Donate to JWR

Home
In this issue

Jonathan Tobin: Defending the Right to a Jewish State

Heather Hale: Compliment your kids without giving them big heads

Megan Shauri: 10 ways you are ruining your own happiness

Carolyn Bigda: 8 Best Dividend Stocks for 2015

Kiplinger's Personal Finance editors: 7 Things You Didn't Know About Paying Off Student Loans

Samantha Olson: The Crucial Mistake 55% Of Parents Are Making At Their Baby's Bedtime

Densie Well, Ph.D., R.D. Open your eyes to yellow vegetables

The Kosher Gourmet by Megan Gordon With its colorful cache of purples and oranges and reds, COLLARD GREEN SLAW is a marvelous mood booster --- not to mention just downright delish
April 18, 2014

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Clarifying one of the greatest philosophical conundrums in theology

Caroline B. Glick: The disappearance of US will

Megan Wallgren: 10 things I've learned from my teenagers

Lizette Borreli: Green Tea Boosts Brain Power, May Help Treat Dementia

John Ericson: Trying hard to be 'positive' but never succeeding? Blame Your Brain

The Kosher Gourmet by Julie Rothman Almondy, flourless torta del re (Italian king's cake), has royal roots, is simple to make, . . . but devour it because it's simply delicious

April 14, 2014

Rabbi Dr Naftali Brawer: Passover frees us from the tyranny of time

Greg Crosby: Passing Over Religion

Eric Schulzke: First degree: How America really recovered from a murder epidemic

Georgia Lee: When love is not enough: Teaching your kids about the realities of adult relationships

Cameron Huddleston: Freebies for Your Lawn and Garden

Gordon Pape: How you can tell if your financial adviser is setting you up for potential ruin

Dana Dovey: Up to 500,000 people die each year from hepatitis C-related liver disease. New Treatment Has Over 90% Success Rate

Justin Caba: Eating Watermelon Can Help Control High Blood Pressure

The Kosher Gourmet by Joshua E. London and Lou Marmon Don't dare pass over these Pesach picks for Manischewitz!

April 11, 2014

Rabbi Hillel Goldberg: Silence is much more than golden

Caroline B. Glick: Forgetting freedom at Passover

Susan Swann: How to value a child for who he is, not just what he does

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Financial Tasks You Should Tackle Right Now

Sandra Block and Lisa Gerstner: How to Profit From Your Passion

Susan Scutti: A Simple Blood Test Might Soon Diagnose Cancer

Chris Weller: Have A Slow Metabolism? Let Science Speed It Up For You

The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington Whitefish Terrine: A French take on gefilte fish

April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review Dec. 19, 2008 / 22 Kislev 5769

Holiday potpourri: Step on the gas, pull up the ladders

By Dave Weinbaum


Printer Friendly Version
Email this article

http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanza, are all upon us. I believe in giving gifts based on need or reward. So forget your holiday blues. When you focus on the needs of others, your own will be fulfilled.


Here's my list for both naughty and nice. Unlike the SEC's Madoff "investigation" I've checked it thrice.


To:


  • That Iraqi reporter who pitched his size tens at our president; a new pair of Nikes, and a realization that if he had flung his sneakers at Saddam he and his family would have been tortured then murdered. They say in the Arab world that you can't put your best foot forward until you've hurled your shoes.

  • Secretary of Defense Secretary, Bob Gates; a lifetime MENSA Membership. After billions in research and decades of strategic planning at the Pentagon, Bob has solved the Somali pirate dilemma. His conclusion? "Step on the gas, pull up the ladders."

  • Joe Biden; a lump of clean coal and a special gift from his newest bestest friend and boss, a muzzle.

  • Governor Rod Blagojevich; A legal defense fund to encourage him to fight against those mean Democrats trying to kick him out without due process and a proper $multi-million cash reward for keeping his yap shut.

  • Bernard Madoff, who ripped off mostly wealthy hypocritical liberals to the tune of $50 billion, but also bankrupted many charities as well; a long vacation in his penthouse on 62nd street overlooking some of the now homeless suckers he ponzied into poverty.

  • A father that stole a loaf of bread to feed his family; incarceration at the rat hole known as Riker Island.

  • Caroline Kennedy; a senate seat as legacy to her name and fundraising gravitas. Who cares if she can legislate? She's a Democrat! What were Amy Carter and Chelsea Clinton busy?

  • New York State Governor David Paterson and Mayor Michael Bloomberg; the Tax Rotor-Rooter Award for the mass colonoscopies they are about to give everyone that lives and visits their needy state.

  • Barack Obama; a copy of Jesse Jackson's speech, "I am SOMEBODY" to read when he feels lost in the mix of all those Clintonistos he's appointed to HIS cabinet.

  • Conservative talk show hosts of whose legions I have joined; a grandfather clause in the upcoming "Fairness Doctrine" and/or a one way ticket to Belize.

  • Citizens of Illinois; a new wing of Cook County Jail, just for your convicted politicians. There gasses and hot air can be recovered in such mass that it'll heat half of Chicago… sans stink.

  • Jews that helped elect Obama; four year synagogue memberships with a four year option. You're going to need whatever mercy G-d can give you and Israel under Obama's "nuclear shield."

  • Nobel Prize Winner and man made global warming scam artist, ALGORE; an original copy of "Frankenstein" by Mary Shelley, written during the Little Ice Age in 1816 as it was too cold to frolic in Lake Geneva. I hear you're a slow reader, but it's okay. The pre-winter is already record breaking cold. So cuddle up with Tipper, put on some rock n' roll, and stoke up your carbon lite fire. See you in May, if the ice has melted.

  • Santa; a new employee, who was quoted as saying, "Santa, have you lost weight? Mrs. Claus is sooooooo pretty. Is that a new Santa suit? I love the smell of your pipe." Rudolph's cousin, Larry the Brown Nose Reindeer.


To all my readers and customers, friends and family; an old Irish blessing to you, straight from the O'Weinbaum Clan Archives: May I love you and May you love me. If you hate me, may G-d turn your heart. If G-d cannot turn your heart, may He turn your left ankle, so that I may forever recognize you by your limp.


Happy Holidays!

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

JWR contributor Dave Weinbaum, originally from Chicago, is a businessman, writer and part-time stand-up comic. He resides in a Midwest red state. Comment by clicking here.



Archives


© 2005, Dave Weinbaum

Columnists

Toons

Lifestyles