Surveys show that the Japanese worry that a rising number of youngsters do not have proper chopstick skills.
To me, that should be all the proof anyone needs that chopsticks should be made illegal worldwide, much like land mines and the music of Richard Harris.
If the Japanese have trouble wielding chopsticks, what hope is there for the rest of us?
My feeling is that if the ancient Japanese had given the problem of transferring food from plate to mouth a little more thought, they would have invented the fork and the world would have been spared the indignity of chopsticks.
You have probably guessed by now that I am not adept in the use of chopsticks. Make me eat with chopsticks, and I would weigh 110 pounds within a week. My laundry bills, however, would be astronomical.
My wife takes great amusement from watching me try to eat with chopsticks.
"Here," she will say. "Hold them like this and then just click them together." When she demonstrates, the clicking chopsticks make a noise like the jaws of an alligator chomping shut. I believe she could pick up a Ford Explorer with her chopsticks and it would never slip from her grasp.
I attempt to pick up a piece of stir-fried chicken with my chopsticks and it goes shooting across the room, smacking a fellow diner in the back of the neck.
"Hey!" the diner will shout. "Whaddya think you're doin'?"
"Sorry," I will apologize. "Bad chopsticks."
I have tried and tried but I have never been able to master chopsticks, which makes me think that when others use them, it is an optical illusion. They are all really using forks, but through some act of hypnosis, they have convinced me that they are actually lifting food to their mouths with a pair of sticks, which of course is physically impossible.
Not to disrespect the ancients, but what idiot would think that sticks would make a good tool with which to eat? I can't see how this is an improvement over just jamming your hand into the bowl and scooping the food into your mouth. At least you wouldn't die of starvation, which is how I would go if I were forced to eat with chopsticks.
Many people — I might even say most people — have no trouble mastering the use of chopsticks. These people, as far as I'm concerned, can go to hell. Why? Because they have perpetuated the use of chopsticks. If everyone, like me, tried to lift a pea to his mouth but instead sent it flying into his dining companion's eye, chopsticks would soon be banned as a public menace or at the very least, a health hazard.
But that has not occurred. Whenever I go into an Asian restaurant, there's that little, infernal, paper-wrapped packet of chopsticks sitting next to my plate. Why don't they just give me a little packet of anthrax? I would probably do less damage.
And there's an elitism issue, too. When the food arrives, everybody else at the table starts adroitly clicking away at their meal.
I have to get the attention of the waitress and say meekly, "Ah, excuse me. Could I get a fork, please?"
Of course, the waitress makes me repeat my request in case anyone in the far reaches of the restaurant missed it the first time.
Then she gives me a look like I had just asked for a bottle of ketchup to pour on my yellowtail sashimi.
"Of course," the waitress responds icily.
A half-hour later, the waitress reappears with a manager.
"Is something the matter, sir?" he asks.
"No," I say. "I'd just like a fork, if you don't mind."
"Is there something wrong with your chopsticks? " he will ask. "Would you like some new ones?"
"No, they're fine," I lie. "I just have a little cramp in my hand tonight and I think I'd prefer eating with a fork."
"As you wish," the manager answers, rolling his eyes.
Another half-hour later, a fork arrives just as my fellow diners are finishing up and starting to check their watches.
It's no fun being chopstick-impaired, I can tell you.
But it is an excellent, if under-publicized, weight-loss plan.
