In this issue

Jonathan Tobin: Defending the Right to a Jewish State

Heather Hale: Compliment your kids without giving them big heads

Megan Shauri: 10 ways you are ruining your own happiness

Carolyn Bigda: 8 Best Dividend Stocks for 2015

Kiplinger's Personal Finance editors: 7 Things You Didn't Know About Paying Off Student Loans

Samantha Olson: The Crucial Mistake 55% Of Parents Are Making At Their Baby's Bedtime

Densie Well, Ph.D., R.D. Open your eyes to yellow vegetables

The Kosher Gourmet by Megan Gordon With its colorful cache of purples and oranges and reds, COLLARD GREEN SLAW is a marvelous mood booster --- not to mention just downright delish
April 18, 2014

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Clarifying one of the greatest philosophical conundrums in theology

Caroline B. Glick: The disappearance of US will

Megan Wallgren: 10 things I've learned from my teenagers

Lizette Borreli: Green Tea Boosts Brain Power, May Help Treat Dementia

John Ericson: Trying hard to be 'positive' but never succeeding? Blame Your Brain

The Kosher Gourmet by Julie Rothman Almondy, flourless torta del re (Italian king's cake), has royal roots, is simple to make, . . . but devour it because it's simply delicious

April 14, 2014

Rabbi Dr Naftali Brawer: Passover frees us from the tyranny of time

Greg Crosby: Passing Over Religion

Eric Schulzke: First degree: How America really recovered from a murder epidemic

Georgia Lee: When love is not enough: Teaching your kids about the realities of adult relationships

Cameron Huddleston: Freebies for Your Lawn and Garden

Gordon Pape: How you can tell if your financial adviser is setting you up for potential ruin

Dana Dovey: Up to 500,000 people die each year from hepatitis C-related liver disease. New Treatment Has Over 90% Success Rate

Justin Caba: Eating Watermelon Can Help Control High Blood Pressure

The Kosher Gourmet by Joshua E. London and Lou Marmon Don't dare pass over these Pesach picks for Manischewitz!

April 11, 2014

Rabbi Hillel Goldberg: Silence is much more than golden

Caroline B. Glick: Forgetting freedom at Passover

Susan Swann: How to value a child for who he is, not just what he does

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Financial Tasks You Should Tackle Right Now

Sandra Block and Lisa Gerstner: How to Profit From Your Passion

Susan Scutti: A Simple Blood Test Might Soon Diagnose Cancer

Chris Weller: Have A Slow Metabolism? Let Science Speed It Up For You

The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington Whitefish Terrine: A French take on gefilte fish

April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review April 4, 2008 / 28 Adar II 5768

Hillary Rodham Clintoni: The godmother

By Dave Weinbaum

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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Retired Don, Bill "Crooked Stick" Clintoni and consigliore to Hillary "Sniper" Clintoni recently sat in their own "rose" garden in Chappaqua.

As Bill puffs away, "You know I didn't smoke cigars much, until I learned more about their uses when I was counseling interns…anyway, I smoke more now. Sniper, do you know how Barack"Garlic Nose" Obarzini, Howie "Fredo" Deano, Bill "Rat" Richardson, and the rest of the dem babbo mustached Petes are going to come after you?" Hillary, "Yes I know. We've gone over this a thousand times! They'll ask for a meeting…where I'll be safe. The goomba that tells me about the meeting is the traitor."

Bill, "Sorry it's an old habit."

"Sniper, I didn't want any of this for you. I thought when it was your time we'd be legit: Used car salesmen, Prostitution ring owners, Mortgage bankers. Every time we get enough "contributions" from the Chinese and Arabs, they keep dragging us back in!" Hillary, "Don't worry Stick. When Chelsea's turn comes we'll get there."

Bill, "Just to be on the safe side, I've arranged for a group of sweet interns to help me find and test floor bedding in apartments all over the country. We've learned of some safe houses from our friends in Beijing and Dubai. You never know when we'll have to go to the mattresses."

Later at the funeral for her candidacy, Hillary, dressed in black, is approached by James "Hot Sauce" Carville. He whispers in her ear, "Obarzini wants a meeting. We'll solve all our problems, plus maybe you can stay in the country. It'll be in my territory…The Bayou.

The fan boat splashes forward, wind blowing through Sniper's hair, making Carville squint so much his head resembles a deflated football. Oprah is at wheel, dodging alligators, chopping up snakes, picking off low flying birds and spitting out feathers. Hillary is alone, windblown, forlorn.

Obarzini, "You go girl!" Oprah glances lovingly back at him.

Finally they wash into their destination, "Crawfish Gumbo Diner and Gas." Howie Deano talks. "We're here to work out our diff… Obarzini and Sniper interrupt Deano and in unison tell him to shut up. As he walks away, Howie mutters, "I'm SMAT, not like they say stupid! So I cut off the voters in Florida and Michigan. They wouldn't listen to me. They had it coming!"

At this point Hillary says, "I need to use the outhouse". Suspicious eyes look up. As Hillary begins to walk Oprah grabs her by the pantsuit and pats her down. "I've searched a thousand feminist punks. She's clean." "Make it quick!" Obarzini commands.

Safely in the outhouse, Hillary finds what she's looking for in the middle of a half used 1952 Sears catalogue.

As she returns, lips move but she's not listening. As the swift boats noise rises, Hillary stands. She pulls a sheaf of papers from her blouse. In them Obarzini is seen kneeling and kissing the ring of the most evil of enemies, Osama? Ahmadinejad? Bush? … No.

He's seen sucking up to the most hated of all, Rush Limbaugh.

Obarzini falls backward in his chair then thrusts forward involuntarily collapsing his table sending crawfish head missiles and hot sauce throughout the overall clad, barefoot, clientele.

Then, the offer Obarzini can't refuse.


Seven months to the day the moving vans approach the multi-columned White House. Crooked Stick saunters in red faced and smiling from ear to ear. There's an ex-Obarzini girl on each arm, and one pulling his tie as they approach the stairs leading up to the bedrooms. Hillary follows as the staff quivers in anticipation of her particular style of "leadership."

As movers struggle to put back the furniture the Clintonis took from their previous occupation, (the stuff they couldn't fence), a man with a grand piano on his back wavers under the weight. "Don't you dare drop that, Mr. Vice President…Capiche, Obarzini?"

"Yes, Madam President."

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JWR contributor Dave Weinbaum, originally from Chicago, is a businessman, writer and part-time stand-up comic. He resides in a Midwest red state. Comment by clicking here.


© 2005, Dave Weinbaum