Retired Don, Bill "Crooked Stick" Clintoni and consigliore to Hillary "Sniper" Clintoni recently sat in their own "rose" garden in Chappaqua.
As Bill puffs away, "You know I didn't smoke cigars much, until I learned more about their uses when I was counseling interns…anyway, I smoke more now. Sniper, do you know how Barack"Garlic Nose" Obarzini, Howie "Fredo" Deano, Bill "Rat" Richardson, and the rest of the dem babbo mustached Petes are going to come after you?" Hillary, "Yes I know. We've gone over this a thousand times! They'll ask for a meeting…where I'll be safe. The goomba that tells me about the meeting is the traitor."
Bill, "Sorry it's an old habit."
"Sniper, I didn't want any of this for you. I thought when it was your time we'd be legit: Used car salesmen, Prostitution ring owners, Mortgage bankers. Every time we get enough "contributions" from the Chinese and Arabs, they keep dragging us back in!" Hillary, "Don't worry Stick. When Chelsea's turn comes we'll get there."
Bill, "Just to be on the safe side, I've arranged for a group of sweet interns to help me find and test floor bedding in apartments all over the country. We've learned of some safe houses from our friends in Beijing and Dubai. You never know when we'll have to go to the mattresses."
Later at the funeral for her candidacy, Hillary, dressed in black, is approached by James "Hot Sauce" Carville. He whispers in her ear, "Obarzini wants a meeting. We'll solve all our problems, plus maybe you can stay in the country. It'll be in my territory…The Bayou.
The fan boat splashes forward, wind blowing through Sniper's hair, making Carville squint so much his head resembles a deflated football. Oprah is at wheel, dodging alligators, chopping up snakes, picking off low flying birds and spitting out feathers. Hillary is alone, windblown, forlorn.
Obarzini, "You go girl!" Oprah glances lovingly back at him.
Finally they wash into their destination, "Crawfish Gumbo Diner and Gas." Howie Deano talks. "We're here to work out our diff… Obarzini and Sniper interrupt Deano and in unison tell him to shut up. As he walks away, Howie mutters, "I'm SMAT, not like they say stupid! So I cut off the voters in Florida and Michigan. They wouldn't listen to me. They had it coming!"
At this point Hillary says, "I need to use the outhouse". Suspicious eyes look up. As Hillary begins to walk Oprah grabs her by the pantsuit and pats her down. "I've searched a thousand feminist punks. She's clean." "Make it quick!" Obarzini commands.
Safely in the outhouse, Hillary finds what she's looking for in the middle of a half used 1952 Sears catalogue.
As she returns, lips move but she's not listening. As the swift boats noise rises, Hillary stands. She pulls a sheaf of papers from her blouse. In them Obarzini is seen kneeling and kissing the ring of the most evil of enemies, Osama? Ahmadinejad? Bush? … No.
He's seen sucking up to the most hated of all, Rush Limbaugh.
Obarzini falls backward in his chair then thrusts forward involuntarily collapsing his table sending crawfish head missiles and hot sauce throughout the overall clad, barefoot, clientele.
Then, the offer Obarzini can't refuse.
Seven months to the day the moving vans approach the multi-columned White House. Crooked Stick saunters in red faced and smiling from ear to ear. There's an ex-Obarzini girl on each arm, and one pulling his tie as they approach the stairs leading up to the bedrooms. Hillary follows as the staff quivers in anticipation of her particular style of "leadership."
As movers struggle to put back the furniture the Clintonis took from their previous occupation, (the stuff they couldn't fence), a man with a grand piano on his back wavers under the weight. "Don't you dare drop that, Mr. Vice President…Capiche, Obarzini?"
"Yes, Madam President."