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April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review Dec. 21, 2007 / 12 Teves 5768

I was going to be a psychic

By Dave Weinbaum


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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | As a "writer", I can officially excuse myself from any chore I find intolerable. So as my wife races my credit card balances to denial levels at the malls, I have good reason for being elsewhere. It's called a "deadline" and it's helped many a writer weasel out of unpleasant chores since Confucius dodged washing the wok and chopsticks after dinner. What better time of the year to look forward to future predictions? Here are mine:


1. ALGORE falls into iceberg crevice while demonstrating man-made global warming. He's frozen solid, only to be discovered 500 years from now during the next warming phase. His remains are eaten by a polar bear.


2. The 2000 and 2004 elections will be voided, allowing Dubya to run and win the 2008 election. Karl Rove is his VP. Cheney retires and lives off his board duties for Halliburton and Big Oil companies. He shoots himself in the foot while hunting.


3. Jimmy Carter confesses to being secret leader of the American Nazi Party. He reveals this in his new book. "Hitler: A Hero Whose Legacy was Destroyed by Those Damn Jews that Survived."


4. Hillary loses election and text messages divorce terms to Bill. Bill is so relieved he retires to Dubai to play golf and work on his hookers.


5. OJ repeats vow to look for Nicole and Goldman's killer in his new location at San Quentin. Too bad, because it ruined President Bush's plans to put the Juice in charge of the United Bin Laden Insurgent National Destroy Unit. (UBLIND)


6. I will make another hole in one next year, but I'll have to hire witnesses.again.


7. Israel will take out Iran's Nuke bomb plant to the public condemnation and secret relief of the entire world.especially the Muslim countries of the Middle East.


8. Disney builds amusement park in Tehran. Ahmadinejad poses as Goofy and takes Mickey and Minnie hostage.


9. Weinstein Brothers buy Osama and Zawahiri films and make a documentary. They win Cannes, Sundance, Academy, and Nobel Prize, for best picture for the advancement of appeasement. It becomes official movie to the Democratic election effort.


10. Congress votes to allow all Liberal teachers the right to be armed in class while conservatives earn the right to be shot.


11. Mike Tyson makes comeback as a Special Olympian.


12. Joe Lieberman repeats as VP candidate, only this time on the Republican ticket.


13. Obama loses. He vows to sleep with as many Black Women as possible so African American icon Ambassador and Mayor Andrew Young will consider him as Black as Bill Clinton.


14. The writers strike is settled, but not before a huge spike in births nine months after the shows stopped.


15. The Pope fires Franco Zeffirelli as his image consultant and hires Don Rickles.


16. Depends hires astronaut Lisa Nowak as a spokeswoman. The adult diaper is going for a new market; young and crazy, jealousy inflicted space jockeys from 18 to 49.


17. Teddy Kennedy's book bombs until it's distributed in liquor stores, bars, strip joints, and diving gear stores throughout America. It becomes required reading for AA.


18. When asked to demonstrate their foreign policy, Both Ron Paul and Dennis Kucinich suffocate after burying their heads in the sand.


19. Hilary, Nancy, Harry, Kerry, Feinstein, and the rest of the flippers on the left will take credit for the surge after disparaging it even before the troops were in place. There are some in America that believe them. They are called "liberals."


And finally: 20. I was going to be a psychic, but there's no future in it.


There you have it, the next year laid out for you.


Men, unless you're a "writer", you'll have to find your own scam to avoid the dredge of being dragged along as an ornament to "Girl's Night Out" or some other hideous soiree.

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

JWR contributor Dave Weinbaum, originally from Chicago, is a businessman, writer and part-time stand-up comic. He resides in a Midwest red state. Comment by clicking here.



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