As a "writer", I can officially excuse myself from any chore I find
intolerable. So as my wife races my credit card balances to denial levels
at the malls, I have good reason for being elsewhere. It's called a
"deadline" and it's helped many a writer weasel out of unpleasant chores
since Confucius dodged washing the wok and chopsticks after dinner. What
better time of the year to look forward to future predictions? Here are
mine:
1. ALGORE falls into iceberg crevice while demonstrating man-made
global warming. He's frozen solid, only to be discovered 500 years from now
during the next warming phase. His remains are eaten by a polar bear.
2. The 2000 and 2004 elections will be voided, allowing Dubya to run
and win the 2008 election. Karl Rove is his VP. Cheney retires and lives
off his board duties for Halliburton and Big Oil companies. He shoots
himself in the foot while hunting.
3. Jimmy Carter confesses to being secret leader of the American Nazi
Party. He reveals this in his new book. "Hitler: A Hero Whose Legacy was
Destroyed by Those Damn Jews that Survived."
4. Hillary loses election and text messages divorce terms to Bill.
Bill is so relieved he retires to Dubai to play golf and work on his
hookers.
5. OJ repeats vow to look for Nicole and Goldman's killer in his new
location at San Quentin. Too bad, because it ruined President Bush's plans
to put the Juice in charge of the United Bin Laden Insurgent National
Destroy Unit. (UBLIND)
6. I will make another hole in one next year, but I'll have to hire
witnesses.again.
7. Israel will take out Iran's Nuke bomb plant to the public
condemnation and secret relief of the entire world.especially the Muslim
countries of the Middle East.
8. Disney builds amusement park in Tehran. Ahmadinejad poses as Goofy
and takes Mickey and Minnie hostage.
9. Weinstein Brothers buy Osama and Zawahiri films and make a
documentary. They win Cannes, Sundance, Academy, and Nobel Prize, for best
picture for the advancement of appeasement. It becomes official movie to the
Democratic election effort.
10. Congress votes to allow all Liberal teachers the right to be armed
in class while conservatives earn the right to be shot.
11. Mike Tyson makes comeback as a Special Olympian.
12. Joe Lieberman repeats as VP candidate, only this time on the
Republican ticket.
13. Obama loses. He vows to sleep with as many Black Women as possible
so African American icon Ambassador and Mayor Andrew Young will consider him
as Black as Bill Clinton.
14. The writers strike is settled, but not before a huge spike in births
nine months after the shows stopped.
15. The Pope fires Franco Zeffirelli as his image consultant and hires
Don Rickles.
16. Depends hires astronaut Lisa Nowak as a spokeswoman. The adult
diaper is going for a new market; young and crazy, jealousy inflicted space
jockeys from 18 to 49.
17. Teddy Kennedy's book bombs until it's distributed in liquor stores,
bars, strip joints, and diving gear stores throughout America. It becomes
required reading for AA.
18. When asked to demonstrate their foreign policy, Both Ron Paul and
Dennis Kucinich suffocate after burying their heads in the sand.
19. Hilary, Nancy, Harry, Kerry, Feinstein, and the rest of the flippers
on the left will take credit for the surge after disparaging it even before
the troops were in place. There are some in America that believe them.
They are called "liberals."
And finally:
20. I was going to be a psychic, but there's no future in it.
There you have it, the next year laid out for you.
Men, unless you're a "writer", you'll have to find your own scam to avoid
the dredge of being dragged along as an ornament to "Girl's Night Out" or
some other hideous soiree.
