nedarim 65b (There is a misprint in my book and it reads 15b.) (4) Babylonian Talmud, Kiddushin 41a.
THE JEWISH ETHICIST, NOW IN BOOK FORM