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Jewish World Review
March 28, 2007
/ 9 Nissan, 5767
Presidential pinatas
By
Dave Weinbaum
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Sometimes it pays to investigate the motivation of those that would sacrifice a normal life to become the most powerful person in the universe…the president of the United States of America. Is the third grade assumption correct? Are those that run selfless sacrificers?
From my experience, it's deeper and in some a bit sinister.
Below are some givens for the prez wannabes.
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Millions of dollars need to be raised from supporters that want things in return.
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Every closet you ever opened or closed will be forensically examined.
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Every relative, friend, ex-lover, business partner, teacher, ex-spouse, and anyone with an ax to grind against you will be given front page coverage.
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You and yours will be lied about by your opponents and the press.
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If you are "lucky" enough to be elected, the character assassinations will increase, not abate.
In other words, from the moment you announce, a target is lasered to your buttocks. Your enemies and the press will collaborate in performing crude proctology on you….with steel pointed boots.
My psychiatrist said, "For the tenth time, Weinbaum, you're not paranoid!" I said, "So, you're one of them!"
All the above had me curious. So, I consulted with my psychiatrist, Dr. Barry Strange MD., PHD. I like Dr. Strange because he's the only shrink I know that serves complimentary nuts.
I asked if he could diagnose some presidents and candidates to work up a psychological profile on the motivations of those that run.
Below are Dr. Stranges' analyses.
1. Paranoids-Bill and Hillary fit into this category. They really believe in that "Right Wing Conspiracy" thing. Their paranoia serves them well by energizing their base, all conspiracy theorists, themselves. Richard Nixon rates high with his enemy list and strange praying incident with his Secretary of State, Dr. Kissinger. A good paranoid loves company.
2. Masochists-Once again, Bubba makes the bill. He invited the Republicans from around America to attack him by provoking them with sex in strange oval places and lying to a Grand Jury about it. President Clinton proved he couldn't govern unless he rallied all his enemies against him. The piñata position was his most comfy. Too bad he was so preoccupied; he let Osama off the hook 13 times. Guess Monica carried the big stick in that relationship.
3. Napoleon Complex-Joe Biden must dream of himself as a great leader. His mouth could form an entire piñata in and of itself. Then there's John "Reporting for Duty" Kerry, a one man wrecking crew…to his own party.
4. Oedipus Complex-They just can't let go of "Mommy" (the presidency). Freud would have a psychological orgy with this one. These ex-presidents banter, blast, interrupt, and complicate the natural succession of power that comes with term limits and elections. They just can't seem to let "Mommy" go. Carter and Clinton are in constant need of the presidential tit. I suggest a surrogate where these Mama boys can suck up some boss milk. I know Bubba would go for this. One observation: This seems to be an exclusive disease of past Democrat commanders in chiefs.
5. Superiority Complex-Yeah, they'll pander to us and tell us anything they think will get them elected regardless of what they said yesterday or how they'll govern. Why? Because in their minds they are the elite intellect of the universe. The world needs them…according to…them. Hillary, Gore, Bill, McCain, and Kerry come to mind. Of Bill's slickness one could hate the weed, but admire its' tenacity. Gore was a complete disaster, going to the extremes of different postures, sounds, and even more rouge than Katherine Harris in one debate, supposedly to look like Reagan. I knew Ronald Reagan. Reagan was a friend of mine. Al, you're no Ronald Reagan.
The healthiest mentally seems to be maintained in people that understand that government service shouldn't be looked at as a lifetime job. Those that do other things before and after office seem healthiest. Ford and Reagan both lived well into their 90's without the constant carping at their successors. George Bush Sr. is well on his way unless he forgets to open his chute. Bush Jr. will have no problem going back to his ranch ala Reagan. Harry Truman retired to Kansas with his beloved Bess.
Sadly, these are the exceptions.
Why would anyone want to be in an office where he'll be attacked viciously by just about half the world at least for 4 years?
The good Doc concluded with a nice ditty for those that must be president.
"Bend me shake me any way you want me, as long as you vote for me, it's all right…"
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JWR contributor Dave Weinbaum, originally from Chicago, is a businessman, writer and part-time stand-up comic. He resides in a Midwest red state. Comment by clicking here.
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