Eat raw fish? Are you out of your mind? Do you have a death wish? Have you no respect for your stomach? Go look at that ocean. Does that look clean to you?
Fifteen years ago this would have been my response to an invitation to a Sushi joint.
A lot has changed.
Not only do I like raw smoked salmon on top of a sticky rice roll wrapped by a strip of seaweed, dipped in soy sauce with a nip of nostril clearing, tear inducing wasabi, but so does the rest of my family.
And I haven't gotten sick from it…yet.
Okay, there was that time after partaking in a Manhattan sushi eatery, when it took 24 hours and every calming thought I had to keep that rascally sea urchin roll down.
Other than that, the thought of savoring raw fish has induced hardly any nausea.
Once I couldn't say the word "eel" without feeling squeamish. Now I salivate over the possibility of eating the fresh water variety of that snaky slimy fish in its tantalizing "roll" form with its peculiarly enticing brown sauce.
And those little green steaming soy beans you suck out from pods. With a cup of sake, martini, or green tea for the no karaoke, no fun crowd, they're to die for.
Want Atmosphere? Get one of those little curtained rooms with the foot high table and the floor cut out for your feet.
Or walk straight up to the bar, where you can kibbitz the chefs and keep a watchful eye on them while they cut your fresh octopi and raw squid.
It's like Tokyo Cheers! They greet you like a long lost relative.
It's not that everyone knows your name. You couldn't understand them if they spoke it. It's the bowing and kindness in their utterances. Of course they could be cursing up a storm while maintaining that schtooping posture and smiling face, but I don't think so.
So go ahead and try it. What do you have to lose besides your health and life?
If steak isn't on the menu, you have a legitimate beef
As a service to those that are considering the big leap to raw fish, below are a few pointers to make your experience safe and enjoyable.
• Never buy sushi on EBay.
• Never eat sushi made by a chef who practices Sheryl Crowe's "one square of toilet paper per bathroom visit" solution to saving trees.
• If there are no Orientals in a busy sushi restaurant, run, don't walk to the nearest exit. If you happen to set off an alarm, so be it. Maybe you'll wake up a few others before it's too late.
• Never eat sushi with a Russian, especially one with a glow about him.
And, while one shouldn't judge a book by it's' cover, these sushi restaurant names should put up some red flags.
• The Itchy Crab.
• Lice Landic Cod Rolls.
• Harry's Antique Shop and Sushi Bar.
• The Chum House.
• Mudfish Madness.
After all that, if you're still game for uncooked fish, here's a sure way to ingratiate yourself to sushi restaurant chefs and owners:
Act like you're a stupid tourist, which, if you're like me, will be a cinch. Then politely ask the sushi restaurant personnel to explain how they make a spider roll. After letting them go a few sentences, stop them and tell them they don't know what they're talking about. Then explain that YOU know how.
Taking note of their stunned looks, say this, "I'll tell you how to make a spider roll. Cut of its' legs and blow."
I guarantee they'll laugh.
If not, go eat a steak….
…cooked.
